Sunday, August 26, 2007

瞬间老化。

Life goes into overdrive; everything passes by so fast that everything looks still; a uniform blur.

I have grown so much the yesterday and today. In the blink of an eye.

The day started with the outing with Tan Long, Chow and Teckie as planned. We went to Tiong Bahru to have our breakfast at the famous porridge place which I don't remember the name of. The porridge was so-so... Hardly worth the distance we walked I think. But that was the first time in 10 years since I last ate pork porridge, so I guess it was a milestone =)

Words cannot express how glad I was to meet them again. It was a warmth from deep in my heart. It has been so long! I ended up discussing with Teckie about the themes running through Fight Club of the dangers of going to extremes and Nihilism. Which somehow led to Tolkien and themes of sub-creation, class discrimination and incest (Children of Hurin). Wah. I haven't used my brain in a long time. Hahas. Not in a discursive way, anyway.

We later went to Suntec City and then CitiLink and Raffles City, getting more and more tired every step of the way. No one slept well, I guess. Except Teckie that is. He was superrr energetic.

Anyway, we came across Starbucks while in Suntec, and they were only left with bucks and fee. See how capitalistic it is? "We want bucks and pay us fee!"
The shopping got really tiring because my feet were hurting, and I didn't sleep until 2+ a.m. the night before worrying about the tests I would have to do when I step back into Circwood. (I am still very worried, by the way!) But I guess I can't compare myself to Chow lah. He didn't sleep at all, but wasted his whole night in MOS. Literally.

We later had a nice little lunch/snack (according to Tan Long) at TCC in CitiLink as we (I) realised how tired we were of each other. Mainly 1 v.s. 3.

I guess when friends have been friends for a long time, we just take it for granted that someone will be the same way they are always. We think we know their "chao kuan" and so we start being evil to our friends because well, we are friends! But maybe we don't really know the circumstances ba? Why have we become so intolerant of each other?

Enough time wears down even the strongest foundations. You know, Jesus said "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." I think it's the same as friendships. The more I want to hold on to them, the more I will lose them. Yet I wasn't made to not care, and leave things be. I feel like I have to "water the plant" to have it grow. So what's the right way?

I went with Gracia, Conrad, Jun Kai at TPY after the outing. We had steamboat! Yeap.. all went to Gracia's place to makan. So in the end Wei Lun, Chai Kee, Yi Shin and Mark also came. That's virtually the whole team lorh! And I had a lot of fun. =)

I know I don't usually mention them, but KRT is super close to my heart. They're the only people I can say that I've been through failure and success, joy and sadness with together. And then there are the times when we rowed out for training and I would be whining about ahem and all. Hahas.. Those were the days. Wish I could relive them again!!

I might have neglected them abit eh? But seriously, Wei Lun is the best partner I can ever have, and Conrad and Gracia are about the weirdest and cutest couple I've ever seen. Hahas.. Just look at them!

By the way, if you were wondering, Conrad's laughing at Yishin because he's trying to hold in his shit. LOL!

Conrad, Gracia and I took a ride on Yishin's car to taunt the whole night after steamboat. And we went to eat at Tangshui at Thomson. Wah. Shiok. The long talk during steamboat was great too. I haven't talked so much for such a long time!! And university sounds reallyyyy fun from what Gracia is saying. I want to go leh!!

Anyway, having a car really rocks. We went all around lah. St James, Mt Faber, Dick Lee's house, Thomson... almost went to Changi. Hahas.. Superfun. I feel really tempted to go learn driving leh.. But aiyah. No money to buy car. =/

We have got to do this again soon... Training next week!

Maybe it's not how much time you spend together, but how you spend it that counts ba..

I feel so old. Like I finally realise the ideals that I had ever naivety on my part. And now the plate has hit the ground and shattered, and nothing can put it back together again.

Maybe I should take a step back and stop trying to hold the hand I never had.

Shit! Emo thought! Hahas.. That's actually good. Wah. This has been therapeutic. I feel much better now. =) Good luck to me for field camp!!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Just Do It

I wanted to blog about this, then I didn't want to. Then I thought I had to, because this is important. So, I'm just doing it.

Isn't it an amazing coincidence that I managed to find this advertisement online with a cross? How totally apt. Well, yes, I'm gonna be talking God.

You see, I bought this book, Chasing Daylight by Erwin Raphael McManus today. It's a book about seizing the moment, a book about "a call to live a life of blazing urgency". And this book really really spoke to me.

