Wednesday, December 27, 2006

poof!

I just lost myself a friend.

From now on, you are not a friend.


I think it's for the best. I hate my nerves being gotten on and a line was crossed. Too bad. In all my 18 years, I never once disowned a friend. Looks like there's always a first.

Hahas.. in my mind floats a couple of reality tv phrases "get the hell outta my office", "you're fired", "the tribe has spoken"... but really. This is for the best. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I shall not be trampled upon. I tried all I can. There's no saving this.. so really.. too bad.

"You're the weakest link! Good-bye."

I'd probably miss you, my friend. But I hope I don't ever have to. Sayonara.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

merry christmas and a happy new year!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

May we all remember that Christ died for us so that we are free from sins this season =)

My Christmas was a period reflection. As the dust settles and JC life becomes a memory, I begin to realise how difficult it is to sustain relationships. Or easy.. Either way, it takes two to clap. I'm so tired of raising my hand and never getting the other. But that's alright. I am not as prone to these things anymore.

God gave me a special revelation last Sunday which I thought I should write down before I forgot: We are free from sin. That means all the fear that we have of committing sins, all the guilt, whatnot, are totally irrelevant and silly. We are already redeemed. What sin we are going to commit are already forgiven. And it's because of this grace that we should not sin anymore, because sin grieves God. So not sinning is an act of thanksgiving. Hmm..

I just never really saw it that way. I did, but I didn't... Hmm. Okae, it's difficult to get. But thank God! If no one loves me, at least He does. But I know that everyone loves me! Hahas.. =)

Well.. I have nothing much to say. I wish you all a great year ahead, and no days of boredom!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Return of the King

I'm back people! Hehs..

I was going to blog about Bangkok and Pattaya.. but man, I feel lazy. Don't think I will blog about it ever. I shall keep my experiences as my own =P See first ba...

Friday, December 15, 2006

Flying Away..

I'd rather you not read this. It's really long. And it's just for myself.

Hello. It's been a long time. It's going to be a longer time for now.

I just came back from Port Dickson on Wednesday night. Tonight would be the first night I'm back home. I'm flying off to Bangkok tomorrow.

It doesn't add up, you say.. That's because I spent two nights at The Amara with Mum and Sis. We get free stays for the maintenance we pay. Isn't that cool. It was. I got to go to VivoCity with Ma and Bro yesterday and then to Sentosa with Ma today.

Hahas.. Sentosa was nice. We took a ride on the Carlsberg Tower to see how horrid Port Singapore and Sentosa appeared to the heathens. Apparently oil refineries and containers count as one of our attractions.

The Images of Singapore brought back long forgotten childhood memories. We were there very long ago, before primary school, even.. and I remembered the square where all the different weddings of the different ethnic groups were displayed together. Nothing seems to have changed much. Hahas..

We quit Sentosa after that. We decided that everything cost too much money to see. Being a local tourist then, I thought foreign tourists were stupid. Then it occurred to me that I just returned from being a tourist to Malaysia where I bought overpriced goodies and I am about to go to Thailand for overpriced food, clothes, imitation goods etc.. I'd better conserve some karma. Hahas..

Let me talk a little about Port Dickson.

It was a welcome distraction from all the angst of parting with my friends in JC. Right now, that's already a distant memory; a fact that I know I have to accept. I always found it fascinating how everyone moves on faster than me. It's just so much easier for everyone else to lose friends. Perhaps they convince themselves otherwise. Maybe we will all stay the same. Haha. We all know we won't. In a few months, we wouldn't meet up no more. It's all the same. Look at 6B. Look at Quetin. Thank God for BBCDC: the exception. Sorry that I am such a glass-is-half-empty and exit-not-entrance (hahas) person.

Oh, I am just saying all these because I am inferior and upset. No one bade me bon voyage on this trip. No one probably misses me much. It's much easier for them to move on than me. I can't. Perhaps this is a good time to blame my dad.

