Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Allegiance Blog!

I am personally really excited about this. Our new blog is up!! Click here to go there!

The Allegiance is the name for my church's youth group. It has been some time since we really updated the blog because we just stopped writing stuff on it. It's exciting because I fully expect more people to be involved in the blog because it now has a shorter URL, and we intend to give the youth the username and password for them to access it and to blog on. =)

It is still in its raw stages right now, I've only done up the basic layout for the site. Hopefully as days grow on, we would have more to put on it!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

new found poverty.

JEDIT Outing - The National Museum!

Have you been to the National Museum lately? I just went there on Tan Long's recommendation who was in turn goaded by 安娣 to go. I always thought it would be nice to visit the Museum after so long, contrary to Tan Long's belief that everyone would be turned off once they hear the word "museum", and I'm glad I went!

Turns out our Museum has become pretty high tech. We were lucky too that there was some a Greek Lourve exhibit there. Wahh.. It's the first time I've actually seen Greek sculptures, I think. Imagine somewhile that is a few thousand years old just in front of you. Just makes me feel dwarfed.

The main purpose of our visit was actually to see the History of Singapore exhibit which Tan Long is so enthralled about. He promised that it would be something to entertain us for the whole day for just $5. So I thought, "okae, let's see what's so great about this".

It appears that our dear Museum is quite the technologically advanced gallery. When we first entered the exhibit, we were handed headphones and a Companion. As we approached the bridge that was to begin our journey, we were prompted to press 1 on the Companion. What follows is a step by step visual and aural experience to bring us through each of the showcase.

I was personally quite amazed by the gigantic video right at the start. I was thinking how the hell they managed to edit it so that it plays on so many screens both simultaneously and independently?! It must have been tough.

What followed that was a comprehensive collection that brought us through the different stages of the History of Singapore. After spending the whole morning there (until 2pm), we only managed to get up to the Japanese Invasion of Singapore. The exhibit is just too immense!

I would really recommend you to go take a look at it. The National Museum is just located between YMCA and SMU. The nearest MRT is Dhoby Ghaut MRT. Take the exit of Atrium @ Orchard and walk there.

It would be quite interesting if you explored other parts of the Museum too. They are currently having quite a few interesting exhibits. Just go to their website to take a look eh? I found their intro video quite interesting too. Hahas.

PS: I realised that this is one of our rare solely JEDIT outing!! JEDIT stands, of course, for Jun Yuan, Enqing, Dezhi, Ivan and Tan Long. Wow. Hahas. Bet you guys didn't realise! In case you are curious, we are grouped together because we all have no significant others unlike Chow who has 8 or more girlfriends already, and Rich who has a mysterious relationship with a mysterious someone!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Merry Ma

I came across this photograph while finding some Christmas pictures to send to Jamie. Unfortunately all my photos are too big, and Gmail doesn't allow me to send it over. Sorry girl!

Anyways, I saw this photo and thought, "Cannot! I too yan dao here le. Must put in blog!" Hahas. Joking lah. But here it is =)

For those who do not know (many, I expect), this is my beloved Ma! You can call her Auntie or Mdm Kwan. We took this photograph in Orchard while shopping around for her handbag, I think. Quite nice arh.. Looks like we have the Aurora Borealis on toppa us.

This year's Christmas wasn't fruitful in terms of gifts. I only got prezzies from Cheeks, David & Zi Jun, and Pam. Hm. I guess it's because I didn't give anything out ba? But really didn't feel much of the holiday spirit this year. Am I really getting old like Uncle Simon says? I hope it's just because of work! =/

60th.

You know, that banner for my blog was taken in a 60th BB Company Dinner many many years back. When I was in Sec 4 or J1, I think. Back then, we were the organisers for the Dinner. Now the time has come for the annual dinner again! Yet it feels as if everything is falling to pieces.

After my batch left, it seems like the juniors justs did not continue as enthusiastically as my batch in coming back as a Primer to serve 60th. Now that another generation has passed, it seems like there are only 1 or 2 Primers left. Haix....

I remember the NYJC principal's pet phrase, "Remember the source of the water you drink". Do kids nowadays have no such mentality or values? Is Singapore becoming so cut-throat that all we can ever think of is what benefits ourselves?

I believe things will pick up since Cheeks is trying to help out a little. I wish I could, but I don't dare to commit. I'm bad at commitment.. hardly keep any promises. Hahas.. So I'd better not promise anything. But hey. I will definitely go back when I can. Hopefully everything is not too late.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Love is partial to me that day

Of the whole 魔女宥熙, I like this song the best. Love is partial to me that day. Don't ask me why the title is like that. It just came with the 大韓劇2007 CD. Hahas..

I catch myself holding my breath a lot lately. I seem to be waiting for something to happen. Something dramatic you know... Like in the shows that we like to watch. Sadly life is not made of the same stuff as movies.

It's really kind of strange, because I always come home feeling like there's something I haven't done or something missing. Maybe it's God's way of telling me something. Hmm. Or maybe I've been floating too much. Gotta root myself to the ground man.. I am an officer now. Everything has to be rational and businesslike.

Let's hope this feeling passes eh?

Merry Christmas Baby!!

I feel bad about having a crush on a girl with a boyfriend. Somehow I keep getting reminders of that. Tsk tsk. The funny thing is that I probably am just trying to retain that feeling? I don't really know... Anyways, the important thing is that I have decided to stop once and for all. Like stop thinking about all these stuff. So Huimin and MK, stop asking me weird questions. Hahas.

So! How did I spend my Christmas Eve?

I started the day by sending Genial off to *undisclosed country*. Wah. Another friend going to a foreign country for a year. I really envy them lorh. It's really good pay. Plus the fact that they get to live in another country and experience another culture. That's something money can't buy.

Since I was at Changi Airport, I decided to go take a look at T3. It's huge!! But I was quite disappointed that everything was still being renovated and there was nothing for me to shop in. Hmm.. They didn't have anything open. Sad.

I later met up with Huimin since I haven't seen her for quite a while. Decided to go watch a movie you know.. We eventually watched I Am Legend in the evening. It's totally not worth the money lorh.. I give it only 1 out of 5 stars. The ending really killed the whole show. Plus the fact that the storyline is alot like Resident Evil. I came out of the cinema feeling quite pissed that they ended the movie that way. Haix. Should have watched something else!

Anyways, Huimin said something that I found strange. She asked me why I tell everyone I have a crush on that I have a crush on them. Hmm.. I used to always think that if you like someone, you should tell her ba. That's the only way things were going to move forward. I'm not very sure now though.. Not very sure if I like anyone at all. Hahas.. Can't tell anymore.

After leaving Huimin and Swee Wei (met him because we went to see Wei Jun carol), I went carolling myself at Quality Hotel. Aiyah. I regret not telling more people about the Carolling thing. I felt quite alone while walking back to the MRT from there. I guess it's those times when I really feel like I should get a partner ba. Hahas.

So that's that lorh.. I wish I could post some photos.. But Yen Chin doesn't know how to load photos up to his computer from his phone. Wah.. If only I had a camera phone now, we wouldn't have that problem! 910i!!!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

thought troubles.

I've been feeling rather beaten lately. The word "gay" really gets to me somehow, perhaps because I am very aware that my voice is kinda weird. So I've been really defensive about related topics ba... Like when Wen Tian mentioned that my friends are effeminate, I got quite uneasy. These things get to me because these are things I cannot change. I cannot change my voice to be "ungay", I cannot act more "alpha male" by littering my sentences with more smelly vaginas because I just don't do that. I guess I can only take solace in the knowledge that I am in fact, not gay.

Other than this, the two days at work got me quite worried too. Worried because I don't know if I would be up to the mammoth task. Do I acutally have the core competencies required to be a QM? There seems to be so much to do! And my upperstudy does them so well. How can I ever hope to replace him and build the relationships he took 2 years to form in 10 months? To their eyes I am just an NSF who is a passing figure in their lives. How do I even begin?

So there you have it. The two things that are cracking my head now.. =(

Friday, December 21, 2007

take leave zoh boh adventures.

This is all pretty exciting. I went to get the Wizz RSS add-on for my Firefox again because I figured that paying $25 USD for NewsFire sucks. Plus the fact that I only have Mac OSX 10.3.9. Argh.. I want to get my new MacBook Pro!!

Anyways, its great cos I don't have to go to individual sites anymore. Hahas. Feels good. But I really don't like the graphic interface. It's so plain lorh.. At least NewsFire was nice looking. Haix. I guess we can't get the best of both worlds can we?

I've also been hooked on D.Gray-Man after watching it on Central last night. I think Tan Long said it was nice before.. or was it Claymore he mentioned? Hmm. Whatever the case, it's really quite interesting. Go take a look!

