Thursday, July 29, 2010

Disenchantment.

Rag is officially ONE WEEK away! TYL was griping about how we effectively only have 4 days left of full work before we hit D-Day. It's probably a bad time for me to be feeling what I am feeling, but somehow I have been lacking the motivation to work. I just don't know why I am here anymore.

I want to watch movies. I want to go out. I want to talk to my girlfriend properly and solve our problem. Hell, I don't even mind studying now.

Well, hope that tomorrow (or later) will be a better day...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So I didn't get my MKT2401. Wow. The ducks are all lining up in a row for me now, aren't they? FML.

Crushing my bubble.

Today I received almost complete confirmation that I did not get the Study Award. I applied for it earlier on, hoping that I might have a chance at it. Sadly I let my expectations build up along the way as well. I guess I thought I did more than the average Bizader for the school, and that I had enough community service in my resume as compared to others. I never did think or rather, I guess I forgot, that CAP is KING.

Suddenly everything that I am doing is put into question. Why am I slogging at Rag when I know that there are next to nothing returns? Sometimes it's hard to hold on to idealism when all I see is others thriving while I suffer for being altruistic. Is it really better to play the world's game? The sad thing is that no one really understands and I seem like a stupid ass who is too rigid for my own good.

I should have listened to myself. Expectations only bring about disappointments.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sian.

Today was tiring and I got sian while doing Rag halfway. I have no explanation why.. I guess it's really Monday blues like Kai Li said.

Anyways, we aren't talking because I ate a butterfly bun. LOL I guess I just eat when I feel shitty. Think it might be the genes in the family.. And now I am doing guard duty alone. It's just as well I guess. I need some time to myself to emo away. I wish Rag would end soon...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Weekends FTW!

Finally a longer weekend away from Rag!

I managed to get Ms Goh to play the piano for the lesson instead of me, since I was late by about half an hour. I think she sort of appreciated it too cos she was saying that she haven't played the piano in a long time and teaching piano just killed the desire to even want to do that. Hopefully I rekindled some of that!

I caught up on some sleep after piano and then went on to meet Wei Lun and Gracia at Holland V. We had Everything with Fries, which was not bad, but not very fantastic either. It is a novel concept and I would probably bring Kai Li there some time =) It was actually great hanging out again with them and just catching up with life. Gracia had a great time at Europe it seems, and I can't wait til when I get to Maastricht myself!

When we finally exhausted the possibilities of Holland V, I decided to go meet Kai Li and since Gracia and Wei Lun wanted to meet her, it was just as well. I realised that I really miss my car when I sat in Wei Lun's car. Too bad eh? What's done is done.

Anyways! When we finally met at Bugis, we had no idea what to do because the whole place was closed anyways and somehow Gracia had asked Yi Shin out too. To cut the long story short, we ended up at Starbucks in PS and Jun Kai joined us later. Lots of scandals flying around and for a moment it felt like no time had passed since JC =)

And suddenly the day had come to an end and Jun Kai sent Kai Li and I home... NICE.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Home Sweet Home.

I finally went home after 3 days of guard duty at the Ragsite. To be very frank, there wasn't much to guard since there was virtually no one in school during the weekends. I guess the only accomplishment was the painting of the plates and the cutting of cans. I should really talk to TYL about abolishing the guard duty...

Anyways, I never thought I would say this, but being home was good. I even tweeted about this! But I really have to say it again. I feel properly clean for once since a long time, and I got my hair cut, my nails trimmed, and my earwax dug. Shioks!

Besides all that, it was nice to have lunch with Ma too. I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder yeah?

I also went down for the BB parade today since I am helping out with Annual Parade. It's a weird feeling to go back as always, revisiting the past. I see so many memories and lament their loss. Sometimes I really wish I were a person who kept in touch more with others. Now I kind of feel lost in time, with almost no other friends bar JEDIT. Time to make an attempt to talk to my old friends again!!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm doing guard duty for Rag tonight. I took it on because I know it's unfair for anyone else to have to ta duty as a result of my ill planning I guess. Also because I know that everyone has been feeling shitty during Rag, and this is my form of welfare to them.

Frankly I don't mind having to stay in school, bar the fact that I have to sacrifice the time I have with my friends. I miss JEDIT like crazy, and it's insane how we still can't seem to find a common time to meet up when the holidays are less than a month to ending.. With everyone flying away next semester or next year, I think it would be a long long time before we would get to meet up again.

Anyways, the point is, when all the busyness is over, when everyone has left for home, when all the mahjong games and DotA has been played, I am feeling this feeling of solemnity. It's a feeling of all things crashing down on me in waves. Not in a bad way per se, but more of a quiet way.. Tsk. It's difficult to describe.

Rag has been a neverending list of things to do, making it so difficult to have some time to myself to just collect my thoughts and emotions. Relationships are difficult to manage but I am just glad that we are a bunch of nice people who are seriously just doing all we can for Bschool pride =) That means that even when there are minor conflicts, we are all willing to put aside our differences to make Rag work.

Another week is coming. JIAYOU EVERYONE!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Randomness.

It’s been a long time since last wrote a real blog entry. A really cathartic one that records how I have been feeling throughout the day. There are innumerable reasons as to why this is so, but I can think of a few off my head right now.

One of which would have to be the lack of time to just sit in front of my desk to type everything out. Life nowadays has been reduced to a pitiable routine of waking up, working for Rag, eating, working some more, then sleeping once again. It sucks that I don’t even have time to hang out with friends who have come back from overseas. I haven’t seen Ivan yet!!! And he’s been back for like. 2 weeks?

Another reason would be that I no longer see the need to rant about my life. Not that there’s nothing happening for me to vent about, but I think I have finally learnt how to better modulate my feelings. You know I think having someone to share your life really helps. It sort of puts things into perspective, and you see what thing are more important, and what others are merely mindless banter and gossip that doesn’t edify anyone who involves himself in it.

That said, I do miss the times where I just come here and let out a barrage of words to either show or hide my inner thoughts. I think writing is a good habit that I do not want to lose. So here’s a promise to myself. However small some things may be, I shall make it a point to write them down here =) Of course, with adequate sensibility and sensitivity =) And let’s see where that takes us, shan’t we?

Until next time, adieu!

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Slacking for a few moments at Rag Site before I go help out the Structures team. Much of Rag has been mindless working and then sleeping and then waking up all over again to the same routine. Yet it's not boring at all. I think we are still having fun so far and frankly, I hope that fabled "stress causes fissures" talk doesn't ever come to fruition.

I am missing my friends. I feel like I am in isolation here because all we see are Raggers. We haven't had a decent JEDIT outing for so long!!!! And I haven't seen my JC friends in so long. Somehow this holidays haven't been panning out like the others. I feel so much more insular this year. =/

But hey, if I don't think so much about it, like what I normally do, it's alright =)

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Doubts.

A heavy downpour on a Saturday morning. I sit without much aim in a gigantic white tent. And I think to myself...

Have you ever thought about what you could do with your life? I don't mean saving the earth or helping others. None of that heroish stuff. I mean something more selfish. What you want to do WITH your life. What kind of things to go into, what career path to take, how many kids to bear. Those stuff.

Well, if you are anything like me, you would have.

Now, what if what you think you know is actually a lot less, or different from what you actually know? What if the skills that you think you have is or the attributes that you possess is not enough to get you from Point Alpha to Point Omega?

I am so tempted to say, "Just Believe." But I guess it hardly works that way, does it? Truth is, we will never ever know until we reach the end (or not). And that's scary.
 
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