I used to believe that there's no such thing as your childhood affecting the way you behave. There has always been a self-consciousness that I thought could veto whatever feeling or thoughts I had. Conscience? Something more I guess. Awareness. More and more, I've come to know that that alone is not enough. One needs the will too. And that, is nurtured. Maybe it's because for the better part of my childhood days, my dad wasn't really there, and I always had to substitute something with it? Or maybe it's because my parents were never the people to hug us, to say that they loved us, to show on their faces that they were proud of us. Maybe all of that. Is that why I am what I am today?

What am I today? I have no clear concept. Apparently, I am fun loving, and I am jovial, and I am cheery. I am all that. Yet I am not. Argh. Thank God for all our complexities.

I just really want a hug or an sms of concern now and then. Try not to bitch me too much, try not to hurt me too much.. Cos it's very easy to do that without you knowing it. Yet that's too much to ask. Hahas.. no matter. What's the use of being so emo? I can live life my way, feeling the concrete on my feet, watching the sky covering my head. I have no need of people's care. I am a fortress!

Oh!! My Anata is playing on iTunes now! Hahas.. remember the kBox?

三更半夜 SAVISH的我
只聽見OJISAN騎著單車賣著饅頭
YOJI HAN DESU 你究竟在哪裡
難道你又是在KURABU唱著NAKASHI喲

哦 不知道你 還愛不愛我
我哪裡做錯 請你快告訴我
我打不還手 我罵不還口
只要你說一聲AISHITTERU 別說SAYONARA
BAKA

HITORI DE 孤苦伶仃的我
苦等著ANATA兩年三個月沒有消息
哦 快要發瘋 我聽到門鈴聲
SUMIMASEN宅急便說他要找的在隔壁

哦 我懷疑你 已經不愛我
想要離開我 我求你不要走
我為你減肥 我為你喝醉
請不要說你已不愛我 親愛的ANATA

ANATA ANATA
OH PLEASE DON'T GO
NO NO OH NO NO
OH NO NO NO
OH YEAH

我要你知道 我永遠愛你 YEA
如果失去你 我就活不下去
我們最MATCH 我不會怪你
因為有一天你會看見我爬出電視機

Anyway, about Port Dickson. I really experienced the reality of the Holy Spirit, and God. I actually teared when Hsia Pin was praying for me. It was as if God was calling me to Him, calling for me to be restored to Him. I thought I smelled fragrance, but I kept thinking that maybe it was the smell of the function room or some perfume. I'm not one to be uber spiritual, but God really touched me there.

It was a realisation that God could really take my 'stuff' away. Just make them not matter anymore. All the baggage and emo-shit. Now I know the gentleness and power of the Holy Spirit.

The camp itself was fun too. We had lots of fun playing Chng Chng Chng. I'm glad everyone liked it. Thank Chee Kit for thinking of putting it in! The scenery in the hotel was great too. We overlooked the sea and there was a neverending horizon, with a beautiful sunset. I caught myself wishing someone was there with me to share the sunset. But I know it is quite impossible. Everything's wrong. Someone explain to me why people like the people they like without having any reason whatsoever.

It's funny how the people I like never like me back. Hahas.. But that's okay. Because I'm the best person I can be. I always try to be that. I know I have been failing these few years because irritation overtakes me. But really. I try. But hey, even if you don't like me back, at least accept my kindness so I don't feel so crappy. Hm.

By the way, today's the last day of my piano lesson too. I had to quit for NS. I don't want to really.. Like I said before, I'm not good at goodbyes. I hate it when everything degenerates down to a passing 'hi' on the streets when we see each other, or failed attempts at small talk, or even complete memory lapse of the existence of the person. I never want me to be that kind of person. I'd hate myself. I don't know how to feel about not having piano lessons anymore, really..

How long has it been? 5 years? Half a decade! How can things just end like that? I actually started lessons because of some silly reason which I will not say.. but then I really began to enjoy it. I began seeing myself playing the piano when I grow really old, with my wife listening in a small living room, just enjoying each other's presence and the music. Hahas..