And I also saw this YouTube vid Mr Brown recommended. Wah. Looks like Singapore singers are not so ao like others think eh?

Okae.. I think I should get back to D.Gray-Man... Ciao!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I feel like I can't blog anymore because there are things that I want to say that I cannot say here in this blog. Why? Because I don't want certain people to know certain things ba. I guess it's true that there can only be specialist blogs and not "diary" blogs.

After years and years of blogging, I finally understand this. That I cannot trust anyone with everything. That at the end of the day, it's still me against the world (who sang that arh?) I can hear my idealistic brain falling to pieces. OUCH!~ Dreams are made of fluffy clouds.

Whoa. Emo. Stop stop stop!

Now kids, learn from me. If you like someone, just tell her. Then you won't face such problems. And you would be able to say whatever you want to say. Better than feeling like shit because you think you are not liked back. Then wallowing because you'd never know. Then thinking more about it and being emo about it until you find that you are probably not even wallowing about that anymore, but just wallowing. That you just liked the idea of liking someone.

Whoa. Cheem. But so common right? Hard to figure all these out. Most of the time everything is just blurry. Who can really analyse and say for sure what he feels?

Maybe that's why they invented the word emo. So that we don't have to know the reason anymore. Just emo eh.. Hahas

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

that shift.

Isn't this just the cutest photography you have ever seen? I was browsing through Facebook and this really put a smile to my face. Look at the 招财猫 pose which Tan Long has! And the 黑玫瑰 expression on Rich's face. Lol!

Life as a 2nd Lieutenant is not easy though.. I can feel the stress after the first day of work. There's a lot to do. Yet I don't feel like I am up to it yet. I guess it will come... but man! I miss being a cadet. Hahas. Zhiminnnnnn!! 怎么办!

Being an officer is a very solo job... I think I would dislike that the most. I don't like to be alone. But then again, it's something I have to get used to. Haix.

Listening to 魔女宥熙 soundtrack and feeling really emo. Blehzzz

Monday, December 17, 2007

Days unwritten about are days lost. So I have lost my 42.195km Marathon. I have lost the last remaining days in OCS, and I have lost my Commissioning Parade.

Now I am commissioned! A newly commissioned 2nd Lieutenant of the SAF. Wow.

I am quite sick too. I hate it when I have the flu. All the stupid fluids flowing ceaselessly down my nose. Crap. And the fact that I cannot smell a thing. And that I cannot breathe properly. Erks.

Today just wasn't really a good day for me... Too emo le. I have to get out of this mode! Think happy thoughts. Man, I don't know. I just hope tomorrow would be a good day. And that I would stop thinking about whatever I am thinking about. It's none of my business anymore.. I shouldn't be thinking about anything. Just leave it be.........

Wish I could.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Back to SAFTI

The first night back. Everyone seems reasonably happy... I have a total of $28.37 left in my bank account after paying the $175 for Comms Ball. I just decided not to burden Ma with the monetary requests anymore. Besides, it's time I faced the consequences of overspending. I have to stop spending man! $400 in a weekend is just too much. Maybe I should stop thinking rich and get more down to earth. God help me! Anyways, here's a list of things I want to buy...
  • Vespa!!! but I guess a Honda Phantom will do fine for now ($3000)
  • Canon IXUS 75 (???)
  • MacBook Pro ($3000++)
  • Adizero Shoes for the 42.195 km... ($300)
  • Clothes!!
Bloody avaricious bitch. Hahas.

Anyways, I went to collect the race pack for Stan Chart today. I thought the singley looked okae larh. Granted, it doesn't look as "Oomphy" as the last year's but I thought the colour was okae. I still can't believe that I'd be running 42km next week! Ahh....

Regarding Jame, I still haven't got any reply for my e-mail or SMSes. Just shows how difficult it is to keep a simple friendship going over a long distance. When you don't see some for a prolonged period of time, he slowly ceases to be part of your reality. Besides, I think I never did make a deep impression with her. Okae, this is probably my insecure side talking,

On my way here to SAFTI, I prayed to God on the taxi. I prayed for Him to take hold of my life once again, even as I struggled with my spending problems, with being emo, with always looking for someone to confide in without finding anyone and without having any problems. I don't know why I'm built like this, but I know God knows and He has something for planned for me. So I'd let Him work and show me!

By the way, I still haven't found a date for Comms Ball. Really don't know who I should ask. Pr perhaps I have an answer within me which I just need to find. Hmm...

I guess I'd better sleep first. More to come tomorrow!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

adium and a cornea scratched.

OMG OMG OMG. I just downloaded this really cute application called Adium which I saw on Sherman's computer. It's like an IM client for Mac users which fits just about every IM service. And it's really cute!! I have Darth Vader as my Dock pic. Seeee...
Cute right? Too bad for Windows users! =P By the way, I'm still waiting for my new Mac.. Haix. When do you think Ma will buy me a MacBook Pro? Wishing and waiting...

Anyways, Commissioning is in 26 days, 4 hours, 34 minutes and 26 seconds. I can't wait man! All the time I've spent in the NS builds up to the 15th of December; the apex of my NS life. I can't wait to commission and then become a QM, and a good one at that.

In prep for that day, we have been doing quite a lot of drill to make sure everything is as smooth as possible when we return to SAFTI. Not fun arh.. Drill is literally backbreaking. Looks like I should have focused more on my back when I gymmed in the past.

All this drill would be alright if I didn't go and get my eye scratched. I was just playing Mahjong happily at Gordon's house when I realised I couldn't take out my right contact lens when I wanted to. After a whole night of trying, I decided I had to sleep with it then try again the next morning. As it plays out, I still couldn't =(

So I went to see the über expensive eye clinic at Yishun Central to get it fixed. Argh. That's 70 bucks flown away. Anyways, it turns out that my contact lens is too small for my eye (huh?!). So it sticks to the eye ball instead of floating on it like other people. And because I tried so hard to take it out, my cornea got scratched. Wonderful eh...

So now I have a red eye. And it tears a lot. And it's quite painful. Haix... Just hope that it heals really fast.. I missed youth and church because of it eh. Feel like I'm missing a lot =/ Plus the fact that I couldn't really join the Comms Ball team to see the photographer or the kayakers for kayaking. Feel so nuah!

I just hope that next week would be a fairly clean week and that it would be over in a blink of a red eye. Come next weekend!! Come quickly! I wanna see how Jiraiya beats Pain. =D

Thursday, November 08, 2007

My brain is thinking in Chinese. Now how did that happpen?! I'm supposed to be lousy in Chinese and A1 in English! It must be too much of Taiwan and Jay Chou... Speaking of which, I still haven't bought his new album! I'm still considering... does Rainbow, and the Longest Movie and Dandelions justify my buying such a happy album? It's so not my taste. Hmm..

Anyways, Commissioning is coming really really soon. It seems like every week we are just waiting for time to pass and to finish doing all the things so that we can just go to OCS and get commissioned. Is this what some meant when they said that most people are just focused on commissioning and forget being officers? I hope I am not such a person. I intend to be an excellent and outstanding QM, for your information!

On the home front, Mum and Sis are still in Taiwan shopping their hearts out, leaving only the three guys at home. I guess if I were still in Primary School this wouldn't be such a bad idea, but now we just avoid each other as much as possible. So my Dad's either watching cable or in his room, my brother is in our room, and I'm in my Mum's room playing Hellgate which I just bought. Oh, did I mention that the game rocks?! Buy it. Seriously. Good RPG, excellent graphics. The leveling is really slow though... Other than that, the items are totally upgradeable which makes it cool, and the skills (I was using an Evoker) were reasonably powerful. BUY BUY! Then we can play together online!

You know, I saw this particular blog while doing guard duty last Sunday, and I suddenly thought to myself, "this is such a sincere blog!" I used to be like that, I guess. I used to really know what I was thinking, and I would just write it out. But somehow that gift seems to have been taken away from me. Now all I ever say are things that I've said. All I ever write are childish longings for things that probably will never ever come to pass. What happened to my mental facility? What happened to my VIEWS? Should I not be more political, or more thought-invoking? Why this numbing whining about everything in the world? See, even that sentence whines. Eww. I am disgusted by myself.

Well. My new philosophy of life is to take things as they come, and to take one day at a time. What's the use worrying about so many things, and thinking so much, and yearning and hoping so much when nothing is really in your control? I am to let God take the reins of my life. I never really understood that even though I kept praying it. I guess it really means to not worry about my life and what will come, but just to trust that God has a better plan for me than I can ever imagine. Hmm. It'd take more faith for me to really fully trust, but I know God will be there for me.