I've mentioned before that for the longest time, I had this complex that told me that others were better than me, and that I probably wouldn't be able to do much myself. I probably wouldn't be able to be a good keyboardist, for example. Well, that was the reason why I was drawn to this book. Because in the synopsis wrote, "We all have dreams... Why, then, do some of us realise our dreams and advance forward while others watch timidly from a distance and hope for a break?". Then I realised what it really was. Timidity.

What is stopping me from doing what I wanted to do? Something at the back of my head saying that maybe God doesn't want me to do this. Then the book read, "When we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions" (Psalms 37:4). And I was like, "wow. I have to buy this book." Later I learnt that even if this isn't what God wanted me to do, I'd be just making a mistake, which is okay. Because God would still have a plan for me, and nothing I can do will derail that, as long as I am in Him.

So far, there has been a revelation and spiritual release to me that I should Just Do It. Do whatever that I think is the right thing to do - that is after consideration. Because God puts thoughts and ideas in our heads for a reason. If it has come to you, perhaps it is because God wants you to act it out.

And so I did. I asked Tan Long and Chow if they would like to start a cell together because I felt it would benefit all of us, and I asked them to pray about it so that it wouldn't just be impulse on my part. I'm still waiting to hear the good news!

What is the Spirit saying to you today? Are you even aware of it? We need to realise when the Holy Spirit is speaking, and act upon it.

When you do a double-take in your mind next time, think. What is the best thing to do? From right and right, what is righter? And choose to do what you thought about. Act. Because you only live once. And God wants you to live life to the full (John 10:10) with the choices you have.

Friday, August 24, 2007

young wisdom.

There are some things that as a parent, you should never say.

When he comes home from a day out, don't ask "didn't they say anything about your face?" - implying, "wah.. your face so fu**ed up still go out arh?"

When he just recovered from chicken pox or when he has chicken pox, don't say "don't walk around, don't cough, go wear your shirt leh. What if the pox explodes and spreads to people?" - implying, "eh, don't spread to me hor!"

It's not that there should be barriers in a family. But you should know that what you say has effect. The bible says that "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose." in Proverbs 18:21.

Haix. What can I say?

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying.

Jerry Maguire was a good movie. "You complete me." That's really sweet! Hahas. Too bad I probaby would have no chance of saying the same thing to some girl =/

What really surprised me was Fight Club, actually. I downloaded this movie a long time ago, and watch the front part of it and then somehow deleted it. Today I got to see the whole film. Oh man oh man oh man!

The movie describes the rebellion of the blue-collar worker against the unthinking citizen who just expects everything to work out without ever thinking of the reason as to why. Why should we have good furniture? Do we really need phones that can do everything? It is story of going against society's grain, and really taking a step back to think of what we are evolving into as a whole. More frightening is the sheer power of brainwashing and the power of the little people you thought were insignificant such as waiters and bus drivers and policemen. The little people who work so that your life runs smoothly.

I really liked the twist as well. I never saw it coming. 4.5 stars! If you haven't watched it, you'd better go grab it man. No wonder it's a classic. Like. Wow! -thinks of Tan Long impersonating Debra Wilson impersonating Oprah-

Anyway, sadly for me, it didn't rain. So I didn't manage to get my swimming trip. Pretty much spent my day watching movies and eating egg sandwiches which I toasted in my pan. I found it pretty amusing that I was toasting on a pan. So cool! Hahas. Don't mind me. I love the occasional egg sandwich. It's just so tasty! And the egg has to be scrambled egg, not hard-boiled then diced. Those suck!

Recently, I've found myself becoming more inclined towards Business news and the Iraq war. Am I finally growing up? Hahas. The credit crisis is quite a frightening thing. Especially when all you hear is analysts saying that our economy is sound and will not go into a recession. Kinda makes you think if they're just preventing panic selling doesn't it? But then again, I think the worst is over, with Bernanke raising the fed rate, it seems like everything is slowly bouncing back. STI is up 49.41 points today! That's good news for us! I think the other markets are in the green too. So more hooray!

Okae, I must be crazy. Was I reporting financial news?

Yesterday saw Bush addressing veterans about staying the course in the 2nd Gulf War. (What's new?) I agree that they cannot pull out lah.. Not very responsible. But it's really American lives vs Iraqi lives isn't it? Sectarian violence is the shit. To be brutally honest, I think Iraq is becoming boring for everyone after 4 years. War was exciting when everyone believed in it, and when things were moving.. But it seems like Bush is in a quagmire and a really stale stagnant one. One word: sian. LPPL.

Sorry.. I just have this inexplicable desire to type alot suddenly. Product of ultimate boredom, no doubt.

