Saturday, September 30, 2006

thought:

It's time to learn independence.

Friday, September 29, 2006

clueless

I am such a character that I never know what I really want. Perhaps the only thing I can decide on are the clothes I want to wear.

Why do I suddenly say this? I think I'm getting more unsure of things ba.. I used to know things for sure, now I doubt a lot more.

It really becomes a blind struggle when I don't know what I am fighting for. I do know that I want to get good grades for As and everything. That's not what I am talking about. I meant like life in general. I am not really sure what or who I like anymore, and I don't know what I am going after. Such that I just get angsty for the feeling of being alive.

Does that make sense?

Feels like I am getting refined and sawdusted at the same time. A sharp yet blunt pencil tip. HM.

Ambivalence. Gee..

And I can't sleep this thing away.. Bleargh.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Ki Siao Lang Gong Eh Wei

I haven't been myself lately.
I don't know if it's the stress,
or some sudden realisation.

Thoughts of death have been clogging up my brain..
Brain tumours,
getting knocked down by a car when I cross the road,
or maybe just dying of the headaches I have constantly.

It has to be the stress I guess.
It has come down to 34 days..
There's nowhere I can run to!
I have to face this thing...
And I am afraid I might end up failing.
I really don't want to end up like my sister,
but it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy..

Isn't there more to life than grades?

No time. Have to grit my teeth and move on!
Move on!
Move on!
Hahas.. I am beginning to sound like eelings.

Okae. I shall move on now.
You'd better too!
Get your ass off to work!
See you and the sun after the A's.


Memory

Ronin

Memory
Fading from the mind like a melody
Tangled in the reverie of time
It's so hard to say goodbye

And endlessly
Talking to the angels of your heart
Dancing with the demons of regret
It's so hard to let you go

Paint a picture in my mind
A life I had but left behind
Baby when you call my name will you still care

Tenderly
Slip away to find a better place
Just flying flying flown away from home
Now you stand alone
Now you stand alone

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

East Coast and Pub Dinner!!

I've been hounded by two people to send them pics, so I thought I might as well just blog. Hahas..

Yup! I went to East Coast Park and then for a "pub dinner" on Monday!

S6A went to ECP for a class outing of sorts at the suggestion of mk and doreen. Wahh.. thinking of it now, it must have been God's perfect day for me to cushion the blow of prelim results. hahas..

We had fun bowling, arcading (i DDRed most of the time) and then went rollerblading and cycling. Man, after 3 years of not blading, I really forgot everything le. I actually got a very nasty bruise on my leg cos I wasn't rolling straight. Surprisingly I had no bruises from falls! In fact I only fell 3 times. Hohoho.. I am PRO! That was really fun..

We then had fun at the beach and all.. you know, the typical beach stuff. =) Peck Hor built a fortress and I made a heap. Hmmm.. Alicia has the pictures of my heap!! And we made a 05S6A together in the sand. So cliche!! But very fun. Hahas.. I must go and get the photos from them man..

Here's a random shot I took of Bee when she was trying to evade..


After ECP, I went to Clark Quay to celebrate Teckie's and Cheek's bdae. That was some ordeal.. I got really peeved cos we just couldn't decide on where to eat. Ended up eating at macs then going to Brewerkz for drinks.

Here are the pics......




Photos of the pretty lights they have in Clark Quay!! Too bad the camera phone doesn't have a high enough ISO. Turned out grainy and the colours are really.. dull. Hahas. Really. You have to go there and see it for yourself. It's super pretty!!


Photo of Tan Long looking really red. Hahas.. he was acting drunk. But really.. super red.


Zhaoyu zi4 pai1. Man, more narcissistic than me. And zi pai with my phone! What is this...


Chow and Cheeks. Hm.


And Teckie and Chow.. Man, teck looks really freaky in this..

Anyway, Brewerkz was really nice. We were quite disturbed by the higher-than-thou tone of the waitress, but we still had fun getting high. We got ourselves one jar of fruit beer and bourbon coke. Man, I really didn't like the beer. Nor the coke actually.. Why do people like alcohol? Give me a can of soda any day man.. I guess it's a peer pressure, look cool feel cool and sophisticated thing. erks.

The service was good though.. we (tan long, eq and me) asked if we could have a slice of cake separately without cheeks and teckie knowing, and they were very accomodating. And they didn't charge us for the cake! Like. Wow. I am so going there again to buy their super inflated food because they did that for us. Hahas..

It was fun larh. Just us having fun. Hmm. How does it even work?!

We went Starbucks after that and got coffee and basically just talked..

It's funny how a day passes so quickly.. wah. I don't want the A levels to come!!!!!!!

Friday, September 22, 2006

\/|\/`

Writing used to make so much sense to me. If I couldn't solve a problem, at least I could write about it. Blogify the whole thing such that the problem seems so much more romanticised and easy. To make the matter feel like it's just a small part of my life that makes it beautiful.

I remember how blogging was so important to me in the interim period between Sec 3 and 4, when so much happened to me. Looking back, the entries reveal nothing much. I am never good at coming out and saying what I mean. Not when my sister is reading this; not to mention random people from Mindef and USA.

Things are so much more difficult now. It seems like as I get older - and no, I am not getting younger at all - the more complex things appear. Simple things that I could shrug off or things that I didn't even know about now bug me.