Be positive!!!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

I live in a world where no one else exists
Where no one else knows of
That place with sounds of piano keys,
Music floating;
Flooding the recesses of my heart with emotion.
Imaginary love
Glimpses of sweet bliss
Fading as reality takes hold...
If only I could stay sleeping,
never waking from this dream
That is just a dream
My tagboard is dead!
To revive it, go tag a message on the left. You'd probably have to scroll quite a bit. -shrugs-

I've been in a GP mood of late. Been trying to look for some paper to write down my thoughts about things. I actually have thoughts again now! Seems like army is not totally brain cells killing. Yep.. so that's what's been happening lately. I've been having thoughts.

Thoughts like how everything has two sides, and its easy to get on one side and forget the other, things like how 1337A is good where it is now, and should stay. Things like that. Strange eh? The wonders of an OJT and an abundance of newspaper!

Anyways, this week has been pretty fun. I'm enjoying the exercise, and I'm enjoying being back at SOL. Sure, there are some sucky parts to that equation, but hey, being PROACTIVE helps. I feel more energised somehow... Commissioning soon!

Well, nothing much is up really.. I'm reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. Do you remember Oprah blasting someone for faking stuff up in his book? That's this book. But it doesn't stop it from being a good read. Wah.. really.. very readable, and quite impactful. I personally hate the way he repeats sentences though.. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I am still waiting for Jay Chou's new album to come out! I'm listening to it right now, actually.. It's rock... which is so un Jay Chou! Then there's the cowboy song. Hmm.. saving grace is The Longest Movie and I Don't Deserve, which sounds quite Chou enough. Hahas. Come out quick! I am so gonna grab it on Wednesday when I get out of camp!!!!! Wah. The Pu Gong Ying De Yue Ding also very nice. Haix.

His concert is coming next year! But I fear I wouldn't be able to watch it. Pamela wants to go too eh.. but there are so little seats left! Start another day leh!

By the way, I saw really nice Fossil bags today. And another very nice bagpack in Queensway. Anyone wants to give me an early Christmas gift? Hohohoho

Sunday, October 28, 2007

streamlining.

Seems like it's been a long time since I last blogged! Feels like it, at least...

Well.. a lot has changed actually... For one, I finally sorted out in my brain certain things, and certain ways of thinking. Right now, I must say I'm a little bored, and really don't know what to do with my life, now that I have no object of obsession. It's hard lah. You don't just stop these things.

Anyways, my nose is still unsmelling. I told ma that I'm okae already though... don't want her to worry about me. Guess I'd have to find some way to deal with it. There's just a lil fear at the back of my mind that I would just die of an aneurysm some day like what happened to Ms Tan..... choi!

Anyways, listen to this::

柠檬草的味道
歌手:蔡依林

他们猜我们后来 有没有再见
离席了 才会晓得怀念
突然我记起你的脸 那触动依然像昨天
对自己 我终於也证实某一点
是不是 回忆就是淡淡柠檬草
心酸里 又有芳香的味道
曾以为你是全世界 但那天已经好遥远
绕一圈 我才发现我有更远地平线

我们都没错 只是不适合 
我要的 我现在才懂得
快乐是我的 不是你给的
寂寞要自己负责

毕竟用尽了力气 也未必如愿
总是要 过去以后才了解
突然我记起你的脸 爱不爱不过一念之间
绕一圈 今天的我能和昨天面对面

我们都没错 只是不适合
亲爱的 我当时不懂得
选择是我的 不是你给的
明天自己负责

给昨天的我 一个拥抱 
曾经她不知如何是好
若我们再见 我会微笑
谢谢你 谢谢你 
我尝过爱的好

我们都没错 只是不适合 
我要的 我现在才懂得
快乐是 我的不是你给的 
寂寞要自己负责
我要的 我现在才懂得 
选择是我的 不是你给的
幸福要自己负责
错过的请你把握

Friday, October 19, 2007

A short short one before I go do my night things!

It's mum's birthday tomorrow! It so happens to be the day I have been asked to lead worship for youth group too.. You know, somewhere inside I know I am supposed to be scared and worried to death about the prospect of this, but I don't feel anything.. {=_= } It's like sitting on a rollercoaster expecting to be scared only to feel nothing. Bleah...

Anyway, tomorrow would be a super busy day for me. It's mum's birthday, meaning we have to shop for a handbag/handphone/both for her. Ahh! Hole in my pants. It burnses! '

It's also go-kallang-and-kayak-with-krt! day. Hahas.. I'm so looking forward, even though I am sick and I totally should not be exerting and staying out in the sun for so long. Aiyah.. nevermind lah hor? You only live once... but that means you die once too. hmm.

Then there's youth group, then there's dinner at Jumbo. Argh. I WANT TO DIET TO CUT THE FREAKIN' TYRE FROM MY FREAKIN' BELLY!

Alright. Hope I survive tomorrow.

Diid I mention that 2LT Yong Chiang treated us to food today? Quite nice lah. At least he's trying to be nice. Hohoho... whether it works... I also don't know.

Till next time! Vanakum!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

虽然我看起来若无其事,但我真的开始有点怕了。没有心跳加速的感觉,也不会打冷颤··· 只有一种莫名的忧虑。

我已经有五个星期没闻到东西了。今天在红星吃的点心似乎一点味道也没有。在台湾的鸡扒、臭豆腐,都闻不出端倪。

右眼也有7个礼拜了吧?在凌晨起来的时候眼睛痛得开不了,眼泪不止。昨天的视线还有点模糊···

是我自己吓自己吗?

除此之外老豆和婆婆都进了医院... 本来还以为回国之后能开始为42KM的马拉松训练。现在好像好难喔··· 天也不作美,整天都在下雨。咳!

希望一切会有好的结果吧。我真的需要去看看医生··· 但没有钱!更没有时间。好stressed喔!神,让一切平复下来吧!拜托了!

I AM BACK!

Hello hello! I'm back.

It seems like I've missed Singapore more that it has missed me. Who am I kidding? Who would miss me eh? You know, sometimes such small little things really matter to me. So thank you, Gracia, for missing me. And it's okae that I'm not missed at all - that I wasn't even beeping in that radar. I should just move on from liking a person who has no clue at all that I do.

Anyways, STAGEBEND was fun. Like super duper fun. If I were in a better mood, I'd tell you all about Shilin, Wu Fen Pu, Xi Men Ding, Dong Guan and all the amazing theme parks we went to... but maybe not now. I feel like I need to sleep. Tomorrow okae? Don't worry, I'll spill the beans. Hahas.

Alright. Goodnight.

Friday, September 21, 2007

All these feel strange and untrue...

Perhaps it's only fitting that I leave a word before I leave tonight for betel nut girls and typhoons.

You know, Life's too short. A few years ago, I was kissing my grandma on the cheek before I went home. I was only what? ten? Now, she lies on the hospital bed once again, wanting to go home with convoluted thoughts only God can make sense of. I had a sudden urge to take a photograph of her there and then; her eyes reflecting such curiosity and such helplessness. It was inappropriate, I figured. Who on earth takes photographs in hospital wards? Am I even allowed to? And you know how old people are with cameras...

I've been sick myself for a long time - ever since chicken pox. There's a concoction of viruses in me, causing sinus, headaches, a nose block, green phlegm, and the wheezing cough that should be familiar to my bunk mates now. I've never been this sick this long before. It feels terrible. Like you have no control over how your body works.

This trip came at a wrong time, I think. Not that there would ever be a right time. Everyday something cataclysmic is happening, and there's an excuse every day. But it somehow feels wrong. It's a weird time for me, I don't know exactly why... I guess I woke up to realise how cold the day was, and I needed to sip some hot tea before I moved on to mow the lawn.

It's interesting to note that I no longer miss EPITOME. Okae, that's not fully true; I still see shadows in passers-by. But not strongly anymore. It's like this world has suddenly become tissue. Easy come, easy go. "There's nothing I have that's truly mine," as Dido put it. Perhaps this is my winter. How does Spring return?

You know, this trip might just do me some good. A vacation away from thinking; a vacation away from reality, to where people with big heads make variety shows. A vacation! Just what I need =)

Saturday, September 15, 2007

我爱你 你爱我吗?

天啊!我刚看完了《不能说的秘密》
真是个不错的电影=)
突然间也好想弹起自己的钢琴来了。。。
罗曼蒂克主义的我,心里也暖缫缫的。

原本是想要批评新加坡警队办事效率低的。
今天还是算了吧!
哈哈!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Slow Love

I feel like dying! Not really "no-breathing, lay limp" dying, but you know, the metaphoric kind. I shan't talk about how unlucky I've been. It's just going to make things worse. Just know that it hasn't been a good week. I need some comforting! Hahas...

Maybe to give you a brief concept of how unlucky, I shall put just say lost camp pass, grandma hospitalised. Hey, somehow it doesn't seem so bad summarised in 5 words!

