Wednesday, December 27, 2006

poof!

I just lost myself a friend.

From now on, you are not a friend.


I think it's for the best. I hate my nerves being gotten on and a line was crossed. Too bad. In all my 18 years, I never once disowned a friend. Looks like there's always a first.

Hahas.. in my mind floats a couple of reality tv phrases "get the hell outta my office", "you're fired", "the tribe has spoken"... but really. This is for the best. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I shall not be trampled upon. I tried all I can. There's no saving this.. so really.. too bad.

"You're the weakest link! Good-bye."

I'd probably miss you, my friend. But I hope I don't ever have to. Sayonara.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

merry christmas and a happy new year!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

May we all remember that Christ died for us so that we are free from sins this season =)

My Christmas was a period reflection. As the dust settles and JC life becomes a memory, I begin to realise how difficult it is to sustain relationships. Or easy.. Either way, it takes two to clap. I'm so tired of raising my hand and never getting the other. But that's alright. I am not as prone to these things anymore.

God gave me a special revelation last Sunday which I thought I should write down before I forgot: We are free from sin. That means all the fear that we have of committing sins, all the guilt, whatnot, are totally irrelevant and silly. We are already redeemed. What sin we are going to commit are already forgiven. And it's because of this grace that we should not sin anymore, because sin grieves God. So not sinning is an act of thanksgiving. Hmm..

I just never really saw it that way. I did, but I didn't... Hmm. Okae, it's difficult to get. But thank God! If no one loves me, at least He does. But I know that everyone loves me! Hahas.. =)

Well.. I have nothing much to say. I wish you all a great year ahead, and no days of boredom!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Return of the King

I'm back people! Hehs..

I was going to blog about Bangkok and Pattaya.. but man, I feel lazy. Don't think I will blog about it ever. I shall keep my experiences as my own =P See first ba...

Friday, December 15, 2006

Flying Away..

I'd rather you not read this. It's really long. And it's just for myself.

Hello. It's been a long time. It's going to be a longer time for now.

I just came back from Port Dickson on Wednesday night. Tonight would be the first night I'm back home. I'm flying off to Bangkok tomorrow.

It doesn't add up, you say.. That's because I spent two nights at The Amara with Mum and Sis. We get free stays for the maintenance we pay. Isn't that cool. It was. I got to go to VivoCity with Ma and Bro yesterday and then to Sentosa with Ma today.

Hahas.. Sentosa was nice. We took a ride on the Carlsberg Tower to see how horrid Port Singapore and Sentosa appeared to the heathens. Apparently oil refineries and containers count as one of our attractions.

The Images of Singapore brought back long forgotten childhood memories. We were there very long ago, before primary school, even.. and I remembered the square where all the different weddings of the different ethnic groups were displayed together. Nothing seems to have changed much. Hahas..

We quit Sentosa after that. We decided that everything cost too much money to see. Being a local tourist then, I thought foreign tourists were stupid. Then it occurred to me that I just returned from being a tourist to Malaysia where I bought overpriced goodies and I am about to go to Thailand for overpriced food, clothes, imitation goods etc.. I'd better conserve some karma. Hahas..

Let me talk a little about Port Dickson.

It was a welcome distraction from all the angst of parting with my friends in JC. Right now, that's already a distant memory; a fact that I know I have to accept. I always found it fascinating how everyone moves on faster than me. It's just so much easier for everyone else to lose friends. Perhaps they convince themselves otherwise. Maybe we will all stay the same. Haha. We all know we won't. In a few months, we wouldn't meet up no more. It's all the same. Look at 6B. Look at Quetin. Thank God for BBCDC: the exception. Sorry that I am such a glass-is-half-empty and exit-not-entrance (hahas) person.

Oh, I am just saying all these because I am inferior and upset. No one bade me bon voyage on this trip. No one probably misses me much. It's much easier for them to move on than me. I can't. Perhaps this is a good time to blame my dad.

I used to believe that there's no such thing as your childhood affecting the way you behave. There has always been a self-consciousness that I thought could veto whatever feeling or thoughts I had. Conscience? Something more I guess. Awareness. More and more, I've come to know that that alone is not enough. One needs the will too. And that, is nurtured. Maybe it's because for the better part of my childhood days, my dad wasn't really there, and I always had to substitute something with it? Or maybe it's because my parents were never the people to hug us, to say that they loved us, to show on their faces that they were proud of us. Maybe all of that. Is that why I am what I am today?

What am I today? I have no clear concept. Apparently, I am fun loving, and I am jovial, and I am cheery. I am all that. Yet I am not. Argh. Thank God for all our complexities.

I just really want a hug or an sms of concern now and then. Try not to bitch me too much, try not to hurt me too much.. Cos it's very easy to do that without you knowing it. Yet that's too much to ask. Hahas.. no matter. What's the use of being so emo? I can live life my way, feeling the concrete on my feet, watching the sky covering my head. I have no need of people's care. I am a fortress!

Oh!! My Anata is playing on iTunes now! Hahas.. remember the kBox?

三更半夜 SAVISH的我
只聽見OJISAN騎著單車賣著饅頭
YOJI HAN DESU 你究竟在哪裡
難道你又是在KURABU唱著NAKASHI喲

哦 不知道你 還愛不愛我
我哪裡做錯 請你快告訴我
我打不還手 我罵不還口
只要你說一聲AISHITTERU 別說SAYONARA
BAKA

HITORI DE 孤苦伶仃的我
苦等著ANATA兩年三個月沒有消息
哦 快要發瘋 我聽到門鈴聲
SUMIMASEN宅急便說他要找的在隔壁

哦 我懷疑你 已經不愛我
想要離開我 我求你不要走
我為你減肥 我為你喝醉
請不要說你已不愛我 親愛的ANATA

ANATA ANATA
OH PLEASE DON'T GO
NO NO OH NO NO
OH NO NO NO
OH YEAH

我要你知道 我永遠愛你 YEA
如果失去你 我就活不下去
我們最MATCH 我不會怪你
因為有一天你會看見我爬出電視機

Anyway, about Port Dickson. I really experienced the reality of the Holy Spirit, and God. I actually teared when Hsia Pin was praying for me. It was as if God was calling me to Him, calling for me to be restored to Him. I thought I smelled fragrance, but I kept thinking that maybe it was the smell of the function room or some perfume. I'm not one to be uber spiritual, but God really touched me there.

It was a realisation that God could really take my 'stuff' away. Just make them not matter anymore. All the baggage and emo-shit. Now I know the gentleness and power of the Holy Spirit.

The camp itself was fun too. We had lots of fun playing Chng Chng Chng. I'm glad everyone liked it. Thank Chee Kit for thinking of putting it in! The scenery in the hotel was great too. We overlooked the sea and there was a neverending horizon, with a beautiful sunset. I caught myself wishing someone was there with me to share the sunset. But I know it is quite impossible. Everything's wrong. Someone explain to me why people like the people they like without having any reason whatsoever.

It's funny how the people I like never like me back. Hahas.. But that's okay. Because I'm the best person I can be. I always try to be that. I know I have been failing these few years because irritation overtakes me. But really. I try. But hey, even if you don't like me back, at least accept my kindness so I don't feel so crappy. Hm.

By the way, today's the last day of my piano lesson too. I had to quit for NS. I don't want to really.. Like I said before, I'm not good at goodbyes. I hate it when everything degenerates down to a passing 'hi' on the streets when we see each other, or failed attempts at small talk, or even complete memory lapse of the existence of the person. I never want me to be that kind of person. I'd hate myself. I don't know how to feel about not having piano lessons anymore, really..

How long has it been? 5 years? Half a decade! How can things just end like that? I actually started lessons because of some silly reason which I will not say.. but then I really began to enjoy it. I began seeing myself playing the piano when I grow really old, with my wife listening in a small living room, just enjoying each other's presence and the music. Hahas..

Then I came to the realisation a few months back that maybe I just don't have the gift of music. I'm not like Chee Keen or Chee Kit. Or even Timothy. They can pick up the instrument and play like that. I can't. I get scared. I don't know what to do. The sound I make sucks. Ms Goh would agree, I think..

But I really love it. Music. What am I going to do without piano lessons?

Oh.. there's just one more thing I want to write about. It's something that has started to take over my life, and I've decided to take control of the situation. So I shall start a countdown to how many days I have stopped doing that thing starting from today. DAY ZERO! God willing, I will get rid of it!

