Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Insomnia.



I got hooked on this song by sitting too much on Lion's car. It has a good beat and groove to it. It's a Korean version of David Craig's Insomnia, by the way.

The end of the road.

I just got home from visiting RQ at NUH. I must say I didn't prepare myself for it to be this bad. She could not talk or move except for blinking and some twitching of her fingers. It's supposedly the effect of the cancer spreading to her brain and the fluids stuck up there.

I know she must have recognised me because I gave her the "zoh si mi?" look, and she had the "ah Sir" look in her eyes. She was looking right into my eyes. For a moment I couldn't look back because I was afraid I will start tearing. The last thing I want is for her to feel sad for me, so I held back as much as I could. I didn't want to be melodramatic in front of her relatives either...

It was later when I was at the airport sending Aaron Derrick back to Dubai when I thought, "Good people don't do good so that they can live long lives." I guess the brighter a candle burns, the faster it extinguishes. But it's light would have impacted so many others, like the spreading of a spark into a wildfire, uncontrollable and mighty. I know and am glad I was one of them.

Still, I pray for miracles to happen. I know God has a greater plan.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Busy busy..

My schedule is crazy.

03.04.09 (Fri) SPRING EDS Assessment
07.04.09 (Tue) Driving TP Test (gasp!)
08.04.09 (Wed) SMU Law Interview
10.04.09 (Fri) Good Friday Picnic

Now the only hurdle to cross is asking my boss for leave -_-

Grey.

Do you have days when you wake up feeling slightly melancholic, just enough to make the sky feel grey without inhibiting your ability to act like nothing is wrong throughout the day?

But nothing is wrong. It's just a feeling that something is. That there's something to be sad about.

I must be listening to too much Jay Chou..

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Newfound happiness.

asher.

That's my new name! It means "happiness" in Hebrew and is the name of the 8th son of Jacob. It takes some getting used to, because I still love Dezhi sooooo much! (doesn't everyone? haha)

Aspirations.

We were eating at Chalk at the top of Mount Sophia yesterday when Enqing observed that I seem to have a lot of things I want to do. Chee Keen commented on the same thing today in Yen Chin's car, "wah, you want to do a lot of things hor?"

I don't think so. They are all somehow related...

1. Keyboard lessons
2. Jazz Piano lessons (maybe can self-learn)
3. Vocal lessons
4. Buy a foldable kayak and row in reservoirs like fullmoon
5. Hip hop dance classes
6. EVENTUALLY go for OSIM Triathlon next year

I just think that this opportunity of not having anything to do would never come again. Before I get swept into the abyss of endless lectures and tutorials and projects, I should do what I like. Don't you think so too?

If only dreams come true for free.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wilts

So many things have been happening, and there hasn't been time to really sit down and note down the impact of them all. I'm tired of work. It's draining so much time and starting to make me feel too inadequate - or rather, extra.

There are times when I feel the need to slow down and take things one at a time. Have a moment to enjoy what is around me, to marvel at the quietness of things, much like how it feels like in a kayak.. Especially recently, I feel the urge getting stronger.

I tire now though, I shall leave writing till another time.

But a breath.

"It is not living that is important, but living rightly." - Socrates

Monday, March 23, 2009

For 2WO Agnes.

2WO Agnes is highly passionate and dedicated to her work, often working till the wee hours of the night before she is willing to go home to take a rest. Although she was disappointed at her low ranking when she first entered the unit, she was never deterred and strove to prove to naysayers that she could and will achieve.

Her efforts in her work were not unrewarded. For the Annual Stocktaking of the 07/08 work year, 6 Division achieved zero discrepancies and received a plaque in the Supply Workplan Seminar in 2008. For the 08/09 Logistics Readiness Inspection, 6 Division also achieved an excellent result of ‘A’.

Even when she was diagnosed with cancer, Agnes was reluctant to relinquish her duties. To her, being an RQ was more than a job - it was a part of her life.