It's something like how you see the world as how it's supposed to be in your mind, where everyone is supposed to treat people properly, and war is supposed to be the last resort, and lying is supposed to be uncommon as HIV is supposed to be, and how people are supposed to be able to speak what they feel, how everyone shouldn't have walls around them, how there is supposed to be true love, how there shouldn't be gays, how there shouldn't be a hole in the ozone, how everyone ends up happily ever after.. all these..

As I live longer and grow up, I find everything a fallacy. I know more, I am sure of less. Pocahontas hates the white guy who comes to take her land instead of falling in love with him while teaching him an invaluable lesson on the intangibles of life. They lead cruel lives filled with anger and the desire for revenge which eventually leads to suppression, death and destruction.

Been feeling really frustrated yesterday and today. Why exactly? I cannot tell. Is it actually possible to generate your own frustration? Like I think that I should be frustrated, therefore I am frustrated. If this kind of things happen, how do I turn it off? This stupid self-sabotage is killing me like how the phlegm is killing my throat right now.

I guess I know why I am upset and even to the extent of being depressed, but I don't know the reason why that thing is causing me so much anguish. Arggh.. that really sucks.

There is a perfect umbrella we all have in our heads. But we never get to use it. Simply because that umbrella doesn't exist for you like how the perfect world doesn't exist. We like certain umbrellas over others, yet the fact that we can never use them hurts us to the very core. The fear of rejection and the rejection itself that is played out in our heads are enough to deter us from ever using another umbrella. Better be drenched in the rain and act brave and romantic than be found with an umbrella that would break in the darkest storms.

Somewhere over the rainbow,
Blue birds fly;
Why then oh why,
Can't I?

P.S. By the way, the entry title was inspired by the shape of an origami crane. I know Mr Suan bashing people (I won't say who) would say it doesn't look like a crane. But who cares?

Monday, September 18, 2006

umbrella.

It seems that I am not getting any work done today. Not yet anyway.. We'll see what tomorrow brings.. And of course, I can't wait for the prelims to end! DotA!!!!

I decided to blog mainly because I had to. Just having so many things up in my head that I felt the need to offload some stuff here. Hahas.. I shall attempt to use the code language I used to be proficient in in secondary school to write this so that no one would understand what I am talking about =)

Gee.. mental block! Don't know how to codify le!

I was thinking about this in the morning: Umbrellas... Houses are really umbrellas with walls. So if we wanted to, we could live in umbrellas. Like.. just add some walls to it, and make the umbrella really big. Something like a tent right? A tent is a cross between an umbrella and a real solid house. Hmmm..

Just thought what a blessing an umbrella is to all of us. Because of it, we can actually go much faster without the fear of getting drenched. Just this morning, I was reflecting on how my trusty ole automatic umbrella helped me to get to school without getting wet. I think I left it in school though.. shit.

We all need umbrellas in life. To shelter us from the storms that come, or just to give us an anchor against the storms that rage within us. So that we don't get sick and downtrodden.

Storms that rage within us. Curious.. That's what I have been repeatedly been facing these few weeks. The helplessness one faces when he is unable to defeat his circumstances because of his very weaknesses. The inability of me to stop watching the TV at home. The temptation of reaching out to the mobile phone to sms someone so that it doesn't get too lonely.

Increasingly, really.. I find myself isolated. When did that happen? When did everyone disappear and become faraway strangers? Things that I was certain of became questionable. So right now, I am not friends with people. I am still trying to get used to the mentality that everyone I meet is merely an acquaintance. To use the mentality of someone I knew, not being friends means you would never lose friends, like how it works with hope and disappointment. Kinda sad if you think about it. At the end of the day, I'll just have to know that there are people I can trust, even if there is no one I can talk to.

Truthfully speaking, I have nothing to talk about. What sad tale can I tell? Everything is too routine for me. If you don't belong to the same JC as me, what can I tell you that you would be interested it? Nothing much, really. That's tried and tested. So that's how everyone drifts apart. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's not true. Presence is very important. After all, what is not there would not be there. The effort to stay present is too great. A retreat into the shadows of memories and the back alleys are much easier..

So here lies the rationale for the diminishing of mr suan. Maybe that's how elves fade. Like you lose all the fighting and energy from your spirit. wah.

So I was talking about umbrellas. Everyone needs one. God, girlfriend, money, car, house, friends, anything to anchor you. I am trying to live without one. Ultimately I know that God would always be there, and I thank Him for it. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's good to know that others would be there too.

What to do, what to do.. at least I am alive!

Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.
—Souza

Friday, September 01, 2006

Singapore Dreaming



I was watching a review of this on ChannelNewsAsia . Five stars!! It seemed like a nice movie from the trailers too. A great deviation from the typical emo Jack Neo movies.

I really want to catch this. It opens on the 7th of Sept! That means it would be really near my prelims. Doubt anyone would catch it with me. Xi Xun would probably be too busy hor? Maybe I should start looking for more movie buddies. Anyone wants to apply? Hehs..

Eh. You have to go watch it okae? Support local! And Wooch, support Y3!

If you want to watch (that means you don't really care for 3 hours of your prelims revision), tell me!! I will go watch with you. Hehs.. Okae, I think I am over enthu here.. Let's just work hard for the important things in life, and buy DVDs later.

Just wanted to tell you about this movie. Now that you know, peace out!
 
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