Alright. I think that's all I have to say for now. Wish me luck for my journey tomorrow? Hahas. I know you won't =P

Friday, December 08, 2006

there are a million things i want to write but can't. damn. this blog is pretty useless, don't you think? argh. not that saying anything to myself ever helped anything. i want to stop time! i want to live in one split second. but i know i am crapping. damn it.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

prom.

I know every sane guy out there would be raving about prom and how great it was. Unfortunately, I won't be doing that. I'm just not very good at goodbyes. I can't believe this is all we can muster up as an au revoir to 2 years of our lives. This sucks.

I will miss a lot of people.. People I've come to love, people I've gotten used to. That's all gonna be taken away from me. I wake up every day realising that I won't ever have to go to school again until University, and something eats at me. My mum keep asking me to get home early, but I don't really see the point. What do I do? What can I do?

It sucks to be me. I wish I were one of those ravers. 'Prom was fun! The Hustle rocked and Errol and Huixin totally deserved King and Queen! Woot!' Right. Like it even matters. Maybe that's why I didn't take a camera with me. Memories are not things that we can lock in pictures. They stay in our heads and eat at us.. I hate them. Maybe that's why old people have to die. Too many memories and pain. Argh.

Yet another depressing entry.

But I really thank God for all my classmates. Love them to bits. You really can't find such goodwill anywhere in the world. Or talent. We have breakers, dancers, flier, photographers, dragonboaters, kayaker, goths, runners, chess players.. Hahas.. If Singapore weren't all about studying... maybe we would have been closer friends.

I will miss some more than others.. What am I going to do?!
It's over.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The fire of the Doha Games ignites with a dash to the cauldron on a horse. How perfectly dramatic. I wonder who else is watching this opening ceremony at this time. I can't sleep.

I don't think I actually thought about what I would do after the A levels. Now that it's here, I'm paying for my lack of plans, and perhaps my lack of diversity of friends. The past few days were spent with the BBCDC gang k-boxing and swimming and gymming and sentosa-ing. Then there were the shopping outings with the class and Jamie's birthday celebration which was not as I wanted. No matter.

Right now, I have nothing much else to do. How pathetic! I am actually glad that I am going to Port Dickson and Bangkok. Else, I would have nothing to do and start turning ghoulish. It's horrendous to listen to oneself, really. That's why we should all have many friends and go out more. Staying home drives me crazy. Somehow TV is just so degenerative nowadays and not being able to talk with others just bores the hell out of me.

Speaking of PD, I actually still have game plans to type out by Sunday. Tomorrow (or later today, actually) then! Hope they stand up to the test and everything is fun in M'sia.. I'm really looking forward to it!

It crossed my mind a couple of times that I might just die from a landslide on my way to either country. I guess it's got to do with the idea that I will not see a lot of my friends from now on, with NS and all. Don't think I would be able to meet Xi Xun again. She's not free at all this holiday, so I guess I'd just have to leave it at that. S6A too.. The girls would be schooling or even working by the time we come out of the army.. I don't know if I'd meet them again. Hm. I guess I would have to get use to it - the purposelessness and friendlessness.

Oh, I sold my phone. Now I have money again to buy my prom stuff. I hope it turns out great! It'd better.. that would be the official last day.

Alright. Shan't depress myself no more. I'm off!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Guest Blog // Liansheng

I bring you the totally uncensored guest blogger, Liansheng!!!

Somehow, it feels really weird to be guest blogging. I guess, this is what I call 'in desperate times, we call for desperate measures'. I am kind of suffering from this emotional low, or the classy-er people would say 'nadir', due to many stuff [my GP tutor will kill me for saying this excessively] accumulating throughout the course of my oh-so-important Advanced Level Examinations. While some are left with the simple task of shading ovals which would be over tomorrow, I still have a daunting 3 hour paper waiting for me on Friday. However, this ain't my point tonight. I have chosen to blog in mr suan's blog cause I am attention-seeking or rather, I see that blogging in a closed personal space is not longer therapeutic for me. Haha, actually it is, but well, you know, I need to share some thoughts with people at times to show my presence! Ah, this explanation ain't working. I just felt like it, ok? Haha. Pardon me for my randomness.

Well, isn't it true that in life, we are constantly filled with these kind of randomness, these kind of out-of-the-blue feelings that I think aren't that bad, cause they make me think a lot, and reassesses my self-identity or at least my real thoughts about the surroundings. I still remember how I was having this terrible feeling, which is still lingering. It somehow stemmed from my frustration with studying cause, really, don't you think having an exam for 1 whole month is so mentally tiring? Well this terrible feeling just came from a terrible MSN conversation which happened last night. [Oh please, I hope the person in question doesn't pop over and stumble upon mr suan's site and render me speechless with his questions after reading what I have to say] Haha.

Basically, I've got to start off by saying that MSN is a brilliant thing. It creates illusions that somehow give more depth and feel to someone who probably isn't so in real life. Don't you feel the same way? Those emoticons and phrases that people use don't necessary reflect what they are in nature, but it somehow blinds your impression and jazz up his image. Haha, you can disagree, but in my opinion, I do think so. [Perhaps it's just that I have met quite a couple of this kind of people.]

Honestly, I had a boring conversation last night. Not the usual one-worded replies, but terribly insensitive conversation that tried so hard to be politically correct, it discounted all the friendship that was left between the two of us. He was trying to whine about his papers, but at the same time, he was trying not to. Confused? I was too. He was saying that he deserved this and that, but at the same time, tried to be politically correct by saying that oh, different people have different expectations, so yada yada. Come on, both of us were having a horrible bout of time that night, so why can't we just give this whole thing a skip and move on to something else? Well, somehow, the topic never shifted, and the whole focus on academia just totally killed me. My whole point is, I thought we were good friends, yet, at times, there are just thoughts occurring over and over again, just as if it was all wrong from the start. Darn, I sound like some kind of girl, having being jilted. In conclusion, I just need an outlet to let all this shit out, and tadah, mr suan kindly let me grace his blog (with my words). Don't you think some of our friends don't really make us feel good, yet at the same time, we are so bent on continuing this friendship?

Life is weird. Haha. Anyway, on a sidenote, I am kind of getting over this thing. In fact, it has never really hit me hard, I just wanted to type it out and reason it through logically. Whatever it is, i guess I am done with my content for this entry. Anyway, couple of music to look out for:

1. Faith Yang's Nu Jue [Duchess]

2. Fantasia Barrino

For those uninitiated, Faith Yang is this brilliant indie-chick belting out chinese songs that are filled with emotions, and she recently released her 4th album after 5 years of sabbatical. She really wanted to give up 5 years ago, but somehow, she persisted and came out with this current album which I think rocks. The cover, and singles released all enthralled me to the maximum, and it's been such a long time someone so indie gave me much to be thrilled about. Watch out for this feisty girl.

As for Fantasia Barrino, many would probably remember her as this screaming Americal Idol winner, but I thought her album [Free Yourself] gave me much inspiration while I was thinking about life and its what's-not. Tracks to look out for include 'Always on my mind', 'free yourself', 'ain't gonna beg you' and 'This is me'.

Enjoy.

Liansheng

開不了口

開不了口
曲: 周杰倫
词: 徐若瑄


才離開沒多久就開始 擔心今天的妳過得好不好

整個畫面是妳 想妳想的睡不著

嘴嘟嘟那可愛的模樣 還有在妳身上香香的味道

我的快樂是妳 想妳想的都會笑

Chorus 1
沒有妳在我有多難熬

(沒有妳在我有多難熬多煩惱)

沒有妳煩我有多煩惱

(沒有妳煩我有多煩惱多難熬)

穿過雲層 我試著努力向妳奔跑

愛才送到 妳卻已在別人懷抱

Chorus 2

就是開不了口讓她知道

我一定會呵護著妳也逗妳笑

妳對我有多重要 我後悔沒讓妳知道

安靜的聽妳撒嬌 看妳睡著一直到老

就是開不了口讓她知道

就是那麼簡單幾句我辦不到

整顆心懸在半空我只能夠遠遠看著

這些我都做得到但那個人已經不是我

Repeat Chorus 1
Repeat Chorus 2


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The Day Out

Made my brand new biometric passport early this morning. I wonder why they didn't ask for my thumbprint if it's biometric. The ICA is a super efficient place. I was barely there 30 minutes and they finished all the paperwork for my passport, all while I was queuing for photo-taking. Thanks to the NEC people who registered for me over the Net! I can get it by Monday. Hohos..

