Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Daddy's Back!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I AM BACK!!!

Woot! Never knew I would enjoy watching Channel Newsasia while lying on my sofa that much. Oh the Singaporean perfect English! The fakeness! AND THE SINGLISH!

I LOVE SINGAPORE!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

lima

I need to start rethinking how I should blog. I seem to have fallen into some kind of habit to hide or to distance how I really feel with these words. It may not seem so with the colourful nature of my language, but it really feels so.

I seem to be feeling things less acutely than I used to. Life used to be so rich and colourful and every moment was just waiting to happen. Now, where did that all go to? Did I spend too much time chasing imaginary love? Did I spend too much time thinking that I stopped doing? Frankly, I really don't know.

I am a deeply selfish man who thinks too much about himself to care for others. That's what I'm starting to see in myself. And even thinking that reinforces this fact. Maybe that's why.. why I seldom get to keep friends.

It's probably time to fade away for a while.. and to take a break.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Se7en

Just 7 more days to go before I land on my beloved Singapore soil! I am about to ORD tomorrow and it's difficult not to feel a certain feeling of folly on my own part for extending. Perhaps this was really not what I expected FSG to be. Somehow it seemed a lot fancier back in SOL.

I just finished the video montage for our finale BBQ. I guess together with all the angst from the bullshit here, there have been several memorable moments. I have also gained some good friends here.

Take for example the Signallers. I must say they are one of the teams I admire the most. Not only because of their cohesiveness, even in their petty quarrels, but also because of how funny they are and how seriously they take their work. Now that's admirable.

The scenery here is also the best I have seen yet with my own eyes. I've never seen so many stars in my life, nor have I seen such a long stretch of beach. Not to mention the cute little sand crabs which make the tiny balls of sand. Kawaii desu!

What I leave with is the knowledge of the person I don't want to become, and also how I can better control myself emotionally.. Now, I just want to make the best of these last few days.

Let's partyyyyy!!!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

This exercise has taught me fully that no good deed goes unpunished. In fact, I do believe this is one of the more fucked up exercises I have been to (not that I have been to that many).

I shall not say so much. Suffice to say that the Army is filled with people with their own agendas and who will take advantage of others to attain whatever aim. That to me is fucked up. I wonder why I ever even thought of signing on in the first place.

You know, it's just as well. This fully convinces me not to sign on. Unfortunately, it has also proven to me that to put myself out there to help others almost always leads to people taking advantage at my expense.

What can I say? Life's a bitch. And most people are sluts. Bloody fornicators!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

12

I can't believe that it has been 2 days since I last wrote. Seems like we have finally found the secret to wasting time and not feeling it: DotA and Company of Heroes.

It's funny how we never ever thought of playing dota all the while in Frame 1 and only stumbled upon it in Frame 2. I mean.. It was in my computer and 2SG Neo's computer all along. How come we never touched it? Then 2WO Lui thought of the wonderful idea of buying a game back from Big W. Woohoo! We have been playing since.

I have been feeling lately that I am not really fulfilling my duties as a QM here. I mean. I am basically rotting here as compared to Singapore. And it's really not as if there is nothing to do here. I guess I can find a lot of things to do if I wanted to. I can talk more to my men and understand them more if I wanted to. But I just CHOOSE to rot around. And the feeling of fucked-up-ness just doesn't help either. Is this what homesickness does to you?

Anyways, there has been quite a number of unpleasant things up in my head lately that I wish I could kbox out. Or dota out. Or just shop out. But I can't because I am stuck in bloody Aussieland. Argh.. This is a horrible feeling.

Time fly faster!!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

14

I called back on Saturday evening to find that my grandmother was hospitalised again. Ma said that she was having fits of being stiff and unresponsive in the mornings. They couldn't really figure out what was wrong even though they suspected stroke.

After the death of 2 grandfathers and 1 grandmother, with 2 of such deaths being so recent, I would have thought that I should be numb to the fact that there is nothing we can do to prevent Death from claiming my sole remaining grandparent. Yet I still dread this looming doom.

Since my other grandmother died, I guess I have unconsciously distanced myself from Ma Ma as we affectionately call my paternal grandmother. I couldn't really take her not remembering me in her Alzheimer's or my uncle trying to make her remember me, thereby highlighting the fact that she doesn't. That was especially painful for me.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be like when life comes to an end for me. How exactly does Ma Ma feel? Does all we do in our life culminate to that one moment where we take our last breath? What goes through her mind each day? When I reach that day too, what will my kids do to me? Will I also amount to a mindless burden in their eyes, only fit for coaxing reserved for babies? It must be miserable for her.

I only hope that I will be able to get back home in time... Yet. Is that a selfish thought?

I have sometimes thought if life is worth living if each day is misery. Is MK right to think that it's better to die young? Perhaps. After all, the longer we live, the more regrets we live with. Isn't it better for life to end when it's the most beautiful than when everything has withered and is past? Then again, wouldn't that be part of what we should experience too?

I guess I will never ever have any answers until I do. Until then, I just pray that everyone's safe from harm back at home.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

17

Another month, another 16 days before I leave the training area AND another 18 days before I leave Australia! More and more people are starting to leave and I am really starting to wish I was one of them. Oh wells.

Anyways, I just got promoted today! Woot! I think that statement's for a lot of other 2LTs too. We are now LTAs! At least that's another milestone towards ORD, which for me is 60 days away. =)

I have been doing my usual emo thinking about things that I cannot solve and things I don't dare to say for things I have no answer for.

Can't wait to go home!
 
This blog is best viewed in Firefox 3.6 with 1024x768 screen resolution.