Anyways, I just came back from TTSH. Did I ever mention how I hate going to TTSH? Or maybe just hospitals in general. I don't know what to do there. Hospitals are meant for doctors, for patients, for nurses. They have stuff to do there. I don't. I only have to face the reality that my grandma is just waiting for living days to pass (don't worry, it's not actually serious, just that people die. Eventually...), and that she can't really remember me. Perhaps I'm not lovable even by my grandma's standards. =/

There's been a mad crazy insane rush for our trip to STAGE BEND in Circwood. Many of the cadets are starting to wonder if this trip is really beneficial to us, what with so much disruption to the training programme and all the last minute prep making everyone short tempered and wonky. -shrugs- I don't know if I'm really in the mental state to cope with leaving the country in a week's time for 3 weeks... but I guess what comes comes.

I need to get away somewhere lah. But there's nowhere to get away to. I need to back off from bouncy's nonsense and all the rush here and there, and handle my mental preoccupations, and come back refreshed. Arghhh... Someone offer to sit at the beach with me a whole day? Hahas.. I guess I'll just go swim or run.

Next week will be better. It'd better be!

broken.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

想你,想你...好想你 


I heard this song playing just as I was walking home from the MRT station and immediately thought of Liansheng. I wonder how he's doing at JAC... Hey Lian!! Hope you are doing welll!!!

I'm missing Jamie too... As fate would have it, I would be in Taiwan when she comes back to Singapore in October. Haizzz... I miss talking to her actually. Hmm..

Tomorrow Chow and Conrad would be leaving for Australia too for air grading. Everyone is leaving! Enqing is also still at Australia on some big boat. What's with Australia and taking away all my friends?!

This past week was pretty frustrating. I've been struggling to keep my anger/frustration in check. I seem to be acting without thinking nowadays. Then there's the relapse of my "there's no one to talk to me" mentality - which is probably true to some extent. Things are happening so fast, and nothing is happening at the same time. Time in NS is like time spent doing nothing that really impacts your real life. It's quite unreal. Yes, I learn, but I probably wouldn't ever use what I learn in a real world context in its entirety. -shrugs-

There has been angst because I feel as if I missed out a lot in the 2 weeks of my pox. Now I feel like.. I don't really know what I feel. Lost, perhaps. Apprehensive, unsettled, ill at ease, angry. I don't want to feel like this!!!!

DIGRESS!

I went to watch Ratatouille with Cheeks today! We were really heng cos there was this couple who didn't want to watch anymore and sold the tickets to us when it was already all sold out. Then when we went for dinner at Crystal Jade, the number before us was not there so we got to cut queue! Woot! Thank God!

Rat was a fantastic movie. There was quite a lot of preaching about life, but it wasn't excessive. The graphics were great, and the simple storyline beautiful. 5 stars! I loved especially the scene when the food critic Anton zoomed back to his childhood. Damn funny can! Hahas.. Go watch it if you haven't you ass!

I wanted to watch Secret initially.. but it seems like it's finally gone off the box. Argh. And 881! I guess I have to learn to watch movies myself. Again. I've got to understand that people's path are straight lines that sometimes intersect and then move on... how painful. But aiyah. I'll get over it like everything else.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

birthday? celebration?

I just finished watching The Exorcist II. Turns out it wasn't horrible. As in, it's supposed to be a horror movie, but it wasn't horrible. And the ending was... huh?

The day was quite busy.. Started with the supposed outing to celebrate Rich's birthday, which everyone was expectedly late. I ended up having to leave after seeing Rich for ten minutes and gorging the Mushroom Ham down my throat. What you see is my attempt to document our outing (although I think I can hardly call it that). Someone I think Rich has gone somewhere where I can't reach anymore. As we all grow, we become different people. And I guess we'd have to drift apart sooner or later. No use hiding it behind empty smiles...

Anyways, I was rushing because of a Civil Resource Mobilisation Exercise which I had to go look at. It turned out to be nothing much, even though I can now say that I know what a CR Mobex is. Hmm. And I did get to eat free food. Hahas..

And then it was a mad rush to Raffles City to take a look at the Casuarina Suites. It was nice enough, and we were desperate to make the deal, so.. we still haven't. Minor details left, and we would be totally done! Yayness =)

Ahh. Then I was supposed to go to Yen Chin's bdae celebrations too, but turns out he was at Tekong -_-" So I spent the most of the night with Cheeks wandering around Cathay and PS and tau hway at Selegie. Hahas. It was quite a nice catch-up session larh...

Anyways, I haven't been sleeping early lately.. to build combat fitness. Hahas.. Too little time.. Haix. Maybe I should sleep now. Talk later!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

瞬间老化。

Life goes into overdrive; everything passes by so fast that everything looks still; a uniform blur.

I have grown so much the yesterday and today. In the blink of an eye.

The day started with the outing with Tan Long, Chow and Teckie as planned. We went to Tiong Bahru to have our breakfast at the famous porridge place which I don't remember the name of. The porridge was so-so... Hardly worth the distance we walked I think. But that was the first time in 10 years since I last ate pork porridge, so I guess it was a milestone =)

Words cannot express how glad I was to meet them again. It was a warmth from deep in my heart. It has been so long! I ended up discussing with Teckie about the themes running through Fight Club of the dangers of going to extremes and Nihilism. Which somehow led to Tolkien and themes of sub-creation, class discrimination and incest (Children of Hurin). Wah. I haven't used my brain in a long time. Hahas. Not in a discursive way, anyway.

We later went to Suntec City and then CitiLink and Raffles City, getting more and more tired every step of the way. No one slept well, I guess. Except Teckie that is. He was superrr energetic.

Anyway, we came across Starbucks while in Suntec, and they were only left with bucks and fee. See how capitalistic it is? "We want bucks and pay us fee!"
The shopping got really tiring because my feet were hurting, and I didn't sleep until 2+ a.m. the night before worrying about the tests I would have to do when I step back into Circwood. (I am still very worried, by the way!) But I guess I can't compare myself to Chow lah. He didn't sleep at all, but wasted his whole night in MOS. Literally.

We later had a nice little lunch/snack (according to Tan Long) at TCC in CitiLink as we (I) realised how tired we were of each other. Mainly 1 v.s. 3.

I guess when friends have been friends for a long time, we just take it for granted that someone will be the same way they are always. We think we know their "chao kuan" and so we start being evil to our friends because well, we are friends! But maybe we don't really know the circumstances ba? Why have we become so intolerant of each other?

Enough time wears down even the strongest foundations. You know, Jesus said "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." I think it's the same as friendships. The more I want to hold on to them, the more I will lose them. Yet I wasn't made to not care, and leave things be. I feel like I have to "water the plant" to have it grow. So what's the right way?

I went with Gracia, Conrad, Jun Kai at TPY after the outing. We had steamboat! Yeap.. all went to Gracia's place to makan. So in the end Wei Lun, Chai Kee, Yi Shin and Mark also came. That's virtually the whole team lorh! And I had a lot of fun. =)

I know I don't usually mention them, but KRT is super close to my heart. They're the only people I can say that I've been through failure and success, joy and sadness with together. And then there are the times when we rowed out for training and I would be whining about ahem and all. Hahas.. Those were the days. Wish I could relive them again!!

I might have neglected them abit eh? But seriously, Wei Lun is the best partner I can ever have, and Conrad and Gracia are about the weirdest and cutest couple I've ever seen. Hahas.. Just look at them!

By the way, if you were wondering, Conrad's laughing at Yishin because he's trying to hold in his shit. LOL!

Conrad, Gracia and I took a ride on Yishin's car to taunt the whole night after steamboat. And we went to eat at Tangshui at Thomson. Wah. Shiok. The long talk during steamboat was great too. I haven't talked so much for such a long time!! And university sounds reallyyyy fun from what Gracia is saying. I want to go leh!!

Anyway, having a car really rocks. We went all around lah. St James, Mt Faber, Dick Lee's house, Thomson... almost went to Changi. Hahas.. Superfun. I feel really tempted to go learn driving leh.. But aiyah. No money to buy car. =/

We have got to do this again soon... Training next week!

Maybe it's not how much time you spend together, but how you spend it that counts ba..

I feel so old. Like I finally realise the ideals that I had ever naivety on my part. And now the plate has hit the ground and shattered, and nothing can put it back together again.

Maybe I should take a step back and stop trying to hold the hand I never had.

Shit! Emo thought! Hahas.. That's actually good. Wah. This has been therapeutic. I feel much better now. =) Good luck to me for field camp!!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Just Do It

I wanted to blog about this, then I didn't want to. Then I thought I had to, because this is important. So, I'm just doing it.

Isn't it an amazing coincidence that I managed to find this advertisement online with a cross? How totally apt. Well, yes, I'm gonna be talking God.

You see, I bought this book, Chasing Daylight by Erwin Raphael McManus today. It's a book about seizing the moment, a book about "a call to live a life of blazing urgency". And this book really really spoke to me.