I was kind of expecting hoards of people after what the news of a few months ago read. Hmm.. maybe queuing all the way to Kallang River was exaggerated.

I went to play badminton with the class later on. Jamie brought her 'brother'. Like OMG. He was super good at drop shots. I was tripping all over myself trying to catch them. But I think I did quite well =D My badminton is not bad okae! I felt myself losing weight after all the perspiration too. Hahas..

Anyway, her brother's called Yuan Feng. He is super good at DotA lorh! Not that I am lousy myself. I finally figured out the tact to using Ogre Magi. Muahahahas.. I totally slaughtered the SK and Pugna. Poor Kelvin! He didn't use his wards to stop me from stunning him. Hm.. But really.. I only got two kills because Yuan Feng sk-ed me so many million times. Haix. Dwarven Snipers are irritating!!!!! I shall be one next time. Hahas..

If you don't follow my mental hop, we actually went for lunch after badminton, then we went to play DotA while Jamie and Ali went to the ulu Adidas warehouse sale in a place where I have forgotten. Hmm..

I bet I can face off Tan Long now. Hahas.. But that would have to wait till I have money. Spent everything I have today.. Hais..

Well.. I actually wanted to blog about something else today, but hey, let's forget it till the next entry.. Hehs.

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Rant 4 // Midnight.

It's one forty-three in the morning right now, but I don't feel like sleeping yet.

My MSN chatter got tired and when to sleep, but I can't really sleep right now. If only Shuying were awake now. We could exchange one-worded replies. Hahas.. Really, she is likely to be the only one I know who would be awake at this hour..

Have you ever been breathless before? Not the running-till-you-are-breathless kind. The breath-taken-away kind. Tan Long, I know you haven't. I doubt Jaden has either (did I spell it right? Or is it Jayden, or Jaedon?) It discomforts me. Makes me feel as if I don't have control over my own emotions.
Emotions are a powerful tool. Some accuse charismatics of using music and impactful speeches to manipulate emotion to gain their scale of popularity and eventually - money. Now that I am in a charismatic church, I can make no such claim. I can only say that all churches are different, and Jesus warned of false prophets and antichrists in the end times, so those are probably it.
It is, at the same time, one of it's kind. Exhilarating. It doesn't mean anything though.. I believe something only means anything if we consciously choose it to be. I don't intend to do that. I can't deny that there's nothing quite like it though.. The feeling of smelling the proverbial freshly cut grass.. Hahas.. Nothing quite like it!

Okae, I see that blogging about being breathless is quite laborious. At this moment, I can think of nothing to add.

I guess what I want to say is that.. is that.. I had fun today and if only everyday were like today without having to go through all those complicated things that would mess everything up.

Man, I feel stupid. This is going to come back to haunt me, I'm sure.. And the fall would be so far down.. To quote Shuying again, "the more the hope, the worse the disappointment". Thankfully I learnt not to hope for anything and be content with everything.

Then again..

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Reads

Due to the recent lack of purpose and focus in my life after the said end of studying for the rest of my life until 2 years later, I've taken up a hobby I've long neglected - reading.

I started by discovering that the gracious NLB actually allows me to borrow books even though I have fines! Thanks to this, I borrowed three books, The Firm by John Grisham, See No Evil by Michael Ridpath, and Gridlock by Ben Elton.

I managed to finish Gridlock this morning while waiting for Tan Long to descend upon us at Bishan from his oversleep. It was grueling, the book. Comedy as a medium to reflect social issues such as the excess of cars are not appreciated by readers such as I. I found the book too flippant for my taste, where people die easily without sentimentality for the character. The pace of the story too, was choppy and weird; the ending anticlimatic, yet admittedly fitting and well. It was natural for the story to end in a way that left the reader thinking that the traffic problems that we face are impossible to solve because of the economic impact and the lack of political will. Indeed, even if a miracle engine were to surface, it would take a long time for its integration into our society, by the time which it would be laid to waste by oil moguls - that for one, is fact.

Thank God for Toyota Prius in the real world!

Right now, I am on to The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. One should never attempt Oscar Wilde when out of love! Such desire and longing lies in his prose that one easily gets infected by his ideas of decadence and the immorality of mortality. I haven't finished half the book, but already I see how Dorian Gray would be corrupted by Lord Henry, doomed to live out his immortality in existentialism, living each experience out to the demise of those around him. We shall see!

Oscar Wilde, I must say, is a master at his craft. Already I am falling in love with his work. Such use of emotions is hard to come by. Ben Elton for one, is like rubble as compared to a great statue of David when put beside Wilde. I might want to dig out more of his works from my little library to keep away the cold and lonely nights here. Hahas..

Well then, I am about done here. Maybe 2 months would be over in a flash.. but if everyday were like today, I wish it never would.. I had fun! May there be fun tomorrow too!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Movie Review // Step Up

Ay ay~! :))

I'm back after the A levels! Woot! No more studying for 2 years!

Here I am giving you a movie review on Step Up, a movie I watched after the Econs Paper with Huimin. Hehs..

The story's simple:
A bunch of street kids break into an Arts School and wreck their stage set and Tyler, played by Channing Tatum, gets caught by the security guard after helping his friends take off. So he gets sentenced to 200 hours of community service at the Arts School and eventually helps out this girl Nora, played by Jenna Dewan, choreograph her dance piece for a showcase.

The whole idea of the movie is how a street kid with no future planned out, living in a foster family, starts thinking about what he wants to do for the rest of his life other than stealing cars and play ball and fumbles upon dancing. It helps that he dances real well too, and he finds love along the way.

Nothing fancy about the film, but I love it for the meaning behind it and the cool dance moves. It's the kind of movie that makes you want to become a dancer after watching it. Really empowering. So go watch it if you are sick of seriously dull movies or overtly mushy romance comedies. It's worth it.

3.5 STARS!

I'm like hooked onto Hip Hop music cos of this movie. The groove's superb man.. I'm gonna get myself some Sean Paul when I get me money. Go get their soundtrack if you can! It's gonna be better than the movie.

Go visit their MySpace! It's really cool with the music vids and trailers and all.. The interview was quite inspiring too, with the kids talking about how dancing finally pays off and how people should follow their dreams....

One thing though... if you are going to Cathay, go with someone who can drink coke. I bought myself two cups of coke because I didn't know Huimin was sick enough to not drink coke and cos Cathay doesn't allow you to buy a bigger popcorn without two drinks!!!! Argh. My bladder was bursting by the time I came outta the theatre! I bet my control skills went up several notches just by withholding my river there. Lols.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

A life of boredom?

Finally a day of rest before the end of A levels tomorrow!!

The day was spent unwisely on the Net and watching Gong!! (shh.. my ma is not supposed to know.) I felt kinda stupid later because the Channel U repeated the exact episode tonight which I watched again.

Right now, I am trying to do more Chem MCQs to get myself familiarised with the timing and format tomorrow. 40 questions in 1 hour! It will be a madhouse man.. not least because most of everyone would finish tomorrow. Wah.. people already starting shouting and screaming after Econs yesterday lorh. I don't know what will happen tomorrow lorh. Hahas.. but I am looking forward!

I really can't imagine what I am going to do after.. Sure, we can play DOTA for a few days, go explore Vivo City, blah blah blah.. but what am I going to do after?! Life would totally lose focus. Argh.. I hope I don't fall into some depressive pit of emptiness and purposelessness. Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend for a month! Hahas..

But really.. I think I would focus on slimming down. Hmm.. work towards 8 pecs for abs! Maybe I will go kayaking again if circumstances allow.. I heard KRT's changing coach because Mr Lawrence and Mr Mark Lim are leaving the college.. Wah. I hope everything works out and Cher stays!

Okae. I hope everything goes well and life doesn't suck after JC...............

Friday, November 10, 2006

God Speaks...

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

"God hates the sin, but loves the sinner."

I read these two statements from two different blogs and they just popped out. It's as if God is trying to tell me something here...

Dr Khoo talked about grace last Sunday. About getting what we don't deserve as opposed to mercy, which is not getting what we deserve i.e. eternal damnation in unquenchable fires. Grace. I must say, I really still don't get the concept of it. Like what Dr Khoo said, it's not something that we would get after listening to a sermon. (Or was it Joyce Meyer's podcast?) Hmm.. anyway, I find it hard to believe that God would forgive someone who sins over and over again.

