Saturday, June 30, 2007

背影

Do you know how the French Revolution started?

France had a system of lordship and serfhood. Basically a serf is a farmer who tends to the land allotted to him (or more commonly taken away from him) by his lord. Now, serf had to know his place, and farm enough to pay the "rent" for the land in terms of taxes and also to have enough for his family.

The French monarchy was obviously infamously unaware of the sufferings that this system caused, as epitomised in what Queen Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake." As we all know, desperate people are dangerous people. Think Cultural Revolution, think Berlin Wall, think, more recently, the 2nd Gulf War.

And so the serfs rose up against the oppression of the lords who had no real right over them, killing them with farm tools and the guillotine they created.

Now, what has this got to do with what I'm going to blog about?

Simply that I was just passing excrement (ahem) in someone's place, and this thought came to my mind: "I should know my place." Typical Dezhi thought, I would think. Something that is low on esteem and filled with self-belittlement.

But spend some time to think about it. I have a Lord who has every right over my life. He bought it, after all. Have I really thought about what my place is? What I need to do is to obey, and not heed the spirit of rebellion that is within me. Maybe that's why there's been so much difficulty and heartache along the way. Simply because it's not God's way. Makes total sense.

Now if I were me when I was in Secondary Three, I would not believe that I would say such a thing. I believed in freedom, in doing what you want as long as it harms no one and you feel good about it, and in that elusive idea of love. You know, it being universal, selfless, blah blah blah, all that jazz.

I believe in God now. So if you have something to say to me, please don't. I feel like I've grown older over these years. I've learnt a lot of things. So I should know better. Just need to learn once again not to get caught up in the moment, I guess.

So what I'm saying now is that I should emancipate myself like what the serfs did. Break free from the bondage that has held me, and focus on the things I want to achieve. Like get a Vespa! Get a 2B license before getting a Vespa! Get a non-SLR-but-has-manual-options camera! Learn Japanese! Buy a new MacBook Pro if I have extra money (not likely)! What else arh? I think that's about it for now.

Anyways, I saw 2 Vespas at Thomson Plaza today! Gracia was suggesting we share a Vespa. Hahas.. Doubt it will work, but sounds very tempting sia! That would cut the price I have to pay to about 4 thousand bucks up? I think I will be putting a meter up to show my savings real soon =) Presuming I survive ______, the place I am going to.

Kayaking was fun today. I feel like I can do a K1 better now after Wei Lun pang seh me to take a K2 with Jun Kai. I lost to Piper and Cheryl and the J1 in a T1! Quite sad larh. But I guess 1 year of non-rowing really makes a difference. Especially because I didn't do any warm-up rounds! It was like "okae, Dezhi, go challenge them!" Aiyah. I pulled all the way and threw strokes into the wind. Obviously, I died by 500m. Boo! But hey, I loved going back to MacRitchie and capsizing as much as I want. Exhilarating!

I'm now in Jamie's room after playing LAN with the kayaking gang. There's a class gathering going on now with pizza and the last ever game to be held in the National Stadium playing outside, but I'm blogging alone here. Oh melancholy! Hahas.. Drama darling! No lah.. just don't feel especially in the mood for talk with my irritating sore eye in my eye. So hello blog! I've got a feeling I'd become some geek who only blogs before soon (that's if I'm not already that).

This is not bad, you know. There's no climatic ending and sendoff, but at least there's an ending. Another chapter is half closed with no clue as to what the future of the story would bring.

That's the beauty of life isn't it? Nothing is ever final.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Same side of the moon.

Before long I would be going off to an undisclosed distant land for training. It came so fast that I feel nothing really about it. Tiny bits of hysteria flashes past my mind once in a while like what if I die there? or would I get to see you again?

I guess some things never change. While Ivan is thinking about what else to add into his computer or when would be the best time to buy that Wii, and while Tan Long is thinking about what to eat for dinner or when to have a DotA session, here I am sitting here thinking about the same thing over again.

