Flying Away..

I'd rather you not read this. It's really long. And it's just for myself.

Hello. It's been a long time. It's going to be a longer time for now.

I just came back from Port Dickson on Wednesday night. Tonight would be the first night I'm back home. I'm flying off to Bangkok tomorrow.

It doesn't add up, you say.. That's because I spent two nights at The Amara with Mum and Sis. We get free stays for the maintenance we pay. Isn't that cool. It was. I got to go to VivoCity with Ma and Bro yesterday and then to Sentosa with Ma today.

Hahas.. Sentosa was nice. We took a ride on the Carlsberg Tower to see how horrid Port Singapore and Sentosa appeared to the heathens. Apparently oil refineries and containers count as one of our attractions.

The Images of Singapore brought back long forgotten childhood memories. We were there very long ago, before primary school, even.. and I remembered the square where all the different weddings of the different ethnic groups were displayed together. Nothing seems to have changed much. Hahas..

We quit Sentosa after that. We decided that everything cost too much money to see. Being a local tourist then, I thought foreign tourists were stupid. Then it occurred to me that I just returned from being a tourist to Malaysia where I bought overpriced goodies and I am about to go to Thailand for overpriced food, clothes, imitation goods etc.. I'd better conserve some karma. Hahas..

Let me talk a little about Port Dickson.

It was a welcome distraction from all the angst of parting with my friends in JC. Right now, that's already a distant memory; a fact that I know I have to accept. I always found it fascinating how everyone moves on faster than me. It's just so much easier for everyone else to lose friends. Perhaps they convince themselves otherwise. Maybe we will all stay the same. Haha. We all know we won't. In a few months, we wouldn't meet up no more. It's all the same. Look at 6B. Look at Quetin. Thank God for BBCDC: the exception. Sorry that I am such a glass-is-half-empty and exit-not-entrance (hahas) person.

Oh, I am just saying all these because I am inferior and upset. No one bade me bon voyage on this trip. No one probably misses me much. It's much easier for them to move on than me. I can't. Perhaps this is a good time to blame my dad.

I used to believe that there's no such thing as your childhood affecting the way you behave. There has always been a self-consciousness that I thought could veto whatever feeling or thoughts I had. Conscience? Something more I guess. Awareness. More and more, I've come to know that that alone is not enough. One needs the will too. And that, is nurtured. Maybe it's because for the better part of my childhood days, my dad wasn't really there, and I always had to substitute something with it? Or maybe it's because my parents were never the people to hug us, to say that they loved us, to show on their faces that they were proud of us. Maybe all of that. Is that why I am what I am today?

What am I today? I have no clear concept. Apparently, I am fun loving, and I am jovial, and I am cheery. I am all that. Yet I am not. Argh. Thank God for all our complexities.

I just really want a hug or an sms of concern now and then. Try not to bitch me too much, try not to hurt me too much.. Cos it's very easy to do that without you knowing it. Yet that's too much to ask. Hahas.. no matter. What's the use of being so emo? I can live life my way, feeling the concrete on my feet, watching the sky covering my head. I have no need of people's care. I am a fortress!

Oh!! My Anata is playing on iTunes now! Hahas.. remember the kBox?

三更半夜　SAVISH的我
只聽見OJISAN騎著單車賣著饅頭
YOJI HAN DESU 你究竟在哪裡
難道你又是在KURABU唱著NAKASHI喲

哦　不知道你　還愛不愛我
我哪裡做錯　請你快告訴我
我打不還手　我罵不還口
只要你說一聲AISHITTERU 別說SAYONARA
BAKA

HITORI DE　孤苦伶仃的我
苦等著ANATA兩年三個月沒有消息
哦　快要發瘋　我聽到門鈴聲
SUMIMASEN宅急便說他要找的在隔壁

哦　我懷疑你　已經不愛我
想要離開我　我求你不要走
我為你減肥　我為你喝醉
請不要說你已不愛我　親愛的ANATA

ANATA ANATA
OH PLEASE DON'T GO
NO NO OH NO NO
OH NO NO NO
OH YEAH

我要你知道　我永遠愛你 YEA
如果失去你　我就活不下去
我們最MATCH　我不會怪你
因為有一天你會看見我爬出電視機

Anyway, about Port Dickson. I really experienced the reality of the Holy Spirit, and God. I actually teared when Hsia Pin was praying for me. It was as if God was calling me to Him, calling for me to be restored to Him. I thought I smelled fragrance, but I kept thinking that maybe it was the smell of the function room or some perfume. I'm not one to be uber spiritual, but God really touched me there.

It was a realisation that God could really take my 'stuff' away. Just make them not matter anymore. All the baggage and emo-shit. Now I know the gentleness and power of the Holy Spirit.

The camp itself was fun too. We had lots of fun playing Chng Chng Chng. I'm glad everyone liked it. Thank Chee Kit for thinking of putting it in! The scenery in the hotel was great too. We overlooked the sea and there was a neverending horizon, with a beautiful sunset. I caught myself wishing someone was there with me to share the sunset. But I know it is quite impossible. Everything's wrong. Someone explain to me why people like the people they like without having any reason whatsoever.

It's funny how the people I like never like me back. Hahas.. But that's okay. Because I'm the best person I can be. I always try to be that. I know I have been failing these few years because irritation overtakes me. But really. I try. But hey, even if you don't like me back, at least accept my kindness so I don't feel so crappy. Hm.

By the way, today's the last day of my piano lesson too. I had to quit for NS. I don't want to really.. Like I said before, I'm not good at goodbyes. I hate it when everything degenerates down to a passing 'hi' on the streets when we see each other, or failed attempts at small talk, or even complete memory lapse of the existence of the person. I never want me to be that kind of person. I'd hate myself. I don't know how to feel about not having piano lessons anymore, really..

How long has it been? 5 years? Half a decade! How can things just end like that? I actually started lessons because of some silly reason which I will not say.. but then I really began to enjoy it. I began seeing myself playing the piano when I grow really old, with my wife listening in a small living room, just enjoying each other's presence and the music. Hahas..

Then I came to the realisation a few months back that maybe I just don't have the gift of music. I'm not like Chee Keen or Chee Kit. Or even Timothy. They can pick up the instrument and play like that. I can't. I get scared. I don't know what to do. The sound I make sucks. Ms Goh would agree, I think..

But I really love it. Music. What am I going to do without piano lessons?

Oh.. there's just one more thing I want to write about. It's something that has started to take over my life, and I've decided to take control of the situation. So I shall start a countdown to how many days I have stopped doing that thing starting from today. DAY ZERO! God willing, I will get rid of it!

Alright. I think that's all I have to say for now. Wish me luck for my journey tomorrow? Hahas. I know you won't =P