It's like running on a treadmill... Walking on the same spot all the time, never really moving on. How does he tolerate that?! It's all the self-condemnation suddenly negated by a single scripture of his promise to cleanse.

I can't believe it, but by faith, I will.

Politics

Taking a tiny break from the A levels, I decided to concern myself with Parliamentary matters by watching TV (hoho!) and of course, there's the hot topic recently, the Midterm Elections of the US.

If you didn't know already, the Democrats won with Nancy Pelosi making a grand speech about what America wants and what the Democrats can give. The skeptic in me tells me that a few years from now, they would be exactly the same as the Republicans. Lost and unpopular.

More and more, democracy seems to be a farce to me. It seems that popularity matters more than truth in a democracy. There's no lack of examples here. Just look at the GMA saga in the Phillipines, Thaksin in Thailand, Chen Shui Bian in Taiwan, and now Bush in America. It appears to me that with a certain degree of media manipulation, the people can be turned against you, no matter how popular you are. Bear in mind that all these leaders were voted in with very strong mandates.

With such media proliferation and opposing viewpoints, it's no longer possible to safeguard your governance from detractors. I tend to give these politicians the benefit of the doubt (perhaps with the exception of Bush). It's amazing how a lack of evidence combined with immense media hoo-ha can kill politicians. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Where is legislation in these countries? How can democracy stand without solid evidence to back opinions and accusations?

That perhaps is the Achilles' heel in this system. Without the support of the people, even if what you are doing is correct, or even essential, for example, staying in Iraq until further stability is achieved, you will not succeed. Look where economic reforms got Arroyo? Do we as the 'people' not see what's really good for the long run, instead of mere tax rebates and what's good for our pockets?

I am beginning to see a glimpse of why MM Lee opposes free media. From America, we can see just how powerful the media can be in manipulating the hearts and minds of the people. Perhaps its better that Singapore is moving at a much slower pace with the people agreeing with most of the government's policy, yet getting a greater say in law-making, as one MP proposed yesterday in Parliament.

One drawback though.. Singapore politics are just so boring for that. Hmm.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

你听到了吗?我把《宫》的音乐放了上去。好听吧? 听不见的话可不要怪我!是你的电脑慢。=P

对自己无法再上音乐的我,也只有听听歌,想想事吧。。。

今天的数学考试还不错。我会再接再厉的!

Monday, November 06, 2006

HDB Hysteria

An article in primary school criticised the Singaporean creation of HDB apartment blocks as inhumane. The minute living spaces were seen as jail-like by the more land-abundant first world countries (think Europe's vast vineyards and America's Wyoming which has less that one person living in it per square mile); unfit for human consumption.

HDB flats were a novel creation, since replicated by Hong Kong, Shen Zhen, etc. Think about it.. Condominiums are really just more expensive flats with less space and an eternal lease to it until Vogons decides to build a Galactic Superhighway through it!

The then younger me who didn't know better blasted that article to smithereens with my mental ray, banishing to Suaneverland. Now I know.. the Brits were right.

Staying home and not talking to anyone for most of the day for days on end has taught me just how small my room is. I can't imagine how life would be like if I have to stay the rest of it in this five-room flat!! Coupled with my I-think-I-have-no-friends and My-life-is-pathetically-void-of excitement mentality, I am surprised that I am not dead or in need of Valium yet.

It's HORRIBLE. God. Who knew talking to people was so vital for Mr Suan's survival? I need to feel that my world is bigger than my room too. Maybe that's why I go out most of the time. There's this drive to be larger and to expand myself. HMM. Maybe that's why I was fat! Hahas.

The days without blogging were torturous too. With so many thoughts running around in my head, it was hard not being able to type them out. I know, they are the same thoughts over and over again, but forgive my angst! I must say, I am a lot less angsty than before, now without any fantasies of living happily ever after with someone I love while playing the piano in the background and my wife listening to my grouses.

I quit piano! Haix. See the destruction in people's lives and dreams National Service brings? There's no way I can start playing like Nobuo Uematsu any time soon, I think.

Indeed, these four walls around me offer little comfort, but shove the fact that I am little and tiny in the world in my face.

Ironically, the only way I can get out of this is by studying really hard and becoming successful enough to knock off one of the wall for a bigger room, but here I am blogging. Hahas.. (sense the subtle use of irony? Guy who guesses it right gets a prize! I don't mean the obvious one hor..)

Well, well, its time I got back to A Levels Mathematics Paper 2 9233/2 2002............

See you again soon!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Hiatus

I bid thee farewell, my cute people!

I am to diminish into the neverending towers of A level guides and books in search for divine wisdom and knowledge and multitudes of cash in return for it. Ye, the examinations beckons!

Good-by, my good people, good-by, until we meet thus again when the moon shows its full face once more.

I am falling in love...

1 day left to 'A' levels General Paper!!!
If you are reading this, you must be crazy like me.

I have been thinking a lot about what I would get after 'A' levels. Escapism larh..

VESPA GRANTURISMO!

Of course I would have to get a 2B license from SSDC first. Hahas.. And a Vespa would probably have to wait till I gather enough bounty from NS..

I want to become a jazz pianist too (if I can ever continue my piano lessons). Yup. I am recently hooked to jazz piano music. There's actually a podcast on iTunes that teaches jazz chords but.... its too long. 50 mins per clip! Oh man..

If I can, I want to tio vay piow too. That means strike toto. Hahahass..

Yes, I am still dreaming. Someone wake me up.

Monday, October 30, 2006

innocence

One thing that I have always been very afraid of is that I will start forming walls around me and stop feeling the range of feelings that God has given me because of the circumstances in life. You know what I speak of: The cliche that we all got from Simon and Garfunkel's song, I Am A Rock.

As I grow up, especially throughout the transition from secondary school to junior college, I find so more and more people around me start to harden and just really become clams in their own worlds.

We all become increasingly cynical as we grow up whether we like it or not. WSM was a case of someone who tired of the incessant complaints we have of the government and how it's not doing enough for the betterment of us. I began to understand a little of where she came from as I read the Straits Times today and started to ask: Why does the government have to foot the bill for poor students in NUS when even the alumni are not willing to do so? If we lived in the US, such inaction would not be rewarded with payouts. The situation would be simply work for your education or make do with social handouts for the rest of your life. Sadly Singapore has no such system, turning us into little puppies asking for more and more pedigree feed.

But that's not the point. I feel that it's as if that as we become smarter in the world's ways, we become more and more disillusioned, and our dreams get destroyed ever so slowly that we eventually lose them.

When I was really young, I wanted to be an actor. As in those really handsome guys you see on SBC or TCS like James Lye or Thomas Ong. I did become an actor when I grew up, on the Chinese Drama stage. But I know in my heart that I am not a good actor and I am typecast into 'comedy' due to the limitations of my expression which displays only 'whimsical' and 'quaint'. Then there's the typical reaction that parents would give that Lian would be all too familiar with: Theatre gets you nowhere.

I can't say my parents have been really supportive of anything I have done at all. A generation curse no doubt. Kayaking was too time-consuming, Chinese drama was too drama, BB was worthless because I couldn't appeal like others, NYJC is a shit school because they have shit-coloured clothes. These are the kinds of comments I get. I don't feel good, obviously, but I know she doesn't mean it (at least I hope).

It's precisely these hurts that would cause people to close up. If you stopped listening to these people, or stopped caring, you wouldn't feel like crying. And crying is bad right? And feeling that pain is bad.

Then there's the legendary bgr thing which everyone tries to boast of. Ouch, romantic hurt. It really hurts, I'm sure.. When you really unravel the layers and find that what's hidden beneath your preconceptions are merely romantic thoughts and basically rubbish of your wishful thinking, it hurts. Thus you'd stop putting yourself in the 'single and super available' status but in a 'don't want because there are so many important things in life' category. This might just be why Singaporeans aren't getting married. Old women in their 30s wake up one day telling themselves that they want to be single and available again, only finding that guys like young girls and not women past their fertile days. We are after all, creatures of nature and governed by survival. (Sense the cynicism?! Oh oh oh.)

But think this:
Is everyone out there just to harm you? The answer is, of course, no. Who in the world would live just so that they can irritate you? No one is so free, not with the A's coming up.