I've mentioned before that for the longest time, I had this complex that told me that others were better than me, and that I probably wouldn't be able to do much myself. I probably wouldn't be able to be a good keyboardist, for example. Well, that was the reason why I was drawn to this book. Because in the synopsis wrote, "We all have dreams... Why, then, do some of us realise our dreams and advance forward while others watch timidly from a distance and hope for a break?". Then I realised what it really was. Timidity.

What is stopping me from doing what I wanted to do? Something at the back of my head saying that maybe God doesn't want me to do this. Then the book read, "When we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions" (Psalms 37:4). And I was like, "wow. I have to buy this book." Later I learnt that even if this isn't what God wanted me to do, I'd be just making a mistake, which is okay. Because God would still have a plan for me, and nothing I can do will derail that, as long as I am in Him.

So far, there has been a revelation and spiritual release to me that I should Just Do It. Do whatever that I think is the right thing to do - that is after consideration. Because God puts thoughts and ideas in our heads for a reason. If it has come to you, perhaps it is because God wants you to act it out.

And so I did. I asked Tan Long and Chow if they would like to start a cell together because I felt it would benefit all of us, and I asked them to pray about it so that it wouldn't just be impulse on my part. I'm still waiting to hear the good news!

What is the Spirit saying to you today? Are you even aware of it? We need to realise when the Holy Spirit is speaking, and act upon it.

When you do a double-take in your mind next time, think. What is the best thing to do? From right and right, what is righter? And choose to do what you thought about. Act. Because you only live once. And God wants you to live life to the full (John 10:10) with the choices you have.

Friday, August 24, 2007

young wisdom.

There are some things that as a parent, you should never say.

When he comes home from a day out, don't ask "didn't they say anything about your face?" - implying, "wah.. your face so fu**ed up still go out arh?"

When he just recovered from chicken pox or when he has chicken pox, don't say "don't walk around, don't cough, go wear your shirt leh. What if the pox explodes and spreads to people?" - implying, "eh, don't spread to me hor!"

It's not that there should be barriers in a family. But you should know that what you say has effect. The bible says that "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose." in Proverbs 18:21.

Haix. What can I say?

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying.

Jerry Maguire was a good movie. "You complete me." That's really sweet! Hahas. Too bad I probaby would have no chance of saying the same thing to some girl =/

What really surprised me was Fight Club, actually. I downloaded this movie a long time ago, and watch the front part of it and then somehow deleted it. Today I got to see the whole film. Oh man oh man oh man!

The movie describes the rebellion of the blue-collar worker against the unthinking citizen who just expects everything to work out without ever thinking of the reason as to why. Why should we have good furniture? Do we really need phones that can do everything? It is story of going against society's grain, and really taking a step back to think of what we are evolving into as a whole. More frightening is the sheer power of brainwashing and the power of the little people you thought were insignificant such as waiters and bus drivers and policemen. The little people who work so that your life runs smoothly.

I really liked the twist as well. I never saw it coming. 4.5 stars! If you haven't watched it, you'd better go grab it man. No wonder it's a classic. Like. Wow! -thinks of Tan Long impersonating Debra Wilson impersonating Oprah-

Anyway, sadly for me, it didn't rain. So I didn't manage to get my swimming trip. Pretty much spent my day watching movies and eating egg sandwiches which I toasted in my pan. I found it pretty amusing that I was toasting on a pan. So cool! Hahas. Don't mind me. I love the occasional egg sandwich. It's just so tasty! And the egg has to be scrambled egg, not hard-boiled then diced. Those suck!

Recently, I've found myself becoming more inclined towards Business news and the Iraq war. Am I finally growing up? Hahas. The credit crisis is quite a frightening thing. Especially when all you hear is analysts saying that our economy is sound and will not go into a recession. Kinda makes you think if they're just preventing panic selling doesn't it? But then again, I think the worst is over, with Bernanke raising the fed rate, it seems like everything is slowly bouncing back. STI is up 49.41 points today! That's good news for us! I think the other markets are in the green too. So more hooray!

Okae, I must be crazy. Was I reporting financial news?

Yesterday saw Bush addressing veterans about staying the course in the 2nd Gulf War. (What's new?) I agree that they cannot pull out lah.. Not very responsible. But it's really American lives vs Iraqi lives isn't it? Sectarian violence is the shit. To be brutally honest, I think Iraq is becoming boring for everyone after 4 years. War was exciting when everyone believed in it, and when things were moving.. But it seems like Bush is in a quagmire and a really stale stagnant one. One word: sian. LPPL.

Sorry.. I just have this inexplicable desire to type alot suddenly. Product of ultimate boredom, no doubt.

Change of topic. Want to know a secret about me? I really wanted to be a musician. Not necessarily a commercial money earning one, but just someone who can play his piano, sing his songs and be very contented with being able to do that. Unfortunately, I'm also a person with a hidden and selective esteem issue. I'm so convinced that I won't be able to play well that I don't. See the vicious cycle? I think that I sing badly too becausee people say I sing badly. How loseristic is that? Where is that streak of (pardon the language) "fuck off, I lead my own life!!"?

And so we all live on without really thinking how we are leading this life. We blunder on, doing things we have to do. Serve NS, study, work in Fuji Xerox, sit at home blogging and rotting. What would I say when I read this next year, 5 years later, ten years on? Would I still be like this? I hope not.

Yet there's something beautiful in each moment. I was just commenting that I realised how much I loved JC life. Only now. How crappily stupid is that? Too late. But hey, that's the beauty of it all. Like I once wrote, "Memories are not things that we can lock in pictures. They stay in our heads and eat at us." But hey, without knowing the our past, how can we face our future with conviction?

Okae, I should get back to my Qiu Lian Ban Mian.

Remember the booby zi cah auntie at S11?

Road Trip!

Guess what I just did? I stepped out of the house! Wah... that's wonderffullll news after so long of staying indoors. I am serious when I say that the grass looks greener. Man.

And guess what I bought? JERRY MAGUIRE! and FIGHT CLUB! Hohoho.. Given, I didn't go to HMV as I said I wanted to, but hey, I still got the movie! In fact, I'm watching it right now. Muahahahahahas.

Hmm. I'm feeling like exercising. But I still haven't went swimming yet. The sky looks really gloomy. Whyyy..

I hope it rains and then the sky would clear =)

Twitter and Tones.


is so cool.

Yes, I am slow..

So anyway, I've added it on my blog so I can just send in random thoughts anywhere anytime! Mr Brown is so smart. Hahas.

Oh, and I downloaded (PAID!) for a stupid ringtone for my phone only to realise that I have a 3G contract, and that does not include GPRS, hence rendering the ringtone useless for my non-3G but GPRS phone. Ha.

And I am still not sleeping yet.

Bleah.

Oh, this is the 201st post! Happy 201, blog!

You Had Me At Hello.

I am so going to run down to HMV to buy Jerry Maguire! I am in need of some feel good movie in my life. Hahas.

Haix. I am so love-crazed.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Rising from the Ashes.

I decided to put a chow-like entry title on a whim. Hahas.

But as the title suggests, I am fully, miraculously, and wonderfully healed! Thanks be to God =)

I can't wait to get out of the house! These few days have been really boring. Like Primetime Morning, the Sims 2, stir-fried fish and vegetables boring. I have decided to sneak out to infect the peoples of Yishun Swimming Pool early tomorrow morning. Muahahahahas.. That's if I wake up in time...

Don't know why, but I seem to be feeling really cheery today. Hmm. Maybe because Feanor and Marisa gave birth to a baby girl? Or because Feanor became Mayor? Eh.. I found that I couldn't get the reward for getting to the top of Politics career for Feanor leh. Is there some cap? Like because I've already had two machines, so I cannot get the podium? =/ Anyways, can't wait for Lorien to grow up. Hahas.

Hmm. I hoped to chat with some people online today, but it seems like no one's around! Guess I'd go back to playing the Sims..

Can't wait for Saturday to come =)

Monday, August 20, 2007

简单的一天

由于因为一整天都在看着韩剧,所以不由自主地也变得一点 emo。

剧里有这一句令我非常地深刻:

到底爱情是怎么而来的呢?
是在看不见对方就不停地想着
那就是爱情吗?

爱情是怎么而来的呢?
是看见了对方就有说不出的开心
是在对方存在时时间失去意义
那就是爱情吗?

爱情是怎么而来的呢?
是失去了后回首心里不断阵痛
那就是爱情吗?

爱情是怎么而来的呢?


我自己也搞不懂耶。曾经认为是用心去爱一个人,但事实似乎比较复杂。

我也想幸福!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Church.

This is the first time in a long time that I have not gone to church. Let's not count the times when I had guard duty, of course..