Change of topic. Want to know a secret about me? I really wanted to be a musician. Not necessarily a commercial money earning one, but just someone who can play his piano, sing his songs and be very contented with being able to do that. Unfortunately, I'm also a person with a hidden and selective esteem issue. I'm so convinced that I won't be able to play well that I don't. See the vicious cycle? I think that I sing badly too becausee people say I sing badly. How loseristic is that? Where is that streak of (pardon the language) "fuck off, I lead my own life!!"?

And so we all live on without really thinking how we are leading this life. We blunder on, doing things we have to do. Serve NS, study, work in Fuji Xerox, sit at home blogging and rotting. What would I say when I read this next year, 5 years later, ten years on? Would I still be like this? I hope not.

Yet there's something beautiful in each moment. I was just commenting that I realised how much I loved JC life. Only now. How crappily stupid is that? Too late. But hey, that's the beauty of it all. Like I once wrote, "Memories are not things that we can lock in pictures. They stay in our heads and eat at us." But hey, without knowing the our past, how can we face our future with conviction?

Okae, I should get back to my Qiu Lian Ban Mian.

Remember the booby zi cah auntie at S11?

Road Trip!

Guess what I just did? I stepped out of the house! Wah... that's wonderffullll news after so long of staying indoors. I am serious when I say that the grass looks greener. Man.

And guess what I bought? JERRY MAGUIRE! and FIGHT CLUB! Hohoho.. Given, I didn't go to HMV as I said I wanted to, but hey, I still got the movie! In fact, I'm watching it right now. Muahahahahahas.

Hmm. I'm feeling like exercising. But I still haven't went swimming yet. The sky looks really gloomy. Whyyy..

I hope it rains and then the sky would clear =)

Twitter and Tones.


is so cool.

Yes, I am slow..

So anyway, I've added it on my blog so I can just send in random thoughts anywhere anytime! Mr Brown is so smart. Hahas.

Oh, and I downloaded (PAID!) for a stupid ringtone for my phone only to realise that I have a 3G contract, and that does not include GPRS, hence rendering the ringtone useless for my non-3G but GPRS phone. Ha.

And I am still not sleeping yet.

Bleah.

Oh, this is the 201st post! Happy 201, blog!

You Had Me At Hello.

I am so going to run down to HMV to buy Jerry Maguire! I am in need of some feel good movie in my life. Hahas.

Haix. I am so love-crazed.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Rising from the Ashes.

I decided to put a chow-like entry title on a whim. Hahas.

But as the title suggests, I am fully, miraculously, and wonderfully healed! Thanks be to God =)

I can't wait to get out of the house! These few days have been really boring. Like Primetime Morning, the Sims 2, stir-fried fish and vegetables boring. I have decided to sneak out to infect the peoples of Yishun Swimming Pool early tomorrow morning. Muahahahahas.. That's if I wake up in time...

Don't know why, but I seem to be feeling really cheery today. Hmm. Maybe because Feanor and Marisa gave birth to a baby girl? Or because Feanor became Mayor? Eh.. I found that I couldn't get the reward for getting to the top of Politics career for Feanor leh. Is there some cap? Like because I've already had two machines, so I cannot get the podium? =/ Anyways, can't wait for Lorien to grow up. Hahas.

Hmm. I hoped to chat with some people online today, but it seems like no one's around! Guess I'd go back to playing the Sims..

Can't wait for Saturday to come =)

Monday, August 20, 2007

简单的一天

由于因为一整天都在看着韩剧,所以不由自主地也变得一点 emo。

剧里有这一句令我非常地深刻:

到底爱情是怎么而来的呢?
是在看不见对方就不停地想着
那就是爱情吗?

爱情是怎么而来的呢?
是看见了对方就有说不出的开心
是在对方存在时时间失去意义
那就是爱情吗?

爱情是怎么而来的呢?
是失去了后回首心里不断阵痛
那就是爱情吗?

爱情是怎么而来的呢?


我自己也搞不懂耶。曾经认为是用心去爱一个人,但事实似乎比较复杂。

我也想幸福!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Church.

This is the first time in a long time that I have not gone to church. Let's not count the times when I had guard duty, of course..

When I was in KKMC, I loved the people and I loved the ambience. I was passionate about God because He was new to me, like a strange cute thing I suddenly had. But I can't say I knew God. I wrote lots of notes during sermon, yes, but I wasn't really listening to Rev Chiang or Rev Kang. It was a sweet time, when I was young and I had new friends. Fellowship, but in retrospect, perhaps not so much with the presence of God.