I'm not a cynical bitch as much as a self inflicter of pain. I remember once reading Shuying's entry about this. Or was it? It was around that period lah.. About how this self-pity can be gratifying. Maybe I indulge in feeling emo?

Anyway, the past few days went badly, and I have every right to feel sad okae! Jamie unfortunately fell sick just before social night, so I had to go alone. I didn't want to ask someone else because I was thinking it wouldn't be fair to her (the other person) cos I would be sulking anyway. Then when I finally got to Sentosa Tanjong Beach, I immediately regretted. Imagine everyone with a date but me. Evidently I was sullen and quiet. Strangely, I did enjoy myself, looking at all the couples having fun, and just immersing in the general atmosphere of reminiscence.

So anyway, most of the evening was spent feeling really weird, and I'm really thankful that eelings was there. Tan Long too. The sky was beautiful and many couples took the chance to take their wedding photos there. I saw at least 5 of them! Like wah.. I'm gonna take mine in an unexpected place. A multi-storey carpark!

Today was spent stoning at home because well, Jamie can't eat chocolates no more, and she can't stay out too late, so I thought we should just give the date a miss. And so all that I looked forward to for this week just went poof!. Of course I would be disappointed. So please stop asking me not to be disappointed. But it's alright lah.. I'm experienced now in such things.

My main concern is just seeing Jamie again before going off to ______ and her going overseas. Wouldn't want someone to just disappear without a word like that. We all know how all relationships are fragile, and once it becomes too much of a hassle, everything falls apart (think 6B, OG, 4H, KKMC, etc..) . I'm just trying to keep a picture memory of her before she disappears.

Well, I guess I have no real say in determining whether I can ever meet her, judging by the last two dates. If I don't, here's bon voyage and bestest blessings to you, Jamie!

I'd be kayaking tomorrow! Hehs.. Meeting the J1s for the first time. They are so dead! Wah. It would be fun =) Heard from HP's sms that the youth group would be fun too. Can't wait! Even though tomorrow would mean just one more day left for me...

Don't miss me guys! I know you won't =) Eh, and if you are reading this, please tag. Argh. It's like dead lah. Show me some love! That applies to you, Tan Long's mum, and Tan Long's sister! Hahas.. okae, that's real strange.

I might blog again tomorrow.. see how ba. If I don't, please wish me luck. Thanks much, and I love you all!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Determined!

Never let anyone allow you to do any less than you can achieve.

That is what I have learnt through my short stay here at OCS. The whole of Foxtrot Wing has just left the Wing line for their 23 km route march. 4 SISPEC crossovers followed along, the other 23 of us stayed behind, lured by the temptation of rest and procrastination.

Have you watched Ghost Rider? This is the feeling you get when you realise that you have sold your soul to the devil unknowingly. It felt all wrong at the start, but what Tan Long said to me made total sense. Why be so upset when you have it so good? I basically did nothing since coming here from SISPEC. Nothing significant, at least. It's not a matter about being cynical. That's an easy explanation to shut me up. It's really about not performing.

Why didn't I go for the route march? I chose not to. Why? Because I bought into the slacking and I believed that my miserly 28km march in SISPEC justifies my not doing everything in the world. I am fallen. That's why I've been feeling like crap all these days. It was my conscience speaking, and I didn't hear it until it was too late.

Tango Wing Comd spoke to us just now, and I've realised that what he said was very true. Instead of lamenting on my posting to Logs, I should excel in it and show that I am the best in what I do. That's precisely what I'm going to do. No more telling me what I can or cannot do. Because only I get to decide that!

We'll do it all; Everything; On our own; We don't need; Anything; Or anyone

Pro Term would be arduous. With my friends all busy with their own vocations and individual work and studies, it would be worse. But I know I am going to come out on top of it all. Overcoming adversity with courage, fortitude and determination.

I promise.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Temporal bliss.