When I was in KKMC, I loved the people and I loved the ambience. I was passionate about God because He was new to me, like a strange cute thing I suddenly had. But I can't say I knew God. I wrote lots of notes during sermon, yes, but I wasn't really listening to Rev Chiang or Rev Kang. It was a sweet time, when I was young and I had new friends. Fellowship, but in retrospect, perhaps not so much with the presence of God.

Then I came to CCC. I must say I didn't like the people as much here at first. They were too friendly. In an uncomfortable way. But they loved God, they had passion for God. And I caught it along the way. Even though I used to skip church in KKMC, due to any number of reasons including my dad's objections, I began to go to church every Sunday in CCC. It's a strange thing - the encumbrances just disappeared.

As I grew there, I saw that CCC people are warm and kind, even though there are the disapproving looks that I sometimes feel. Where else would I rather be?

I wonder if Dr Khoo would be talking about his friend which he miraculously unhated today, or maybe about LJT, or about suddenly having an insatiable hunger for God's Word. Hahas. And what songs of worship would they be singing? And I wonder what they are having for refreshments!

Hmm. Too bad I have chicken pox.
Yes. I'm really bored.

Got this from Raymond's defunct blog..



It's a Personality DNA thingie.. go try it! Won't say it's very accurate.. but it might be for you.

Anyway, here's my result.

My True Friend.

I was feeling bored, so I went blog-surfing. And I found this right here. It's really cute, something like an online trac telling you about God. With really good music I would say..

If I am not misinformed due to assumption, (remember, assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups!) it's made by Galvin.

Yeap. Go take a look, whether you are Christian or not.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Chicken Pox Chronicles

Oh my. I was just about to yell right at this little space here because someone told someone's boyfriend that yours truly has a chicken pox on his nipple. And because I've been holed up in my room for the past six days feeling like living hell over these little red what-nots that do not itch but just make people look fugly. But you know what? I'm not gonna!

Instead, I'm gonna say that I realised how funny my blog was in the past! I was soo bitchy. Hahas.. I was just flipping through the archives trying to find my long lost poem: Venti Mocha Frap to put on my deviantART account. Some of the designs were really outrageous! I think I only put them up because I knew no one read my blog. A purple background with 3 self-portraits?! What was I thinking?

As I read on, I thought to myself, "how did I get so lost?" That was me. This is not me. Or maybe it's both me. I seem more happy then. Was I? Seems like the past always looks more rosy eh?

Anything is better than chicken pox I guess! Hahas..

I seem to have lost my drive lately. Lost my friends too. Sometimes God does the one thing you dread the most because He knows that you will learn from that. That's why I never hold on to many more friends than the main clique. But thank God for them.

You know, I was really upset that Tan Long decided not to visit because everyone else pang seh-ed. It wasn't a good enough reason. He promised, and there used to be an age long past when promises were kept. It's no fun staying at home watching yourself rot. Don't let my 'hahas' fool you. I am still disappointed. Oh well.

I think this is God's way of telling me not to be fatalistic and cynical, but still keep my sharp edge. So no, you are not going to see me being Mr Nice anymore. I'd just say what I want to say - again. =)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I HAVE GOT THE POX.

Not the Small kind, but the pheasant variety.

A terrible time to fall sick, really.. I expected myself to be stronger. Shame on you, Mr Suan! Now it's almost a done deal that I would have to give AHM a miss. F___.

My brother has just fled to my grandma's place. I'm so feeling the love man. My mother is over-obsessing over the fact that I should not bathe so that I don't burst anything. She actually expects me to eat porridge and not bathe for 7 days!! What?! To her credit, at least she's not moving away.

Just in case someone wonders how I feel, I am feeling really lovely with my face ridden with red dots. Thank you Channel 8 for the wonderful programme 爱上小红点 made just to provide the right amount of irony in my life. Ha. Appreciate it!

Argh. I could use a movie. But I can't! Because I will infect everyone, won't I? Pox is such a mega bitch. Argh!!!!!!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

No disrespect to Mr Douglas Adams. I'm afraid this post has nothing to do with hitchhikers, nor tea-time. Well. It's just about the shadow I feel weighing in on my soul. Alliteration! Not.

It's about time I picked myself up from my fucked-up frame of mind that I've been in since the start of July.

I know I probably look normal on the outside - I really am normally. But it's those glimpses, flashes, when I start to think convoluted thoughts in my mind when everything gets headachey and well - convoluted. Yes, you see a vicious cycle there.

The thing is I've been operating in "off-balance" mode these past month(s). I used to be able to rant and to say off my mind because there was actually someone there to listen to me. But right now, Circwood is not a very good place to be emo. I never knew the importance of a simple DotA/talk cock session until now. I miss the clique! Where are you guys? Is this the end?

This post was supposed to target a specific Foolish Thought when it formed in my head. But I guess it has evolved a little eh? The important thing is, I want to say here that I will, from now on, cease to think this Foolish Thought and focus on what is here and now, in Singapore. Like Circwood. Like my friends. Like getting my keyboard skills right. Like photography. Like GOD.

God spoke so much to me today. He said "you can do anything you set your mind to". He also said to put "holiness before happiness". Perhaps the time really is not right yet. Nothing I do will change what God has set in place for me. I just want to follow God now and see where He leads me to. Like really, without reserve. Because I know there's a better place for me.

That means not judging certain people in Circwood, like Mr Notibut, and really going back to obeying authority, and doing the best I can in everything.

Pray for me?

----------------
Now playing: Hillsong - There Is Nothing Like
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Oh has it been a hectic few weeks! I haven't seen my friends for so long.. I miss them like crazy.

Where's Tan Long, Rich, Jun Yuan, Ivan, Enqing, Teckie, Chow? I so need to go out with them!!

I guess Pro term is really so jam-packed with activities that it's hard to make time for many things. The fact that we are recce-ing almost every Saturday for the ideal ballroom doesn't help matters. And then there's my commitment to church. That has to stay..

Where did all my free time go to?

I miss so many people right now.. HAIX. I wanna go back to JC!! *whine*whine*

Life in Circwood is getting better. Thanks to God, I no longer feel the strife. I just leave it all up to Him. But things to learn are increasing, and time to learn is decreasing. Now is the right time to scream for Elysium man! Hahas.

Anyway, it's that time of the year again whererby there are consecutive birthdays. Soo... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PAMELA!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SHUYING!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER!!
Many happy returns to all of you, and may all your birthday wishes come true. God bless!

I'm feeling really tired from the 12km I ran this morning.. so I think I will just go to sleep. Hope I get to see you guys really soon!

Especially.. nevermind.
----------------
Now playing: 周杰倫 - 晴天
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Mannequin Reality

I have become so adept at hiding my feelings that it scares me a little.

When did I begin to do this? I used to be brave and even proud to have feelings unlike the typical dude. It was what drove me to be wild and out of the box and loud-mouthed.

So much has changed since years back when I used to trumpet the ideals of true love and bliss like it would be the best ice-cream that you've ever had.

The world has changed since then, and I too have changed since then.

Divorces are now common unlike only a few years back. Hurts are more real. Things seem more unsalvageable than ever, a quagmire one can never escape from. Differences. Considerations. Impossibilities.

I dare not be that brave anymore. Dreams are meant to stay as dreams, a fantasy never to be fulfilled. Hasn't experience shown enough? My mentality is slowly morphing to become like someone's whom once disagreed with. Why bloody your heart when you can protect it with a layer of stone?

Yet does this emptiness hurt more? The ability to be a hypocrite is both a blessing and a bane. I used to hate hypocrites, yet now I cannot deny that I am one myself. What would you have me do? To show would reap nothing but an answer I have a concept about. A dread which I don't want yet to grasp. I'd rather not know, even if I know I know.

Life goes on, with blood dripping still from stone. As if it could have had any difference what heart was made of! I know the way out; the band-aid which I can apply on the cut, yet I desist. Sick self mutilating crazy person.

I'm just feeling emo. Snap out of it.

What Is Real / Just A Dream

There isn't enough time! Homework from Circwood is threatening to swallow me up. Urgh.

This past week had been fun. We had an Exercise from which I took this photograph. Beautiful isn't it? =) It was cool to have a chauffeur for a day. Stressful yes, but fun nonetheless.

To not talk about what I cannot talk about, I shall digress.

Well, I went for Youth Group today and got a word from God. He convicted me of what I was feeling towards Charles. Basically I hate his guts. He's too much like my father - conceited and self-righteous. Despite how I felt, I should not have attempted to gossip about him. I shouldn't even 'hate' him, I guess. He really was just acting like how he normally is. I shall try to moderate my feelings, Lord willing. I sense however that this is linked to something more deeply rooted in my life though, and that might take more to overcome...