Is the aim of getting higher education for one to feel superior over others who did not have the opportunities or for us to help them? My mind is inclined to say that the sole aim of education is to serve an economic function to the government by meeting job needs so that we can continue to survive in a meaningless machine-like market. (alliteration!) But is that really true?

My point exactly is what you are thinking now. Be naive again! Be altruistic again! Believe in fairy tales again! It's so easy to intellectualise everything and assume to understand how the globe turns, coming up with theories like how Bush would always attack oil-rich countries hence ruling out a military strike on N. Korea and how people are becoming gayer.

This is perhaps why people in drama are so happy. They live out their utopia right in that black box of dreams and smiles while we strive with all our might to get out of the hole we dug for ourselves.


Okae.. this was not what I wanted to write, but it just came out. So what the heck!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

The Wee Shu Min Saga

I only just got updated on the WSM saga today by Tan Long and Zhaoyu and consequently ventured a search on Technorati. Through http://xialanxue.blogspot.com, I managed to find the alleged elitist blog entry of Ms Wee.

It is not difficult to see why many people are suaning her now. One wonders why a Harvard professor would have been rumoured to fall head over heels with her use of language. I guess either Lawrence was kidding, or Harvard professors are blinded by their love for everything that can make them seem superior to us (as is the theory hereabouts for eternity).

Never mind others. I shall say why I am personally incensed after reading her entry.

First and foremost, it's obvious that there are certain limits as to what a daughter of an MP should do. I don't believe reading complaint letters and publishing them on your blog so that you can slam it is exactly ethical. (Of course, that can be debated since the Internet is full of everything vulgar from pornography to bored bloggers.) It is quite horrendous to find that our MPs advocate such "breeding habits" in their homes. Shouldn't policy makers be imbued with morality and better judgment? Is this the result of our lack of contenders in our constituencies?

Second, what this girl calls "old ppl (40 and above)" and "crackpots. stupid crackpots. the sadder class" (the emphasis on 'stupid' is of my doing) and people of the "complement class" and "wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches" include my parents.

Because we don't earn more than $10000 a month, nor do we all speak Queen's English doesn't make us any less entitled to society's resources, and in Mr Derek Wee's case, the government, or specifically, his MP's help. If Ms Elitist read her Economics notes well (if she even takes the subject at all), she would have realised one of the macroeconomic goals of every government is to ensure equity in society, not breed an elitist class of green skirted tykes. If she read her History notes well, she would have realised that this elitist class of "intelligent" decision-makers who live loftily in their castles in clouds thrive, interestingly, in the Communist states Ms Elitist-arse asks Mr Derek to live in.

Note also that there are no such words as "undermotivated" but simply "unmotivated".

I am bloody peeved that she could have said that those people are crackpots. Do you know what crackpots are? They are drug-addicts. Low income does not equate marijuana! If we have drug deals in Singapore, it would be ecstasy scandals from high profile characters in our society.

Is it fair at all to ask those that have helped build up the Singapore economy; the majority of the working class of Singapore to burrow in silence to finance the salaries of our policy makers without their helping us out at all? Is it even minutely correct to, in the corner of your obscure mind, think that these people do not deserve better jobs and brighter futures?

The problems of unemployment in older Singaporeans and concerns of immigrant groups are real and should not be brushed off so lightly because Ms Wee was born with a silver spoon stuck in her mouth and that she so happens belong to RJC. I have many friends in the Humanities programme there, and being a Rafflesian myself, I question what could have happened to breed such noxious opinions. Are the expatriate teachers doing us more harm than good by importing their discriminations?

There is, of course, no longer any use in pursuing this matter. Thoughts are our own and they cannot be changed. I can only disagree with her, not make her agree with me. Apologies have flown around and one can only reflect on this matter as teenage folly and as precautionary tales to remind us never to think that we are of the better class of society and marginalise others who are less fortunate than us.

Perhaps we can also reflect on what went wrong in our education system as to have led to such dangerous thinking? Is my generation becoming snobbish and insolent because we are more blessed than the previous? Will Singapore become a dystopia in our hands?

Saturday, October 28, 2006

今天

OMG!!! 宫 is becoming really exciting!! I am so tempted to watch the VCD but Mummy's stashing it away after she finishes so that I can't!! Caijing is so cute lorh.. and the Prince also.. ah.. they look so ideal together!! *gush*gush*

Because I am catching the K-Wave slow, I got quite obsessed with metal chopsticks recently. I actually asked Chow and Ms Pan if they knew where I could get my hands on a pair. Guess what I found out today?! I actually have 5 sets of them right in my own home in the utensils drawer. 5 FREAKIN' SETS!! OMG. Hahas.. So I kapok-ed one set and I am embarking on Mr Suan's recycling campaign to use the same chopsticks for all my meals to save on wooden ones =)

Anyways, I really wanted to blog about what I sms-ed today. Oh, I feel like my Chinese is chao powerful. So long never write le still so 棒. Hahas.. Here's the sms...

“昨天我想通了一件事。等待也是生活重要的一环。因为一直以来精彩的日子突然平淡了下来,自己无法适应而无聊,开始会羡慕生命似乎比我辉煌的人,也不断地寻找再次的刺激。自己却没有看到自己的将来会充满着未知的精彩!

很傻吧?... ...”

That was my attempt in explaining my restlessness these days, and I really think it's true. Many people face the same problem I think. But the revelation struck me hard yesterday that 'Waiting is really just another part of Life'. We actually spend more time waiting for things to happen then when they really do, so it's foolish to want life to be interesting and be on the move all the time. God puts us through boring and times of dryness so we can enjoy excitement and novelty when they come - in the form of NS next year!

After that sms I actually felt unexpected relief, like a weight lifting off me. Feel so much better now! =)

In other news, I spent 5 hours in BK today studying.. Didn't know I had it in me to mug for so long in one stretch. Hahas.. Econs again.. but I really feel super productive today. I will award myself next week with buying a shirt! Muahahahahas..

-echo- ahahahas.... -echo-

Friday, October 27, 2006

Blogger Beta

Even Xi Xun is now on Blogger Beta!!! That is added to the list of The Allegiance Blog and Chow.
Haix..

Blogger Team!! I WANT BLOGGER BETA TOO!!!!!

Hitherto...

Hellos!

Back for an update before I plunge back into Econs. The last few days have been spent all on Econs such that I am beginning to get worried that the rest of my subjects are being neglected too much. Been going out to study too, so I've actually managed to do more as compared to when I was at home..

Hmm.. I have been taking photographs too! It was a pity that we couldn't go to the Canon Photo Marathon IV 2006.. I know I probably wouldn't win, but it would have been fun.. I loved this photo which won a Merit in the "History" assignment. There's a certain rustic feel to it which I still don't know how to photoshop. Haix.

Anyway, here are some things I saw these 3 days which caught my eye...

The ugliest Tweety ever! I really love Tweety of all Loony Tunes characters cos he's so cute and clever! But this one I saw at Popular in Northpoint was just disgusting.. The eyes are too big le larh!!

This was taken yesterday when I was whiling my time away with Chow and Ms Pan..

Grr.. you can't imagine the stress going out with them man.. Suaning and bitching at each other like crazy. Especially chow with his 'late-night syndrome'. He supposedly bitches a lot at night cos he goes cranky when he's tired. I have a better way of going cranky - I go silent. No [negative] externalities!

This I took today in Guthrie House at 6th Avenue while waiting for Mavis, Teckie's friend. I was out with Teckie and Chow after we went gymming. I thought this pattern looked really beautiful with the spiderweb effect and the light filtering in. I did some editing to show only the sky.. You should have seen the sky - GORGEOUS.

We were planning on going to Holland V but we had a loooonng wait, and the heavens decided to pour and Time wasn't merciful to us. Ended up going home after 50 minutes of mugging. Quite unproductive really. But that's compared to no studying at home. So I am glad.

I should have taken photos of the fuchsia/magenta chairs we saw at Sixth Avenue too.. They were really special because of how fugly they looked. I was telling Teckie that it's probably to stop people from stealing chairs from the kopitiam.. Interestingly, I saw similar plastic chairs in along Sembawang on my way home. Hahas..

This and the photo below were taken when we (the family) went to Clark Quay to celebrate Mummy's birthday at Jumbo. I superlove the roof they have installed and the fountain right outside Marrakesh!