I'm going to be booking in again soon. This long weekend seems to be full of frustration for me. I'm not very certain of the cause, but it might be the Gatsby Moving Rubber that I just bought. I tend to get pimple outbreaks and short tempers when my hair is stuck in the same place too long. Hahas. Thank God for no pimple outbreak this time!

I am partially also frustrated with the sheer amount of thoughts running through my head. Hide or show? (I can totally see Tan Long's eyes lighting up now) Well, after thinking for so long, I realised that it would be selfish to say anything. It's just too late. I don't want it to be an unnecessary burden on top of so many other things to worry about.

Anyways, the week was fulfilling. I managed to have very very delicious chocolate at Max Brenner at the Esplanade with Tan Long, Ivan and Jun Yuan. Words cannot describe how wonderful it was for me to bite into that Belgian Waffel. Truly orgasmic. I smsed Jamie about it, and we are going again this Friday to eat it! Hehs.

And then I had my long awaited kayaking gathering! By God's grace, my regimental guard duty was lifted from me because other people had to serve their extras from platoon field camp. We went to the zoo! It was amazingly boring. More like a botanical garden than a zoo man. All the animals somehow disappeared into the plants.

I was told how screwed up the current batch of J1s were. How is it that young people nowadays have no respect for their seniors? Hey, if you are really good, go ahead, show us and shut us up. But if your training has nothing to show for it, and you slack off, then you deserve to get a lecture from any of us! 10km in 2hours? What a joke. To think we put in so much sweat in our earlier trainings to make sure that we made a mark in competitions. 2 years on, we are going to be brought down by these slackers? Do they have no sense of pride for their own CCA and their achievements?

As the pioneer batch, we are going to go down this Saturday to show them how crappy it is that we would beat them after not touching a paddle for longer than any of them. (That is if we actually beat them.. hahas)

Other than the gatherings, we played DotA to our hearts contents too with the 6 new heroes. =) I regretted it though.. We played till 4am this morning, and I had trouble going home. Now I have so little money for all the things I want to prepare for social night! Man, I wanted it to be perfect. Just hope that my brother would be kind enough to lend me some moolah!

Well, other than that, there's nothing much.. I'd better go dress up!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Jamie Joan Yiteng!

I went for a small gathering with these 3 people last weekend. It wasn't really planned or anything. Huimin arranged to meet Jamie for some driving stuff, then Tiff suggested an OG outing which amounted to nothing, and then somehow I ended up meeting Huimin, Jamie and Yiteng!

Strange how it all works out eh?

Anyways, I took some photographs to decorate this blog. Hahas..

I initially met up with Joan and Jamie at Ajisen Ramen for lunch, and then Yiteng came by! Wah.. I haven't met her in at least half a year lorh! But it was slightly awkward.. I couldn't really think of things to talk about.

As usual, Joan was complaining about her work and the rest of us were listening to her whining. Hahas.. brings back old memories!



Now, this is Joan or Huimin zipai-ing outside Ajisen. She's the most enthusiastic about taking photos lorh! The other two are like.. sian sian don't want to take like that leh.



And this is a photo of me with Huimin! I think my smile a little too big. Not nice! Hahas.. and how come my hand so big sia?



After Ajisen, we moved on to this shop selling materials for scrapping. Jamie wanted to find some stuff to make something for her friend before she flew off, see. I can't remember the name of the shop offhand. Getting old you know! Anyways, Joan's posing with one of the prints from that shop. Hahas. Somehow she reminds me of the mirror in Snow White and 7 Dwarves.



FACE/OFF! Nah! It's me taking a photo through a wooden stool. Bored, I am. Hahas.. Looks quite nice, don't you think? Aiyah, any photo with me in it would look fantabulous, baby!



After Jamie finished her shopping, we gathered for a group shoot! Oh so heartwarming =)



Then I pestered Jamie to take more photos with me, since she's gonna leave soon. Won't get to see her for a damn long time! ='( Gotta capture the memories before its too late.



Finally, just before we all parted ways, as we always have to in life, we took one last group photo outside of PS. We all look so happy!