Then I came to CCC. I must say I didn't like the people as much here at first. They were too friendly. In an uncomfortable way. But they loved God, they had passion for God. And I caught it along the way. Even though I used to skip church in KKMC, due to any number of reasons including my dad's objections, I began to go to church every Sunday in CCC. It's a strange thing - the encumbrances just disappeared.

As I grew there, I saw that CCC people are warm and kind, even though there are the disapproving looks that I sometimes feel. Where else would I rather be?

I wonder if Dr Khoo would be talking about his friend which he miraculously unhated today, or maybe about LJT, or about suddenly having an insatiable hunger for God's Word. Hahas. And what songs of worship would they be singing? And I wonder what they are having for refreshments!

Hmm. Too bad I have chicken pox.
Yes. I'm really bored.

Got this from Raymond's defunct blog..



It's a Personality DNA thingie.. go try it! Won't say it's very accurate.. but it might be for you.

Anyway, here's my result.

My True Friend.

I was feeling bored, so I went blog-surfing. And I found this right here. It's really cute, something like an online trac telling you about God. With really good music I would say..

If I am not misinformed due to assumption, (remember, assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups!) it's made by Galvin.

Yeap. Go take a look, whether you are Christian or not.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Chicken Pox Chronicles

Oh my. I was just about to yell right at this little space here because someone told someone's boyfriend that yours truly has a chicken pox on his nipple. And because I've been holed up in my room for the past six days feeling like living hell over these little red what-nots that do not itch but just make people look fugly. But you know what? I'm not gonna!

Instead, I'm gonna say that I realised how funny my blog was in the past! I was soo bitchy. Hahas.. I was just flipping through the archives trying to find my long lost poem: Venti Mocha Frap to put on my deviantART account. Some of the designs were really outrageous! I think I only put them up because I knew no one read my blog. A purple background with 3 self-portraits?! What was I thinking?

As I read on, I thought to myself, "how did I get so lost?" That was me. This is not me. Or maybe it's both me. I seem more happy then. Was I? Seems like the past always looks more rosy eh?

Anything is better than chicken pox I guess! Hahas..

I seem to have lost my drive lately. Lost my friends too. Sometimes God does the one thing you dread the most because He knows that you will learn from that. That's why I never hold on to many more friends than the main clique. But thank God for them.

You know, I was really upset that Tan Long decided not to visit because everyone else pang seh-ed. It wasn't a good enough reason. He promised, and there used to be an age long past when promises were kept. It's no fun staying at home watching yourself rot. Don't let my 'hahas' fool you. I am still disappointed. Oh well.

I think this is God's way of telling me not to be fatalistic and cynical, but still keep my sharp edge. So no, you are not going to see me being Mr Nice anymore. I'd just say what I want to say - again. =)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I HAVE GOT THE POX.

Not the Small kind, but the pheasant variety.

A terrible time to fall sick, really.. I expected myself to be stronger. Shame on you, Mr Suan! Now it's almost a done deal that I would have to give AHM a miss. F___.

My brother has just fled to my grandma's place. I'm so feeling the love man. My mother is over-obsessing over the fact that I should not bathe so that I don't burst anything. She actually expects me to eat porridge and not bathe for 7 days!! What?! To her credit, at least she's not moving away.

Just in case someone wonders how I feel, I am feeling really lovely with my face ridden with red dots. Thank you Channel 8 for the wonderful programme 爱上小红点 made just to provide the right amount of irony in my life. Ha. Appreciate it!

Argh. I could use a movie. But I can't! Because I will infect everyone, won't I? Pox is such a mega bitch. Argh!!!!!!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

No disrespect to Mr Douglas Adams. I'm afraid this post has nothing to do with hitchhikers, nor tea-time. Well. It's just about the shadow I feel weighing in on my soul. Alliteration! Not.

It's about time I picked myself up from my fucked-up frame of mind that I've been in since the start of July.

I know I probably look normal on the outside - I really am normally. But it's those glimpses, flashes, when I start to think convoluted thoughts in my mind when everything gets headachey and well - convoluted. Yes, you see a vicious cycle there.

The thing is I've been operating in "off-balance" mode these past month(s). I used to be able to rant and to say off my mind because there was actually someone there to listen to me. But right now, Circwood is not a very good place to be emo. I never knew the importance of a simple DotA/talk cock session until now. I miss the clique! Where are you guys? Is this the end?

This post was supposed to target a specific Foolish Thought when it formed in my head. But I guess it has evolved a little eh? The important thing is, I want to say here that I will, from now on, cease to think this Foolish Thought and focus on what is here and now, in Singapore. Like Circwood. Like my friends. Like getting my keyboard skills right. Like photography. Like GOD.