I took a photo of the roof at night some time before.. but this is the "day version" of the photo.. Look at the patterns! Really really pretty. Alas, the camera-phone has limited panorama. No way I could take photos of the whole thing without driving myself to the ground in the attempt. I want Canon EOS 400D!!!! ='( Okae, stop dreaming.

This photo was taken right at the fountain I was talking about, together with JOY. I like taking photos with a story. Look how happy the dad is with his SON?!

I myself am beginning to love boys too.. No, not in a pedophilic way, but in a I-want-a-baby-boy-when-my-wife-to-be-gets-pregnant way. Aww.. they are just so cute!! And I established yesterday when I heard a baby girl scream that girls are just too screamy. Boys are better because they just shout and run around and - according to Teckie - claw at you. But hey, girls do that too.. so boys are better!

I don't think I ever got a chance to run through fountain with my own day, so this photo says a lot. Don't you just feel like having a family right here right now?! I wish I were in Africa or something! Then I can bring my kid to the Niagara Falls and we can run past it =D

Alas, family is still far away. One is about enough for me right now. I only hope my kids won't hate me when I become a father...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Ronin // One More Moment

Today, I've decided to be the proud advocate of Singapore music! Here's this nice little tune I downloaded from Ronin's website.

I dedicate this to all the special someones in the world.. You know who you are.. And to you whom I am thinking of for no particular reason. =D

Click HERE to download this clip....

One More Moment
music composed and arranged by Ronin

VERSE 1
Don't take too long to say
I love you to the ones you love
Cause time has a habit of slipping away

And out on a clear blue sky
When lightning strikes on a sunny day
Just take me in and keep me from the rain

PRE CHORUS
And the words that seem so hard so say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say

CHORUS
That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment with you

VERSE 2
Turn away to say goodbye
With each and every word that passes by
Like a distant memory

And time keeps slipping away
And time will turn to grey
And time will be the one who holds you down

PRE CHORUS
CHORUS

BRIDGE
Sometimes time will treat you bad
Before you even know what's wrong
And in the end it hits you hard
Please tell me you'll be strong

SOLO

BRIDGE

OUTTRO
Mr Suan does not like staying in the house alone at all.
It's so boring!
I end up watching television and surfing the net.
What happened to my momentum?!
I need to mugg!!
Haix.
6 days to meltdown.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

things past, thoughts past. // part two

JOY
Taken by Dezhi
Happiness is fleeting like childhood and we'll never know how much fun it was until we no longer have it and all that's left is a blurry reminiscence.


*This entry is so gonna contradict what I said on Friday*

Something in me has fundamentally changed this past few months. I can't quite pinpoint what happened or which particular day some switch in me flipped, but I know this: I can't feel as much as I did before. Even to the extent of not feeling.

Is this the consequence of growing up? If so, I don't want to grow up.

I remember a time when I used to be really nosey about everything. If someone posted an entry which sounded slightly depressing, I would just sms and ask what's wrong and what's up. Many things have changed since. I am not sure what an entry is trying to tell me anymore. It's either we are all beginning to blog without feel or I can no longer empathise as before.

You know, I always thought that empathy was a gift that God gave me, that I had the unique ability to put myself in other's shoes. That was true for a certain period of time, and I really felt my daring to ask what happened and try to listen or even solve their problems helped people.

As it now stands, I often wonder if things could ever be solved. I catch myself thinking that it's no use asking about it since I would not really be able to help in the first place. I stop smsing people asking about how they are because I know that somehow everyone has to deal with their own problems on their own as I have learnt over these 2 years. Not depending on others has taught me to not putting myself out there to lend a shoulder or a ear.

It was only in church today that I really confirmed what I feared for quite some time now. I don't feel anymore. Dr Khoo likes to tell us not to wait for our feelings and rely on them before we come before the Lord. I've never had such problems because I could always feel it. The pounding in my heart when I have a word, the thrill of worship.. Then I realised today that I don't have that anymore. Worship was still exciting, when I prayed to God I could still feel Him, but my heart didn't pound as before. It was only when I told God about this did I feel a little stirring.

Now, I don't presume to equate heart-pounding with emotion and feeling.. but this is what I have noticed lately.. That nothing much really moves me anymore. I don't feel like crying over anything, I don't feel extremely happy over anything, nothing. I hope it's just some pre-exam symptom..

But then as I said on Friday, what if I become an unfeeling bitch? As in.. what if I forget how butterflies could feel like, how love could be like, or how exhilarating being 'really happy' can be?

Maybe the only way to get my emotions back is to put myself out there to be ripped apart again. It might have been painful, but at least it was painful.. At least there was a romantic side to it. I want to be a bloody romantic, not a robot!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Breakdown of my allowance

Because I am bored, and obstinate; unwilling to settle down to do my revision, I am here to break down what little money I have per week and really analyse why the poor spend all they have!! The marvels of economics revealed in my exploration of my non-existent marginal propensity to save...

I am give SGD$70 per week by mummy dearest..

$20 goes to my handphone fund, which eventually goes back to ma because well... she paid for the phone. It's calculated that I need 25 weeks to pay back the full amount.

That leaves me with $50.

Because I want to be an abiding and radically obedient (hmm. does that sound a little oxymoronic?) Christian, 10% of that goes to tithes. That's $5 gone.

That leaves me with $45.

Because I want to go to the church camp at the end of the year, and because my mother doesn't want to pay for it for me, nor do I want her to spend any more money on me, I am saving $20 per week in the hopes of saving up to $300 by 12 Dec 2006. For this too, I will have to work during the December holidays.

That leaves me with $25. Now, that's only 50% of my allowance gone. Seems like a small percentage. But look at how much I now have per meal.

My family does not cook. Therefore, all my 3 meals are consumed outside, 24/7. Divide $25 by 7. That's $3.57 per day. 3 meals per day right? So how much do I get per meal? $3.57 divided by 3 is $1.20. The last time I checked, I can only buy lemon tea with this money.

It's amazing how I survived this week with money left to tithe. Haix..

Now for the economics standpoint. Why is there this phenomenon where the poor (me) do not save? Simply because the percentage of income used on daily necessities (like food!) are high. Not that I don't want to save. But how do I save when I have barely enough money to buy food?!

Singapore is such a society with meticulous saving habits that people like me are viewed as anti-social or even spendthrifts. Am I?

Light A Million Candles Against Online Child Abuse

I just read about this campaign to support action against online child abuse from Mr Brown's blog.

Thought it would be right for me to share and for YOU to do your part and light a candle!

Just go to lightamillioncandles.com to help them meet the target of 1 million candles by 31 December 2006!

-Mr Brown's entry trackback-

Friday, October 20, 2006

things past, thoughts past.

I sort of stumbled upon an entry I wrote on 26 Dec 2004 in a hidden place. That's almost 2 years ago! I was super emo in that entry! Almost as if some part of my body was going to drop out. That said, there's nothing wrong with being emo! I don't know why there's such a movement out there to deny what one feels. I don't ever want to become a 'DJ'. At least I know I am progressing from one phase to another instead of denying everything I know and not paying enough attention to everyone around me.

Anyway, about that entry.. I was in a different phase of my life then. Still pining over someone and the fact that I was leaving secondary school for JC. How far I have come! Life seems more boring now with no pulpitations and butterflies. Hahas..

I was actually thinking about this as I walked to Cristofori for piano lessons. I don't feel as much anymore. Like nothing much scares me that I can feel my heart beat, and nothing much stirs me that I can feel adrenaline rush. No more butterflies.. I was telling Peck Hor some time back about this too.. I don't feel anything much anymore.

As to the reason why, I have several theories..
1. I am growing old!!
2. Too tired to feel anything with the A's coming
3. Felt enough; numb already.
The third one feels especially resonant. Hmm..

But I take this as a good thing. This actually tells me that I am growing to be less naive. I tended to see things in eternity and in some idealistic manner. Now I know that everything's not that. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing turns out the way it should be. Pity, really.. But no matter. No one is dying over that here.

I just hope that I do not become immune to feelings as some have. And I hope that I still hope. The last thing I want is to become a cynical bitch which I have a reputation of. It's difficult to ascertain such things though. I have no control over the auto-mechanisms of my subconscious mind.

The point is (I know it's not very evident or does it appear anywhere before making this a very crappy statement..), things were so much more simpler when I saw things as black and white and pure. Now there's no turning back.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

da Haze in retrospect

The haze was really bad this Monday, peaking at 130 on the PSI. This civilian journalist interviewed a perturbed denizen of our glorious city about the air condition, or the lack of it.