Hope we all stay cheery forever!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

190607 2116

There are times such as a time like this that I feel an urge to blog but cannot, mainly because the SAF is afraid that blogging would introduce viruses into their computer network. Nah. I'm sure that's not the real reason.. maybe something more sinister like not wanting funny happenings in here to be leaked out to the civilian realm. Whatever the case, I can't blog!

Like the genius I am, I came up with a solution to go around this problem. I am typing an e-mail to myself! How cool is that? After all, blogging really is just typing a message to yourself. I'm just doing it the old-fashioned way.

Anyways, I just finished a 2 x 3km run (i.e. 6km for you math-unsavvy folk out there) because the Wing Comd decided that we shouldn't join the rest of the Wing in their 16km route march. Now, there are two conspiracy theories as to why:
  1. Someone thinks that the reason is that we are not "physically conditioned" to join the Wing for the 16km. Hey, after all, us SISPEC s**ts only completed a 28km route march. Hardly good enough for the OCS standard man.. 16km is just too difficult for us.
  2. Wing Comd finds that there's no need for us to do another 16km since we have already done our 28km in SISPEC. Now, that sounds more logical doesn't it? Sometimes I wonder how people think.
It's never really the tangible aspects of how they treat us here that makes me feel ill at ease. It's these small little things that tells me, "hey, you are not supposed to be here". Little things like what they call us, to what they ask us to do - mainly fatigue work. Hey, I totally understand that it would be better for us to do fatigue work - after all, we don't get to participate in the activities anyway.. But can you blame us for feeling used? For being treated like we are the Filipinos?

There are definitely good people here who try to assimilate us. But I know too that it would be hard. After all, we haven't been here for 12 weeks, and the fact that we don't get to go through the "tough trainings" like 16km and Exercise Spade with the rest of the cadets sets us apart even more. It's like we are slacking all the way. Personally, I don't mind doing a 16km again. Although I can't speak for the rest of the crossovers, but I really think it would help us to blend in.

That said, maybe we are all waiting for the end of Service Term when everyone would go their separate ways anyways, so there would be less hassles of getting to know people.

Well, I think that's enough said about my dilemma here in Jurong West..

There's something else that's been occupying my thoughts, but I don't think I can share it. I'm starting to get slightly paranoid. As is natural when you start to care about something too much! I don't want to end up suffocating the baby by holding it too tight, to use a metaphor. After all, I know in myself that I shouldn't be thinking so much. My priority should be doing well here in OCS. Hm.

I'm just intrigued, that's all.. like never before. Not something I can describe actually, even if you were to ask me why. But I know at the end of the day that it's my own business, and I need only to keep it to myself, and everything would be alright. Ask not for more, and this moment would stay forever.

Hahas.. I bet you are puzzled as to what I am saying =P. That's the point man, that's the point. Hmm.. I wonder if I would one day become a great philosopher and expound about nothing at all like what I am doing now. Hehs. It would be fun, you know. To be remembered as someone who changed the philosophical landscape, by really, just blabbering.

I digress! I think it's time to end this little entry.. I can't wait for book out on Thursday! See you soon!!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Other Side of the World

The past week has been tumultuous in OCS for me, mainly because of the lost camp pass issue. The week started pretty bad for me because of that. I was quite worried as to what punishment I would receive for..

By mid week, things turned bleaker as more "suay" things came my way. Imminent possibility of us new cadets going for re-Spade, new cadets having to redo IPPT - effectively meaning that LTA Roger lied to us about not having to do it, me getting only a 9.45 for my 2.4km timing - essentially one second away from a gold timing, being scolded by Sergeant Major for having a fuffed up piece of smart 4, and learning that I would have to do guard duty on the 23rd which was slated to be a kayak gathering day to the zoo.

Yes, even Tan Long said that he's never seen anyone as unlucky as me. So he can't blame me for being bitter and cynical! I really think its the feng shui that is clashing with my fantabulous aura!