Anyway! We had a second round of recce today, where the Rocky Hill Mess'ers went to Raffles Hotel to take a proper look at the East India Room and the Ballroom. I really like Raffles, but the date offered and the price seemed a little off. We went also to Equinox. The Private Dining Room was ill-maintained but I cannot deny the fact that the view was out of this world. Wish I had photographs, but Zhimin has all of them. Hahas. If I were to espouse in the future, Equinox would be where I would bring Mrs Wen =)

The recce was short, and we had our lunch at Suntec. Well, nothing much from then on until Youth Group, which of course, has been covered.

One thing I want to work on this next week would be effective communication with other people, and really respecting and obeying authorities in my life both in Circwood and in other situations. Yeap.. That shall be my goal for the week!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Rocky Hill Mess'ers on Comms Ball Recce!

Rocky Hill Mess'ers went out on a recce for Circwood's Commissioning Ball yesterday!

It was a pain in the arse, I tell you. You would think that since hotels are open 24/7, their Catering and Sales would be available too, but no!! We paid painfully for our mistake of not making appointments beforehand.

"You'd have to make an appointment with our Catering & Sales," is what most of the receptionists can say. ARGH!

And so we got little work done. We did manage to see the place, and we did manage to get some quotations, but nothing fully customised to our situation and what we want.

So anyways, this is the chronological story...

We first made our happy way to Raffles Marina in the morning after we have met at Boon Lay Station. We turned out to be too early because non of the sales people were there, and there was no one to show us around.

Having nothing to do, we decided to check out the outside.
Beautiful! All these photos, I might add, is taken non other by Zhimin!!

Wah. He really has quite an eye for things. I'm not showing all the photographs because there ain't space. I'm only showing photos with me in them! Muahahahas!!

Anyway, we loved the scene with the yachts parked outside, and the view was breath-taking. We all thought "this is it!" Soon enough, our little Circwood bodies couldn't take the immense heat of non-air-conditioned weather, so we had to adjourn inside to find more things to do while we waited for the people to arrive.

We found this small bowling alley in the club and went bowling!
Now, that's The Silmarillion I'm holdin in that 2nd photograph. I'm proud to say that I have finished it for the second time! Ahh, and you can see Zhimin telling you to kill pop stars, and Wen Tian in the first photograph. That's BJ at the back, and Jeremy in front in the second photograph.. Jeremy is not a much of a bowler. Neither am I, actually.. I ended the game with a sucky 49 points. WTF!

Raffles Marina turned out to be a disappointment in the end because the ballroom didn't fit what we had in mind. The location was quite an issue too, because it was far away from any place in Singapore. OUT!

Next, we went to check out Equinox. Unfortunately, we did not make an appointment, so they turned us down right at the entrance. What great service =) Jeremy is still keen on that place though. I think otherwise.

Then we went to Fullerton!
The receptionist was kind enough to show us the Ballroom and the Straits room after we explained our predicament, and gave us several catalogues and told us that we could contain Sales if we needed more customisation. Excellent service. No wonder it's a six star hotel man!

I personally liked the location and the place, but was quite against holding Comms Ball there because I had prom there! Its perks are really enticing though..

From their catalogue, there was something about complimentary limousine service. I suspect it is only for weddings though.. who would want to ferry 44 couples for free? That's a lot of petrol okae!

But Fullerton is definitely one of the top choices =)

We went then to Raffles Hotel...

I loved the architecture of the place, and the fact that it is reminiscent of the Circwood building. This way we would have some sort of a link between Comms Ball and our course you see.

Unfortunately we didn't manage to get much information from the receptionist. Hmm. We did take the opportunity to plan quite a bit of our general programme though..

Believe me, Comms Ball will be a blast! Now who wants to be my date? Hahas

Anyways, Raffles Hotel is BIG. The ballroom was cosy and grand with chandeliers and all. Very colonial, I say. It's my top choice. =P Pricing is quite steep though.. We'd have to work on that won't we!

Raffles more or less ended our recce, the time being late then, and we all had places to go and people to meet.

I went on to buy my camera with Chee Wee, Julian and Wen Tian! Chee Wee intends to buy the very same camera because he figured that it's a very zai and professional camera. =)

Did I say that I bought my camera?! HOHOHO! Yeah baby~ The Panasonic DMC-FZ8 is mine! My precious!!

Here's the FZ8..
Chio right? I've been playing with it all day. OMG. The quality is super good. The weight is surprisingly light too.. It also has a function to tell you the exposure at the shutter speed and aperture you set so you don't get underexposed or overexposed photographs.

I love the fact that I can manual focus now. Hahas. Sheesh. I'm hysterical!

You are going to see a lot more photographs on the blog man.

Alrighty! I should get back to my work. Til next week! Take care!

P.S.: To those who think they are falling sick, or fell sick, must take care of your health! Youth is not immortality leh! A lot of people getting sick lately. Don't let me worry okae? =)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Tales from Circwood

It has been a few days here at Circwood. I’m starting to get used to the place and the people, the instructors and their fluid moods. We all get used to things after time I guess.

Just one week back, I had one of the worst weeks in my recent life. Feeling Godless, feeling lonely without anyone to talk to, and facing the cruelest things I could say to myself in my head. Never once did I tell anyone this, because I knew neither comforting words nor condemning words could do me any good. All I had to do was to work my way back to grace with the help of God. I had to get myself out of that frame of mind and out of the negative thinking.

I don’t really know how I managed to get out of it, really. I can only guess it was meeting the kayaking people, actually going to church after what seemed like so long, and chatting with Jamie over MSN.

You know that cryptic and poorly written entry posted last week? I guess what I really wanted to figure out was why I managed to feel so much better after the convo with Jamie, and I thought to myself “I feel happy when talking to Jamie because I tell myself I’d feel happy when I talk to Jamie”. Isn’t that cool how our mind works like that? Then again, I wouldn’t really know how my mind really really works. I’d have to ask God on that!

So anyway, the first day here at Circwood was spent on learning about the organizational structure of their healing and provenance branches. Day 2 was on the journey and restoration divisions of the Legion. Word has it that we would learn about the last and final pillar of The Organisation Where Everything Comes From, strength. It appears to me that they do not value Strength much. Hmm..

Generally the lectures were difficult to follow. Despite trying my best to follow what the lecturers were saying, I either ended up asleep or lost. The exception would have to be Journey. It was so straightforward that I even managed to understand a little bit more of the other branches better because their structures were similar in small ways.

The lecture by WO Bala was to me, the most interesting of all. FORMS! Learning how to account for things in the Legion. So I learnt about a lot of TWELVEs and about the Gs. Really quite interesting how there’s a form for every single thing ever. I learnt also about the Enterprise System. Not much yet, but enough for me to be quite amazed. I’m waiting for more!

Another thing that was introduced was Problem Based Learning by Captain Sima. What happens is that we are given case studies to dissect and to analyse, and then to ask questions from those case studies, and then find out the answers to the questions ourselves. In that way, I think we would have greater information retention, and the things we learn would have greater applicability in our future vocations.

As I said before, the food here has been superb, and the place is starting to grow on me, and I keep catching myself wanting to take photographs. Just today I saw the nicest lighting by the lamp above the roof to take a shot. Too bad I don’t have my Lumix DMC-FZ8 yet!! That shall change soon though! Hehehs..

Just today I got caught by 2LT Yong Chiang eating Jack ‘n’ Jill’s in the canteen. After which he asked why I was eating chips when tomorrow is IPPT. Argh. 2LT Wensheng asked me the same thing then. At first I wasn’t really bothered, because I am quite sure that the Gold is within my reach (think about the $200!!) Right now though, I’m starting to feel a little worried.. I’m terribly insecure about my own capabilities, I’m afraid. We shall see tomorrow, I guess! I’d get a bag of chips from 2LT Yong Chiang if I do get gold! Hoho!

Right now, I feel the serenity of an ocean. Now that my CPS term is over, it seems like I can afford to breathe again. It has been a good learning journey where I discovered my weakness of low self-esteem, and I think I did a pretty good job of overcoming it. I also learnt never to let anyone tell you or suggest to you what you can or cannot do. Because you know yourself best.

I feel also, that I have been made right with God, and that He has many good things in store for me here at Circwood. Can’t wait for tomorrow!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A strange and absurd tale.

Now it came to past that Mr Suan came to sojourn in Circwood. And later on in the Place Where Everything Comes From...

I feel much better now. I was in a bad state when I went to church this morning. Not that I'd let anyone notice that.

The past week in Circwood and the Place was really bad for me. Bad in the sense that I was exposed to many of my shortcomings I never knew existed. Good in that same way too, I guess.. By the end of the week, however, my esteem was at its lowest level and I never felt so much self-loathe in my life.