To her colleagues, Agnes is always quick to offer her laughter and joy. Being around her infected one with a grit and optimism. It was always interesting to her the experiences she had to share and the knowledge that she had. That, I feel, was also of the most defining and admirable traits about her – she is never afraid to share what she knows with others.

In her interactions with her subordinates, she is very much like a mother to them. She fights ferociously to safeguard their welfare and always stands up against any demands of the QM Platoon that seem to be too overbearing. She would often bring food stuff back to the office as treats to the platoon, showing her appreciation for their hard work. As a result, she is able to connect and talk to her men, relating to them at their level.

During the Ex Phalanx, she was awarded with a Letter of Commendation from then 6 Division Commander, now BG Lim Teck Yin, for her devotion to the smooth administration of the Exercise, staying up late and taking on more shifts so that the men can be well-rested for the days ahead.

Her contribution to the SAF is one which is evident to everyone who has known her.

Friday, March 20, 2009

The story gets more absurd..

AIG is suing the US Government - who now owns 80% of AIG - for overtaxing them. Talk about stepping yourself in the foot, or biting the hand that feeds you!

Thank God I live in Asia, where we actually have values!

See http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/20/business/20aig.html?hp

So..

I went for the SPRING EDS Scholarship interview earlier today.

I have no idea how I did, only that I meant what I said to the interviewee. If I get it, it would be a good bonus, and it would take some load off the family finances.

The sole reason I went for this scholarship is really because I feel that SPRING is in a good position to help SMEs. I guess I am just that kind of person who needs a higher calling in everything I do. Since working in EDC, it seems like this is where all the action is, where what you do actually have some real positive impact on others. I think that is a very important factor in any job that I undertake.

I would say that the essay question was quite tough as there was so much to say, and my essay skills are getting rusty. I gestured a little too much in my interview too, didn't I? Hmmm..

I hope I get it!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

iPhone 3.0

The beta version out iPhone 3.0 OS is out!

There are quite number of changes such as MMS support, Bluetooth compatibility, landscape view for all apps, copy and paste functions, push notification, etc.


The OS is expected to be out by summer and hopefully, the new OS would mean that the new iPhone is coming out soon. Can't wait!


Ref: http://www.electronista.com/articles/09/03/17/iphone.3.os.details/


zzzZ..

Having nothing to do at work is weighing on me more than I would have imagined. Without the clear permission to Facebook, blog, read NYTimes online or read Macnn.com, every minute feels like a guilt trip.

The truth of the matter is, there's nothing much for me to do in these times of lull. When everyone who is interested in the schemes of the Government after the Budget have come and gone, all that's left are the stragglers who decide to wait till now. And those are few.

The nature of the job is as such that we are dependent on walk-ins and phone enquiries. Without these, it seems like the time on my hands are growing. I hate sitting here having nothing to dooooooo..

Monday, March 16, 2009

There must be more than this.

In the song Consuming Fire written by Tim Hughes, there is a line that goes, "There must be more than this/O Breath of God come breathe within./There must be more than this/Spirit of God we wait for You".

There has been a fear in me for some time now, that this is it. That for the next half a century that I hope to live on to, every day is going to be how it is today - routine, aimless and dull.

Yes, the environment in which I operate in will change. I am working now, but not for long. I will be studying in university soon. Thereafter, I would be thrown into another working environment again. Life marches on indeterminately, as is the fate of all put on earth till a common end comes to us. Yet, will there be more?

A long long time ago, somewhere in my late primary and early secondary school days, I believed that "more" referred to love. You know, that wonderful thing that causes butterflies in your stomach and makes you obsess over the object of your fancy for days on end, stretching even to years. I believed in that marvellous castle in the clouds called True Love and I chased that fantasy for some time, but it was mere obsession on my part, I realised, nothing more.

Somehow that belief broke at the epochal moment when Jeniffer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up. Well, I would soon come to realise that divorces are not that rare after all, and true love hardly stays true. The magical bubble had burst.