An interview with Tan Long revealed the vileness of the entire situation:

"My sister was choking at home!!" says Tan Long. "My whole family very sensitive to these things one. Wah.. I almost died when I came here lorh!"

Meterological snapshots all over the city shows us just how badly visibility has been affected these few days due to the irresponsible hack and slash, slash and burn, crash and burn methods of the Indons.



Another interview with one Mr Lian reflected the sentiment of many in Singapore

What do you think about the haze?
Terrible! I am the kind of guy who gets really affected by the weather. I get groggy, headache -
all kinds of ailments associated with it.

Do you blame the Indons for it?
Nope. Though my maths teacher said something funny. She said PSI = please stop, Indonesia. Can you get it over and done with? So I can migrate to an air-con room. CAUSE I AM DYING UNDER THE IMMENSE HEAT.

Indeed. Along with the haze has brought sweltering weathers, exacerbated by the humid weather of the monsoon season. This reporter compares the weather outside to being in a furnace.

Later on in the day, our interviewee Tan Long shrieks in apocalyptic frenzy, "Look at the sun!" Sadly, there's nothing much to look at. All we see is a crimson dot the size of Singapore on a map of the sky.

Our resident scientist comments on this phenomenon in argument with another researcher:

"The haze produces a coat that keeps in the sun's heat, strengthening the greenhouse effect, superheating the air."

"Yarh.. the UV rays are trapped in the haze, bouncing here and there."

"..."

"That's why we are all tanned!"

The political will has been weak in Indonesia even with other ASEAN countries complaining about the annual condition. We can only hope that the monsoon will bring rain soon to stop those farmers and loggers from burning anything and bring down the haze!

So here's some advice: DON'T GO OUT! GO TO MALLS, GO TO MOVIES, JUST STAY IN!! Interestingly, this advice is echoed by the National Environment Agency of Singapore. "Persons.. should reduce physical exertion and outdoor activity."

Remember, stay home.

NS Enlistment...!!

Guess what I got in the mailbox yesterday?

I am getting enlisted!! Yay! A chance to get to serve my country and to defend the good peoples of Singapore! - Right.

I was totally not expecting it cos most of my classmates got theirs last Saturday and Zhaoyu, Tan Long, Teckie and Rich were just talking about how they already received theirs. I was totally mentally prepared to get in in April! Grr.. wet blanket.

I was thinking about how I could become an apprentice at some French restaurant and eventually become a world famous culinary chef when I get out of the army and when I graduate. Or working at Coffee Club so I can earn enough money to buy all the things I want to buy like that Dolce and Gabanna suit I wanted!! Argh..

I am going in on the 13th of January. That is SO SOOON!!

According to the letter I am going into BMTC 1. My brother says it's the better school. Hahas.. Hope I get a white horse in my unit! Heehaw!

Apparently we don't get to charge the handphones we bring because the whole of Tekong runs on generators and they are afraid that too many chargers will overload the crap out of them. Hope my Samsung batteries will last.. I think I will go buy two more just in case..

They are giving us cool stuff too! Free swimming trunks is always a plus. Hope they give the right size! We are getting the really cool ARMY PT kits too, and stainless fork and spoon. Hmm.. I was wondering why they are not afraid we might kill each other with the fork. You know how prisons and airplanes no longer have metal spoons? I always thought the same would apply with the army. Evidently not. Then again, what's a fork when you've got M16s and SIGs?

Okae, I am sounding super hyped up. Hahas. Just hope I get into OCS and get all the moolah! I am money-crazed right now. I need money!!!

Toodeloo!

This entry was sparked off by a video I saw in YouTube about an old WW2 veteran who died recently. He spent the last week or two of his life recording himself and talking about life in general, and eventually about the war and its ravages.

I thought it particularly relevant and interesting since I was blogging about Flags Of Our Fathers yesterday.. I haven't had the time to finish watching everything, so I thought I'd post the link up here so that I can remember it, and you can watch it too.

It's amazing what YouTube is doing for people. The spoofs and funny videos aside, this new media has brought about a new outlet for people just like Martin to share things we would otherwise never have known. Hopefully it's going to do the same for many other people as time goes by..

Here's the vids
..

Toodeloo, and ciao!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

It Gets Really Irritating When I Have To Think Of Titles All The Time.

Mine blog beckonest me to update it.

Here's what caught my eye today:

Why Not Seeing Is Believing
I disagree with Andrew Sullivan on some points: Jesus is perfect okae! Perfection does not stop you from feeling pain though.. it's not doubt that caused Jesus to go into isolation or to cry out the bitter abandonment by God before He drew His last breath. Then again, we do know that the heavens and the world were darkened at that moment..

I disagree, also, with the view that we should be moderate believers, choosing some aspects of the religion over others. That's not proper doctrine! That may make social (i.e. responsible to the society) people but not godly people.

What I really liked about Sullivan's essay is the call for 'moderation', and a healthy view of doubt as faith-strengthening instead of faith-defeating. Indeed, we cannot understand the nature of God fully. In other words, it is folly to claim anything in the name of God.

He also disapproved of the world's obsession with "truth". I guess it is true (hahas.. pun!) that we have forgot to be Christians in our attempt to act Christian. Instead of being kind and friendly and Christ-like, we have shifted focus to how we and others should live our lives. That's precisely what Jesus warns us against in the incident when he first met Mary Magdalene and asked anyone who has not sinned to cast the first stone.

Ask A Gay Man: Fashion Edition
Apparently there's this guy out there giving fashion advice to all the fashion idiots out in the world. It's really kind of funny. In the first place, he's not gay (at least that's what he says in his MySpace). Second, he bitches like crazy about everything. I know, that's not nice behaviour, but it's funny to watch! Not to mention he does give some sound advice too..

Do watch his other videos too.. Apparently there are Baking Edition, Hair Edition, blah blah blah.. I didn't bother with them..

Flags Of Our Fathers
I really want to catch this movie when it comes out in Singapore. It's about World War II and the battle in Iwo Jima and the iconic photo of 6 men raising the American flag at the highest point in Iwo Jima.

This photograph eventually became the symbol for American war effort in WW2 and the movie tries to portray how the soldiers and the raising of the flag was used by the politicians to rally support for the war and to encourage the American people to buy war bonds in a time when support for the war was flailing.

It is interesting to note the parallels with what is happening in American today what with the Bush Administration declaring 'Mission Accomplished' quite some time back even before they pulled out of Iraq, and how support for the Iraq war is now down to almost nil.

Clint Eastwood also tried to portray the idea of heroism. I guess there was irony in the sense that the men who raised the flag and were called back to promote the war were labelled 'heroes' while the real heroes were really those still fighting the war.

Beloved punctuation of the day:
Ah, the full-stop. Weapon of choice to silence others by showing your crispness (i.e eagerness to end the conversation.)

Example:
Don't you think italics in pink look super pretty? :)
Yah.

See how the conversation has no other way of continuing until the other party initiates another topic - hopefully of quality?

Okae.. That's it from me today..

Stay happy amidst difficulties and jiayou okae? =)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

*sniff*sniff*

Blogger is in beta mode! They are introducing labels like other blogging site like TypePad and I hear there are going to be more cool ways to structure the layout of the page. The sad thing is, only a handful of people get to be in the beta trial, and I am not one of them! Grr.. So sad larh.. I want labels for my posts as well.. =(

Right now, I'm just blogging because I don't feel like I want to sleep yet. I know if I plop down on my bed, Zhou Gong is going to hit me with his hammer so hard that I would fall asleep immediately, but I am just not ready to sleep. That's a first! Hahas..

突然想起满天星星的那第一天。当时也不知道为什么会答应跟一个没见过面的人一起去看电影。那天好好玩哦!有多久了?三年吗?现在一切都淡了吧。彼此也没话好说了。我成为了记忆的一部分-天空里的一片云。若隐若现、若有若无。也无所为。因为是自己的想法,不能强制在别人身上。太多回忆的痛苦也竟是如此。

See, if I had a label in my blog, I can put this under "emo shit"! But I don't. =( I want!!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

BlogTV

Channel NewsAsia has come up with a new programme to capture the wave of blogging that has inundated Singapore's youth. BlogTV is a talkshow which will bring hot topics in the Internet to TV audiences. Much like hunting down blogs to comment on TV.