Before I go into detail, allow me to describe Circwood. It is not a big forest, merely the size of 3 Wings. I share my loft with 3 other fellow sojourners, and each loft is enchanted such that the atmosphere remains cool despite the weather. Although each loft is small, it suffices for one such as I.

The food in Circwood is the best I've seen so far in Ah Gong's Legion. I had horfun for lunch the first day I stepped in, and glutinous rice for breakfast the next day. I guess the modest size of the grounds made the place seem cosy and comfortable at first sight. Whether the truth differs from impression, I can only know as more days pass.

The second day in Circwood, we traversed to The Place for Advanced Arrow-shooting in another part of the Lion Realm. That was when trouble started.

I never was much of a shooter, see, and fact that they gave us older modelled bows did not help matters. Never once did I pass my practice shoots bar one day shoot. Imagine the beating I gave myself in my head!

I kept telling myself that I couldn't shoot and true enough, the prophecy was self-fulfilled. Haix. Thank God I was able to pull myself together on the actual test and score a 17/28. Hardly a marksman score, but at least I wouldn't have to retake the test.

Other days in The Place was spent on an Exercise whereby senior sentients made us move heavy stuff around and made us do many exercises to earn our place in The Place and Circwood. This, of course, was marked by our Hat.

It was during this particular Exercise where I felt my mortality and frailty strongly once again. I hate that feeling. That feeling when the Little Man inside overtakes me and tells me that I should give up because I cannot do certain things, and I actually listen! What is wrong with me?! Where in my mental strength? Do I even have any?

The individualistic nature of my fellow sojourners did not help matters.

Where there once was Light in the form of the Epitome, there now is Darkness, since the Epitome departed for the South. I guess I am just suffering the withdrawal symptoms of the lack of Light. I've got to get used to this Darkness and cope with it before it consumes me. That would mean I would have to go it alone. Argh.

Other thoughts I shall not reveal now. It all seems pretty silly to me now. But thank you, Epitome.. somehow you always help without knowing it yourself.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I really should get my arse moving and start packing for tomorrow. I'm moving to my new camp at Location X! Somehow though I stay seated here staring at my computer screen waiting for something to happen. How utterly frustrating!

I don't actually feel like going back. (AWOL!) It feels like there are so many untied ends in my life right now that have been burnt to meld. And so life goes on without much concern as to what happened before what is going to happen. I feel displaced! Like where am I?! This must be severe jet lag.

I just need my purpose back.

Vivo, Tiong Bahru Plaza, Paradiz Centre, Tiong Bahru Plaza.

Woot! I finally got to go out today! Guess where I went? No prize, I'm afraid =P

The plan was initially to tan my white ass off in Sentosa together with Tan Long and Enqing, since we were all bored stiff from the long break we have after ______. Needless to say, the plan failed like all plans must do in some level, mainly because the Fire-golden Fruit of Laurelin refused to penetrate the pesky clouds. Urgh.

With the tanning session struck off the list, and with Tan Long dead keen on his 'double bill', we checked out the cinema for tickets to Transformers and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As luck would have it, all the tickets to either movie were selling fast in VivoCity. Don't you just hate people who go watching movies as a class and who book the tickets way in advance? Like hey, leave some space for the poor NSFs who have no other entertainment during weekends!

Disappointed, we decided to head to Tiong Bahru Plaza since it seemed to be the only place not taken over by hoards of movie-ticket-snatching folks. That's not before we (or maybe just me) shopped all over VivoCity for a top to keep my singlet-clad body warm in the cinema later on.. And of course, there was the super-filling lunch...

Carnivore was pretty much as the name of the restaurant suggested. Heaps and heaps of meat in the forms of beef rumps, fish, lamb, bbq chicken were piled on our plates by native Brazilians probably hired just to show that the place was Brazilian. The food was good, of course, though hard and sometimes smoky tasting. Don't order the Capiranha though.. I hated it. Lime is just not my cup of cocktail! Oh, I forgot to mention that it was a buffet, so naturally, I was filled to the top with food at the brink of barfing.

Shopping was disappointing. I can't believe there's nothing in Vivo to that fits what I wanted to get! I did see the tee I wanted to buy for Jamie before she went to Australia at 37 degrees though.. Too bad they had no M size. L is too large. Pity pity!

At the incessant complaints of Tan Long to leave, I finally gave up trying to find something and we all went to Tiong Bahru by means of the MRT. That's rare I tell you! Tan Long cabs like he owns ComfortDelgro. =P

Anyway, so we did manage to watch Harry Potter in the end. After finally out that Transformers was totally sold out of course. That's also after being told that the air-conditioner in the cinema was down. Like why in the world did it have to be down when we wanted to watch a movie? Go find someone else's movie outing to ruin! Thank God we went ahead with the "super hot and stuffy" option the ticket-stub-collector gave us. It wasn't that stuffy after all..

HP was wonderful. Marvellous. Fantabulous. The best movie of all the HP movies yet, I say. Truly, David Yates directed well, and there was good action on the part of Dumbledore vs Voldemort. Man, can't wait to get my hands on the books and to read them again! It's so exciting!

I should think that Sirius Black and Dumbledore would come back to life, but Harry Potter dies in the end of Deathly Hallows. Else, it would be too anti-climatic for the legendary Harry to become a normal Auror in a peaceful world. There needs to be some darkness left in the world for us to see the light! We shall see on July 21st! The net would burst with spoilers I guess..

Alrighty. I've said enough. Till another time.. take care, and stay cheery!

Friday, July 13, 2007

寂寞的季节

这首歌令我想起了两年前的《白云岗》。在这个时候也似乎十分适合我的心情。

《寂寞的季节》
(Season Of Loneliness)
作词:娃娃 作曲:陶吉吉

风吹落最后一片叶 我的心也飘著雪
爱只能往回忆里堆叠 oh~ 给下个季节
忽然间树梢冒花蕊 我怎么会都没有感觉
oh~ 整条街 都是恋爱的人 我独自走在暖风的夜
多想要向过去告别 当季节不停更迭 oh~
却还是少一点坚决 在这寂寞的季节
艳阳高照在那海边 爱情盛开的世界
远远看著热闹一切 oh~ 我记得那狂烈
窗外是快枯黄的叶 感伤在心中有一些 oh~
我了解 那些爱过的人 心是如何慢慢在凋谢
多想要向过去告别 当季节不停更迭 oh~
却还是少一点坚决 在这寂寞的季节
又走过风吹的冷冽 最后一盏灯熄灭
从回忆我慢慢穿越 在这寂寞的季节
还是寂寞的季节 一样寂寞的季节

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Wah Biang eh!

Hello babies! I'm back from ______, if you didn't already know =)

How are you feeling? Hope you are fine yeah? Hahas..

Only when I came back did I realise that I have an unposted draft sitting right here in Blogger. Gee.. I have no idea what I wanted to type the anymore.. but I guess I would just post it incomplete as a record of my life.

It's been a very boring two days for me since returning from that-place-which-shall-not-be-named. With everyone I know either in their camps or working, or overseas or studying in polys, there ain't nothing much I can do. I guess I'm not much of a self-pleasuring person. It's times like these when absences are felt strongly.. but I shall not whine about it!

Reading and playing Go did flash past as ideas to fill time once in a while, but I ended up digging out The Sims 2 to play again. Guess what? I managed to get to the top of the Science and Medicine career in two days!! And the new character is just 5 points away from maxing out all his skill points.

It's amazingly difficult to keep him faithful to one partner really.. I've tried being only friends to the neighbours, but he would start bringing colleagues home, and one thing leads to another, and they fall in love, and everything becomes messy because he's supposed to be engaged already. Man!

Other than playing the Sims, I've been trying to finish up the Absolut Vodkas I bought from DFS at amazingly cheap prices. That means downing at least 2 Vodka Oranges each day. Not very good lah hor? Especially with the 50% alcohol content from Absolut 100. Eh, Gracia, you want to help me finish it? I just want the bottles! I guess I have to be patient..

Life in general feels pretty purposeless without being in camp, and without exams to study for. There are enough times when I catch myself watching TV and surfing the net endlessly and think to myself that I no longer have A levels to study for, and then feel how pointless all these temptations are. What good is TV without examinations?!!

Oh well.. I guess I'd just live day to day.. Hahas.. I really need to fall in love to fill time.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

It hasn't really sunk into my head that I am going to ______ tonight. I'm not prepared for it.

Neither has it sunk in that I won't get to see Jamie again until a very long time from now on. I guess in the past we don't think much of not seeing someone again. It just comes very naturally that when you leave a certain environment e.g. school, you leave the people behind too. Well, Jamie is a little outside the box of NYJC, so it takes a little getting used to I guess. Plus this time it's another country.

Experience tells me that I would get over this. But I'm just typing this to whine. Hahas.. It's not easy lah, having a friend leave like that. But decisions have to be made, and I wish
 
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