Then I came to the realisation a few months back that maybe I just don't have the gift of music. I'm not like Chee Keen or Chee Kit. Or even Timothy. They can pick up the instrument and play like that. I can't. I get scared. I don't know what to do. The sound I make sucks. Ms Goh would agree, I think..

But I really love it. Music. What am I going to do without piano lessons?

Oh.. there's just one more thing I want to write about. It's something that has started to take over my life, and I've decided to take control of the situation. So I shall start a countdown to how many days I have stopped doing that thing starting from today. DAY ZERO! God willing, I will get rid of it!

Alright. I think that's all I have to say for now. Wish me luck for my journey tomorrow? Hahas. I know you won't =P

Friday, December 08, 2006

there are a million things i want to write but can't. damn. this blog is pretty useless, don't you think? argh. not that saying anything to myself ever helped anything. i want to stop time! i want to live in one split second. but i know i am crapping. damn it.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

prom.

I know every sane guy out there would be raving about prom and how great it was. Unfortunately, I won't be doing that. I'm just not very good at goodbyes. I can't believe this is all we can muster up as an au revoir to 2 years of our lives. This sucks.

I will miss a lot of people.. People I've come to love, people I've gotten used to. That's all gonna be taken away from me. I wake up every day realising that I won't ever have to go to school again until University, and something eats at me. My mum keep asking me to get home early, but I don't really see the point. What do I do? What can I do?

It sucks to be me. I wish I were one of those ravers. 'Prom was fun! The Hustle rocked and Errol and Huixin totally deserved King and Queen! Woot!' Right. Like it even matters. Maybe that's why I didn't take a camera with me. Memories are not things that we can lock in pictures. They stay in our heads and eat at us.. I hate them. Maybe that's why old people have to die. Too many memories and pain. Argh.

Yet another depressing entry.

But I really thank God for all my classmates. Love them to bits. You really can't find such goodwill anywhere in the world. Or talent. We have breakers, dancers, flier, photographers, dragonboaters, kayaker, goths, runners, chess players.. Hahas.. If Singapore weren't all about studying... maybe we would have been closer friends.

I will miss some more than others.. What am I going to do?!
It's over.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The fire of the Doha Games ignites with a dash to the cauldron on a horse. How perfectly dramatic. I wonder who else is watching this opening ceremony at this time. I can't sleep.

I don't think I actually thought about what I would do after the A levels. Now that it's here, I'm paying for my lack of plans, and perhaps my lack of diversity of friends. The past few days were spent with the BBCDC gang k-boxing and swimming and gymming and sentosa-ing. Then there were the shopping outings with the class and Jamie's birthday celebration which was not as I wanted. No matter.

Right now, I have nothing much else to do. How pathetic! I am actually glad that I am going to Port Dickson and Bangkok. Else, I would have nothing to do and start turning ghoulish. It's horrendous to listen to oneself, really. That's why we should all have many friends and go out more. Staying home drives me crazy. Somehow TV is just so degenerative nowadays and not being able to talk with others just bores the hell out of me.

Speaking of PD, I actually still have game plans to type out by Sunday. Tomorrow (or later today, actually) then! Hope they stand up to the test and everything is fun in M'sia.. I'm really looking forward to it!

It crossed my mind a couple of times that I might just die from a landslide on my way to either country. I guess it's got to do with the idea that I will not see a lot of my friends from now on, with NS and all. Don't think I would be able to meet Xi Xun again. She's not free at all this holiday, so I guess I'd just have to leave it at that. S6A too.. The girls would be schooling or even working by the time we come out of the army.. I don't know if I'd meet them again. Hm. I guess I would have to get use to it - the purposelessness and friendlessness.

Oh, I sold my phone. Now I have money again to buy my prom stuff. I hope it turns out great! It'd better.. that would be the official last day.

Alright. Shan't depress myself no more. I'm off!
 
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