Things turned out for good eventually. I didn't have any punishment for the camp pass, and there was no re-Spade. God works out everything for my good, it seems. It's a sign to tell me to trust more on His goodness and not be so faithless! And maybe I should not complain so much about my predicament. It's nothing serious, really.

On a lighter note, Ariffin was asking me if I could come up with an English name for myself so that it would be easier to remember my name. Hahas.. so I sort of had a referendum amongst the new cadet.. And they came up with:
Francis
Desmond
Derrick
Alphonso
Eduardo
I thought maybe I should call myself Jude after listening to Hey Jude, but then, I finally thought I should be called...
HUNKALICIOUS WEN DEZHI!

Muahahahas.. it has a certain ring to it doesn't it? Call me Hunk for short. "Wen. Hunk Wen." LOL!

Anyway, Jamie is leaving for Melbourne soon.. I'd be really sad! Don't really want her to go, but of course I didn't tell her that. It doesn't really help her I guess. I told her to just go if it would help further her studies. The decision to go is never easy and I must try encourage her mah..

That would mean I would have one less person to call. Although phone costs are supposed to be cheaper in Aussieland, but I'm not counting on it. Guess I don't have the confidence that we would stay in contact. -shrugs- Wah. Hope she doesn't read this. Hahas..

Now, this song below has no real relevance, but I just really like it. Man, KT Tunstall rocks!

OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD
KT TUNSTALL

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Bare.

It seems like I have lost my ability to blog these days..

Things are many and quite complex. Complex enough for me to not know how to put them into words. Complex, not in a serious way, but in a way which bothers me quite a lot.

Well, it seems like I'm at a new crossroads of a change in my mindset. Kory was right in Secondary 2 when he said that I was gullible, you know. I know now that I might just be so, so naive. BSLC has taught me that, and I'm beginning to sober to this in other aspects of my life.

Things that I once thought were simple and easily resolvable turned out to be dead knots at every turn. Like how I never knew that my family was so fragile until my sister revealed her semi-depression during her secondary school days, and how I see the hate growing in my brother. I used to brush it off in the past as something that is get-overable. Now I know that there's only God who can fix this mess we muddled into somehow.

Other things that people seem to gain so easily comes with so much effort to me. Just look at Rich and Tan Long and Enqing getting into OCS easily, while I had to take the long route. Don't get me wrong, I'm not envious - I wouldn't give the world for my time in SISPEC - nor am I unhappy to get into OCS like Liansheng thought. It's just that I sometimes catch myself wishing that something in my life could be simple, easy. Just that.

I was really disappointed that I didn't get into Law. I was so sure I could do it. Yes, my results were not the best in the gigantic 4As lot, but I felt so affirmed that I was going to get it. Hence the disappointment. I know I will get it eventually, so strongly because I know God is would grant me the desires of my heart.. but why does everything have to be done by the long way for me?

I'm jaded. Tired with little reprieve. With no one really to talk to.. I know I have good friends, but we just aren't the talk-about-emo-things friends I guess. I thought I could talk to Jamie, but I won't do it somehow. Maybe it's too big a mess to even talk about..

I've always dreamed of going overseas (it somehow strikes me that this is the 3rd consecutive paragraph I've started with 'I'). Not to study.. maybe to study, but more like. A break. A long break to look at rustic buildings. To see London or France where all the movies are made, where buildings have history and are not just high-rise apartments without life. Singapore is so boxy and square that it suffocates me. I want to see expanses of meadows and mountains! I want to shout at the top of my lungs and hear the echo in my ears. I want to sit at a tucked away bistro for half a day watching people pass by. I want to whisper sweet-nothings to someone and feel the warm hug of another. I want, I want, I want! I only dream of these.

What's wrong? Nothing, really.. I'm okae. I'm just feeling claustrophobic, I guess.. I should quit this and carry on with OCS tomorrow. Polish my boots, pack my bags, prepare for the busy day. What else can I do really?
 
This blog is best viewed in Firefox 3.6 with 1024x768 screen resolution.