Subtlely, my paradigm shifted. It was not a love of man that gave more meaning to the lives that we trudge in. It is the love of God, and love for God. True value and worth comes from doing things that will benefit others and honour God.

Why put God into the picture you ask? Isn't doing good for others enough? Because God helps to distinguish good from good. It's evident that we can distinguish good from bad well enough even with our flawed conscience, but how can you distinguish one good from another? With the limited resource that you have (be it time, money, effort..), what determines what you do? I believe it's the revelation of God from the "Spirit of God".

Then again, it's never that clear cut and straightforward. What now, even if I know what "more" is? How do I apply it? It seems like the daily life leaves little room for doing anything other than work, eat and sleep. How do I squeeze some time out to influence others positively? That's one of the reasons why I think Chee Keen is so incredible. Even at the busiest points, he has the time to go back to BB to help the juniors. He has the time for playing in the worship team. He has time to comfort others. All these things that I yearn but have lost.

I will not deny that there's still a small piece of vacuum somewhere in me. A final piece of a jigsaw I have yet to find. Or perhaps don't want to find. A remnant rebel. I am close to it, I know.

In another song, Sara Groves sang, "Remember surrender/Remember the rest/Remember that weight lifting off of your chest/And realising that it's not up to you, and it never was". It's a meaningless struggle I know.

Because it was never up to me.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

=/

I have been feeling quite moody these few days due to a series of events and thoughts that I have been having.

Topmost in the list would of course be my brother's decision to go PMS on all of us. You see, we wanted to buy a car for the family, and he set out looking for it and all. Then he decided that it was too much effort and got angry all of a sudden. And we all don't know why. I guess it's not meant to be eh? But I think that family is more important than any car. It just seems like no one shares my thought. I'm starting to realise that my family is quite a self-centred one. It seems like we are all living for ourselves. Haix. I never saw it like that, but increasingly it seems that way. And I don't know how to even start to be the change that I want to see. =/ Perhaps the easy way is the grow up, work up enough money and move out like my uncle did. Is that why he did that?

There's also the eternal feeling of fatigue throughout the week. I feel like work is draining so much emotional energy from me that I don't feel like doing anything during the weekends. That's part of the reason why I didn't want to go for worship prac this week too. I just want to stay at home and lie down and rest.. But it's not helping. No amount of rest seems to stop me from feeling tired. Haix.

Well, then there's also the other thing. I have come to a point where I realise the only way it could go, but something in me just refuses to recognise that fact. I wilfully cling on to hope that will not be realised. And I realised that I have changed over the 4 years, and things will never be the same again. And I have lost that feeling forever. It's just not the same anymore, and frankly, there's no use holding on to it. But I can't seem to let go. -Mega sigh!- And in the midst of this all, it feels like I am failing God. Because of this small part that I really really don't want to let go.

I know in time, everything will turn out well. I will probably loosen this grip, and everything will seem so funny in retrospect. =/

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Allegiance Slumber Party.

And so came the end of the Slumber Party. I now have to look for the next thing to look forward to.

We had a lot of fun worshipping, understanding how to deal with all sorts of difficult people, and playing Taboo (thanks Rich!!). I think the Taboo was the funnest.

It didn't exactly turn out as I imagined it. I was thinking more of a Settler's Cafe concept where we would be playing board games, but it turned out that we didn't have enough time for that. So we watched The Emperor's Club instead.

It was a great movie. Wholesome, interesting, and well - wholesome sums it all. I especially liked when Mr. Hundret said, "It is not living but living rightly." It was a quote from Socrates. That makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. Would you choose temporal gains and pleasures at the expense of virtue and eternal value? "When the day comes when you have to stare into your reflection, all you will see is a life lived without virtue." Wahhhhh. So impactful. There was this last part too, when he said something about your life's worth not being about the one mistake you make, but about the many lives you impact. Something like that. That was very wow also.