This follows the setting up of the P65 MPs' blog which was announced in the news 2 days ago. The government is finally starting to see the tsunami, it seems. Unlike traditional media like print and broadcast media, the Internet provides endless opinions in such massive quantities that it is almost impossible to censor. Herein lies the danger. Of course, we know that it's the popular blogs that are dangerous because the larger the audience, the greater the divergence from policy 'truth'.

I took a little tour in the BlogTV site, and found it rather refreshing. The first question they posted ever was whether blogging is a manifestation of our exhibitionistic condition. Unfortunately, I couldn't comment because I use a Mac (Such marginalisation!). Well well, luckily I have a blog to rant to!

In my opinion, yes - blogging is a form of exhibitionism. Why do we blog? Why do I rant and whine?

ONE: It has become easier for one to type on the laptop than to write in a diary.
TWO: We actually want someone out there to read our blog and comment on our lives.
THREE: We desire consensus to our ideas - we want them to be heard - and herein lies the exhibitionism.
FOUR: We want to become famous by bitching like Xiaxue (?)
FIVE: Vent our frustrations!! Like bite off the head of your boss in your blog and photoshop his face with lots of zits and humungous blackheads. (That's really what I do.. though I have no boss. Hmm..)

That is about all I can think of.

I disagree however, that this form of exhibitionism is bad. Personally, blogging is a healthy psychological outlet for stress. Countless rants of wanting to commit suicide actually prevents one from doing so because of the relief it brings. Self-reflection after crises or tragedies bring about greater clarity in life.

To be able to share a facet of your life with others online is a cool thing if nothing else. The fact that we can now write what we think of and have others agree or disagree is a boost to writing confidence. Of course, this is desired but hardly attained. My blog for one, has no one commenting much on what I write, perhaps because I write of nothing of importance. However, think Mr Brown. Blogging has more or less become his career with The Mr Brown Show and he has never looked back. I do many other bloggers injustice by the sheer ignorance of many more blogs out there. But I know so many more out there has blogging as a part of their lives.

What this is, is the coming of a new age of journalism - that of the civilian journalist. Anyone with a camera, with an opinion, with a computer and the Internet can write an article about any subject matter and have readers. The antithesis of established media; the balance for media is born! (-wahh!!!-)

Of course, blogs as a news source can never be fully reliable because of just this nature. Defamation without solid evidence is so easy in a virtual world consisting only of words and often malleable photographs. In this sense, we need to apply our common sense and judgement to sift out the truth from a whole myriad of junk. Conventional news sources would then be the authority and backing for such 'sense'. The more we learn, the less we know it seems. Opinions so often affect people emotionally, and we just have to learn to see things objectively. (Was talking to teckie about this today. Hm.)

It is absurd to fault others for their opinions. But that is what happens in intolerant societies. Are we moving toward tolerance to the extent that blogs will no longer be under close scrutiny for political correctness and absence of racial slurs? I believe the clamps are just coming closer to home. Exposing your biases on the tube? Already we are starting to lose the anonymity which the Internet offers and the diminished responsibility that follows.

Soon enough...

Friday, October 13, 2006

Farewell, NY.

I never thought it would end so quickly, neither does it feel like it has ended, but it's final. I have officially bade farewell to a college that has taught me and groomed me over the past two years.

There was no pompous send-off, no awe-inspiring speeches that made me think about the true meaning of education, there wasn't even a quality tear-jerking video. Two alumni members graced us with their presence by sharing work experience and little about the memories they had about Nanyang, Mr Kwek joked in his short speech which included (you guessed it) the usual 'do you best for the A's' rhetoric. Ryan Eremus Something irritated me just by being on stage as the valedictorian. Who chose him in the first place? Did the graduating batch have a choice? Cos if we did, or more correctly, if I did, I wouldn't choose him. I would choose me. =P

What replaced all the grandeur and pomp I hoped for was laughter. The video wasn't good in any sense of the word, but we had lots of fun laughing at the silly antics of the teachers. Mr Haniss actually looked quite nervous in front of the camera! Of course there was the thousand-handed-buddha thingie which the Physics department tried to pull off.. I was a little disappointed that I didn't actually get to see Mrs Chan talk on her on though.. Mr Wan was funny by being self-deprecating, being number 1 in the Chem department's presentation.. I could actually sense the immense amount of goodwill emanating from the teachers.

Of course there was plenty of joking around amongst the students. And thanks to Mrs Chan's gift of link-puzzles, the whole duration at the hall never had a dull moment. We were swapping puzzles to solve and all..

The refreshments later on helped me to solve my no-money-for-lunch problem. But wow, the school catered so little!! The bee hoon ran out in a flash and Lester was gobbling up all our spring rolls. There was plenty of photo-taking from everyone.. that includes me! After all, I don't think we would be meeting again anytime soon as a class. It's not as if we will all conscientiously turn up for Math on Monday. Well.. here are the photos!!











Thursday, October 12, 2006

=)

I told myself that I just have to blog today. Why? Because I am not 'depressed'! I think this blog has been too sad for too long. I've been using it to vent my frustrations and disappointments, but not to record little things that delight me.

I am starting to think that I can do better for the coming A's after gaining the momentum to study yesterday. The many practice papers that the college has been making me do did expose my many lapses in revision, but in a sense I do feel as if I can face it now. Learning and changing as I go now!

The day wasn't rive with problems about the prom either. Seriously, I was quite surprised that Peck Hor would eventually be alright with Genial. I expected him to be more stubborn about it. Hmm.. he seems to have changed to become more easy-going since earlier this year. That's good..

Other than that, I got my result slip today! It's final: D D D D. Gee.. bad omen eh? Dead Dead Dead Dead. But that's better than I thought, and I am quite alright with it. I know I can do better than that in the A's. Soon enough you will see a straight A student right before you!!!!

Hmm.. I got to learn how to make straw stars from Alicia too! It's really quite cool. You just fold and fold, and then.. tada!!

A star is born!!

This was made from Jun Xiong's straws. He was the guy who got me interested anyway because he was doing all these stars.. Hmm. He might be making like 3344 or 521 of these stars for someone bah. Hahahahahas... wah. Reminds me of the time when I bothered to fold stars. So silly. Hahas..

We took some photos while studying also..


So yeah.. it was an altogether fun day with Mr Kwek cracking us up with his antics during his speech at assembly. Wah. When did I go from hating his reforms to laughing at this quirkiness? Time has really past quickly eh? One more day to the end of school days ever. Doesn't feel like it at all..

Hope I get more of such days to share!

And Blogger people, if you are reading this, I am not operating a spam blog!!!! grr..

Monday, October 09, 2006

. . .

please just make it stop.
One of Us
Joan Osborne

If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

And yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin' to make his way home?

If God had a face what would it look like?
And would you want to see if, seeing meant
That you would have to believe in things like heaven
And in Jesus and the saints, and all the prophets?

Back up to heaven all alone
No, nobody calling on the phone
No, just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Sunday, October 08, 2006

the night out

Wells.. I guess Pam really saved us.

I can't be put in a situation where I have to initiate topics to talk about. Cos I can't. Shuying was the person doing most of the asking. And I bet my monosyllabic or otherwise plain answers were irritating. There's just no common topic I guess.. I really pulled out the haze, but it lasted less than 3 minutes I think. Super awkward.

Pam saved us by being a friend of Shuying and friend of Dezhi. So at least she could talk to both people having more history with each one of us. Managed to pull some sort of a conversation at Starbucks. I guess people really need to meet to have normal relationships. SMS doesn't work! Shuying was looking quite sian most of the time.. it might have been tiredness, I guess (positive thinking!). Her hei yan quan was really black. Never sleep well ba. But I am not in the business of asking people to sleep early and have sweet dreams anymore. No one listens I surmised.

We ended up eating at Lerk Thai and the nice durian mousse at Han's (with Shuying saying 'nice right?' all the time). Went shopping around Marina Square after that, which made everything funner..

Thinking about it, it turned out quite okae.. but I don't think I would dare do it again. Sometimes it's better to let things lie bah. I really can't bring myself into a high mood in front of her. 2 years is all it takes to make everything different, I guess.

Regretted not taking a photo together.. might not get to meet again le ba.. Gee.. why am I sounding so weird and solemn? But hey, at least I got to see her smile! Always great to see old friends smile. =)

So that's about that. Yeah.. gee.
 
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