God spoke so much to me today. He said "you can do anything you set your mind to". He also said to put "holiness before happiness". Perhaps the time really is not right yet. Nothing I do will change what God has set in place for me. I just want to follow God now and see where He leads me to. Like really, without reserve. Because I know there's a better place for me.

That means not judging certain people in Circwood, like Mr Notibut, and really going back to obeying authority, and doing the best I can in everything.

Pray for me?

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Now playing: Hillsong - There Is Nothing Like
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Oh has it been a hectic few weeks! I haven't seen my friends for so long.. I miss them like crazy.

Where's Tan Long, Rich, Jun Yuan, Ivan, Enqing, Teckie, Chow? I so need to go out with them!!

I guess Pro term is really so jam-packed with activities that it's hard to make time for many things. The fact that we are recce-ing almost every Saturday for the ideal ballroom doesn't help matters. And then there's my commitment to church. That has to stay..

Where did all my free time go to?

I miss so many people right now.. HAIX. I wanna go back to JC!! *whine*whine*

Life in Circwood is getting better. Thanks to God, I no longer feel the strife. I just leave it all up to Him. But things to learn are increasing, and time to learn is decreasing. Now is the right time to scream for Elysium man! Hahas.

Anyway, it's that time of the year again whererby there are consecutive birthdays. Soo... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PAMELA!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SHUYING!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER!!
Many happy returns to all of you, and may all your birthday wishes come true. God bless!

I'm feeling really tired from the 12km I ran this morning.. so I think I will just go to sleep. Hope I get to see you guys really soon!

Especially.. nevermind.
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Now playing: 周杰倫 - 晴天
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Mannequin Reality

I have become so adept at hiding my feelings that it scares me a little.

When did I begin to do this? I used to be brave and even proud to have feelings unlike the typical dude. It was what drove me to be wild and out of the box and loud-mouthed.

So much has changed since years back when I used to trumpet the ideals of true love and bliss like it would be the best ice-cream that you've ever had.

The world has changed since then, and I too have changed since then.

Divorces are now common unlike only a few years back. Hurts are more real. Things seem more unsalvageable than ever, a quagmire one can never escape from. Differences. Considerations. Impossibilities.

I dare not be that brave anymore. Dreams are meant to stay as dreams, a fantasy never to be fulfilled. Hasn't experience shown enough? My mentality is slowly morphing to become like someone's whom once disagreed with. Why bloody your heart when you can protect it with a layer of stone?

Yet does this emptiness hurt more? The ability to be a hypocrite is both a blessing and a bane. I used to hate hypocrites, yet now I cannot deny that I am one myself. What would you have me do? To show would reap nothing but an answer I have a concept about. A dread which I don't want yet to grasp. I'd rather not know, even if I know I know.

Life goes on, with blood dripping still from stone. As if it could have had any difference what heart was made of! I know the way out; the band-aid which I can apply on the cut, yet I desist. Sick self mutilating crazy person.

I'm just feeling emo. Snap out of it.

What Is Real / Just A Dream

There isn't enough time! Homework from Circwood is threatening to swallow me up. Urgh.

This past week had been fun. We had an Exercise from which I took this photograph. Beautiful isn't it? =) It was cool to have a chauffeur for a day. Stressful yes, but fun nonetheless.

To not talk about what I cannot talk about, I shall digress.

Well, I went for Youth Group today and got a word from God. He convicted me of what I was feeling towards Charles. Basically I hate his guts. He's too much like my father - conceited and self-righteous. Despite how I felt, I should not have attempted to gossip about him. I shouldn't even 'hate' him, I guess. He really was just acting like how he normally is. I shall try to moderate my feelings, Lord willing. I sense however that this is linked to something more deeply rooted in my life though, and that might take more to overcome...

Anyway! We had a second round of recce today, where the Rocky Hill Mess'ers went to Raffles Hotel to take a proper look at the East India Room and the Ballroom. I really like Raffles, but the date offered and the price seemed a little off. We went also to Equinox. The Private Dining Room was ill-maintained but I cannot deny the fact that the view was out of this world. Wish I had photographs, but Zhimin has all of them. Hahas. If I were to espouse in the future, Equinox would be where I would bring Mrs Wen =)

The recce was short, and we had our lunch at Suntec. Well, nothing much from then on until Youth Group, which of course, has been covered.

One thing I want to work on this next week would be effective communication with other people, and really respecting and obeying authorities in my life both in Circwood and in other situations. Yeap.. That shall be my goal for the week!
 
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