Well, I would say we had fun. Just that I ended up with a very itchy face and bad sleep =/ But I'm looking forward to the next thing that we are gonna do!

A rainy post for a rainy day.

It's raining! An especially good time for listening to Mandarin pop songs and feeling emo. I missed worship practice so that I can sleep at home after the Slumber Party, but ended up being wakened up the thunder and lightning =/

Work has been so tiring of late that I wish I had more time to laze around in the weekends. But it seems like every Saturday and Sunday is spent rushing between home and Redhill, or home and Balestier, then town. This might be the start of church fatigue =X It's not that I don't like church or going for worship prac. I just don't like travelling all that much. Especially when I have been squeezing with half of Singapore in the MRTs in the weekdays already.

Oh, that reminds me, just this morning when I was on the MRT on my way back, there was this man fiddling with his PDA and muttering, "spastic Singapore kids" when someone with a baby stroller went past him. What's with that?! Bloody Singapore adults! It's not as if you weren't a Singapore kid before you know. It's like saying you are spastic yourself. It's so insulting to spastic people and to our kids lorh. Tsk tsk. No wonder Singapore turned out to be so ungracious. We have such stuck up people.

Anyways, back to the topic of Mandarin pop. Did I mention that I have been hooked to Kenji Wu Ke Qun lately? He's really quite good. Plus the fact that his range is about the same as my one, so it's super easy to sing for me. Hahas..

It's funny, but I bought his Magik Great Hits CD when I was out with Chow and never got to listen to it and when I went for KBox with EQ, Ivan and Teckie, we actually sang some of his songs.. So it turned out to be the KBox that intro-ed me to him rather than the CD. Hmmmm.. And I love the yellow upright in the MV! A yellow upright for my birthday!! Hahas..

Okay. Take a listen to this song. It's what EQ sang in KBox. Ahem ahem. Thinking about Milan, no doubt.


不屑纪念 Bu Xie Ji Nian - Kenji Wu Ke Chun 吳克群

Friday, March 13, 2009

Plant lovers and Ikea goers.

Meet my lovely colleagues from Centre for Corporate Learning (CCL) holding their beloved plants newly purchased from Ikea =)

Just in case you were wondering, I am working in EDC@SMa, which is a fully owned subsidiary of Singapore Manufacturers' Federation (SMa), but is funded by SPRING Singapore. Yes, it's complicated. CCL is a division of SMa, just as EDC is another. It so happens that we share the same office at Level 8, but do completely different things, namely training and advisory consultancy respectively. Hmm.

Work has been mostly fun because my colleagues are funny people who joke all the time and make fun of each other. I wish I were funnier myself! Which is ironic, because I am supposedly very funny already. Pfft! Well, I'm a social retard amidst people I don't know well, I guess.

Anyways, the photo was taken because I happened to have a camera on hand in preparation for the Slumber Party tonight, and they happened to buy plants from Ikea to decorate their desks for reducing work stress. Hahas. Lucky them!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Allegiance Slumber Party!


Date: 13 March 09
Time: 8 p.m.
Location: CCC @ eCentre

Oh man!! It's just one more day to the Slumber Party!!!!

If you want to know how to deal with difficult people (people who keep calling to ask about things that they can easily find online! people who hog your computer!)

Want to have a wonderful session of worship!

Want to reminisce the times when we played board games!

Want to have fun with a bunch of young, like-minded people!

COME!

Monday, March 09, 2009

Stepping out.

Work seems to have taken away some motivation in my life. Struck by the monotony of doing the same things everyday, I feel lost as to what my true purpose is. Do I still have a goal?

With the announcement of the 'A' level results comes my last chance to try for Law. If I get it, it would be a wonderful bonus from God. Yet I have learnt from my work that staying in Business Admin can be relevant too. Especially in these trying times.

We will never now the future until we decide to step out and overcome the fear of the unknown the plagues us!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Darkness gathers.

These are unprecedented times we are facing. Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew made a forecast of -10% GDP for 2009. That was a downward revision from a -8% from PM Lee Hsien Loong announced just the day before. What does it say when the forecast changes every few days?

The EDC Conference held at Matrix@Biopolis today was a draining event. Somehow the atmosphere was darkened by the bleak explanations of sharp increases in inter-bank interest rates and how trade figures are dipping. Feedbacks from SMEs about how loans were difficult to obtain, and with equity even less conspicuous.

Somehow the Conference felt more like a forum for SMEs to vent their sorrows in the end, with the usual bashing of the policies that were formulated by SPRING. I cannot say that I disagree with all of them. Some of them had very valid viewpoints. I too, think that Singapore can tend to be too economically driven, to the extent that the social interests of the people are neglected. All too often we equate money and 'financial ability' with 'welfare', which certainly isn't the case.

Another argument heard was the feeling that Singaporeans don't feel special. That I disagreed with. Only now do I see that actually as citizens, we do have an advantage. There are so many government schemes that helps local SMEs, and so many schemes that bends towards citizens. If I were a foreign worker right now, I would probably be on a flight home.

The Chinese saying goes, "大难临头各自飞" or "The birds scatter when trouble strikes". How true! We see that in banks, we see that in businesses. Hopefully we will not see that in human behaviour as we go deeper into the darkness of the pit.

It was a depressing and tiring time. I pray we get out of this slump soon.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Shing!

Is the value we place on worldly things justified?

To think that an end to a scholarship will lead to a person ending his life. Would you kill if someone got on the wrong side of you? The professor seems to be very unlucky to have been at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Yet we are all slaves to our emotions. Like how I have reasoned for so many times but failed. How can we really know what we will do when we are pushed to the edge? Even before I typed this entry, my sister called me an idiot because her cookies got erased when I used her computer to do my iBanking. That was an emotional response. As is what the response I have for her in my head.

Ah. People are just like that. Animals at best.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Dry Thunder.

The master plan forms in my head as I think of where to escape to during my birthday. It's just a fantasy really. I know I will not save up enough money to go in the end. Even if I do, I don't think I can bear to blow it on air tickets! Now, how convenient it would be if I now discover that I have a distant uncle who just died and left an inheritance for me! Hahas..

Anyways, Operation Bep went quite awry today. We did manage to procure something, but it seems like finding out what the rest of the things would be will be quite concussing. That is why one should always have a wishlist in a very visible place. Like Facebook notes! Or set up a blog right now and tell everyone about it and have only one post titled: All I want this year.

Oh yes, I had new developments for my future start up. It will be at One Tree Hill and it's gonna be called The Pad @ One Tree Hill! And I realised that I don't need as big a place as I thought previously. Now all that's left is to go off to France for barista lessons when I turn 30. Hahas.. If I can come up with a new hybrid of coffee beans, maybe I can request for SEEDS funding from SPRING!

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Woebegone

I have been feeling increasingly unhappy these few days. It seems to be getting worse and I almost cried at church today. The most horrible feeling is that of having to act like everything is dandy when I feel like crap in fact. A close second is the feeling of helplessness of not knowing how to make things right. Not knowing how to make myself feel happy again.

You know, the most ridiculous thing is that I don't really know why I am feeling like that. If I were a girl I could explain it away as a simple case of hormonal imbalances during 'that time of the month'. If I were younger I could be emo. But here I am - old, past that age of innocence and angst, yet somehow mortally devastated.

I thought I was over the whole 'thing'. Everything was cool, and then suddenly something like that happens, and I wonder if I really know myself. When did I allow myself to get so.. wishy washy?

I need some perspective in all this. Or maybe I just need a memory eraser to wipe things clean. As the movie like to put it, "nothing good will come out of this". Argh.....


路小雨 Lu Xiao Yu - 不能说的秘密 Bu Neng Shuo De Mi Mi
 
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