MEGA Entry!!

READER WARNING: This is gonna be super long. So if you were thinking of mugging, go mug, don't read. If you weren't thinking of mugging like 80% of my readers (that's like 8 people), read on, and I hope you'd still be awake when it ends.

Blog blog! Hello there! I am finally back after 1o days without blogging. Did you miss me? (I really want you to say yes! but it's okae. don't tell me.) Where have I been you ask?

Mostly hiding from negative thoughts. I didn't want to have to come up here to blog. I wanted to run away from the fact that I screwed up my Nat'ls. Yeah. My strategy was to run away from that thought for a while just to let it settle in my brain. Until I wake up one day and it seems too far away for me to hurt.

It's not easy at all. But it's something I must do.

A year ago I would have probably looked for someone to whine to and then threw it to the recesses of my brain. Well, I have no one to whine to now. I want to change that aspect of me anyway. Have I mentioned it before? It's only Dezhi now. Everything would be in my head. Life is a journey we all have to take with God alone. Every man is an island. I quote, "If we were not islands, we would be lost, drowned in each other's tragedies" - Neil Gaiman, American Gods. Well, I'm saving my tragedies for myself and saving others from drowning.

That reminds me. I still haven't read Saving The Fish From Drowning yet! That's the Amy Tan book Ma bought quite some time back. I've been caught up with clearing Time and reading Neil Gaiman and now about Foucault and also some books on growing closer to God by Joyce Meyer. Busy busy with reading! Don't worry, I mug too.

Trying to get my Physics done first. Then Chem. I am trying not to develop Chemphobia. After all, I got O for both Block Test and Midyear. It's easy to not want to study it because of the pale results. But well, I must psyche myself to work hard! Everyone say with me: JIAYOU DEZHI! JIAYOU ME! <-- That's you, not me. I mean it's me, meaning its you, not me. HM.

Spiritually, I started to find it difficult to believe in the grace of God. I started to see how wretched I really am. How I always swear to never go back to the same things, but do. How I know I must hurt God, but I still do. I came to the conclusion that I don't deserve God at all. In fact, I probably don't deserve anyone. Yet I am told I am forgiven before I sin. It gives me a huge pressure to not sin. Yet I do. So there's this voice saying "what the fuck?!" to myself all the time. It's tiring to be in this cycle all the time.

It's tough to get out of this mentality, but Dr Khoo preached quite some time back on focusing on how good God is, and not how wretched I am. So I should thank God for His goodness and look to Him for the supernatural power to overcome sin. I just pray I can do this better as time goes by.

You know, I really admire people like Alicia. How they manage to stay godly in the environment. I look at her, and I look at me. And I know I probably can't possibly be like her with my own doing. How?

I am still guilty of things getting me down. I can't seem to let go of things. If only my brain were like a sponge I could squeeze out memories of!

I have a secret. I hate walking back home from the MRT. It's always the longest stretch of road I have to take. Sometimes I would walk out in the open to look at the stars, remembering someone who loved stars for someone else. Other times I would walk and walk along the void deck till I finally reach home. It's such a long walk. Quiet, alone, dark..

I am supposed to be joyous and all! At least more joyous and less broody...

You have much to learn yet, young Padawan

Well, let's talk about other things....


XI XUN CONCERT!!
Do I have one word to sum everything up? Yes. And here it comes:

BAD.

That bad? Well, I guess it's only the sound system, and the interference-sounding voices. Other than that, it's alright. The acting was great! I totally believed that a male posing as a female was worthy of a punch in the face. And it was really plausible that the girl was that ugly 3 years ago. Totally.

Wait. Did you say it was a Singing Concert? Not possible man. Concerts don't sing. People in it sing? Hmmm. Well, I guess interference sounds nice to certain people too. If you Google it, you'd probably find people liking that genre: Interference Noise. Ha..

Xi Xun was the best. I had to agree with Tan Long on that. Xin Dong was the best song in the whole concert. Di Yi Tian was not that fantastic though.. I am being perfectly honest here. No single attempt at suaning. Man, I was saying she was like a singing goddess amongst mortals. Hahas..

24 bucks!! OUCH. I am gonna be lian for once and give it 10 cents out of 24 bucks. Maybe a dollar in support for pig. So my 23 dollars are gone with the win. Maybe to the diamond ring that guy jokingly gave to the person he proposed to. Maybe to the food which feeds him. Argh.

Man, I must say, that would have to be under the column of Bad Proposals. Man, don't joke when you propose okae? Marriage is not a joke. You should be serious. And holding someone hostage on stage so that she would have to say yes is not good. Yes, she probably said yes because she loves you more than anything else, and it might have seemed a good idea to propose in front of 200 odd people, but joking every chance you've got when it's not even funny? I, for one, would never do that. Ever. Maybe I won't even propose on stage. C'mon. Stages are for SHOWS. You want a crowd, get a MALL.

See what I mean? I am a crapped up person who only knows how to speak badly of people. Xi Xun said that I always managed to make her feel bad about herself. Shows how bad I really am. Damn. I am never going to suan Lee Xi Xun ever again!

Bye Bye KRT..
I went for the farewell dinner the J1s had for us at Marina Bay. We had steamboat!!

Well, nothing much to talk about it, really. It felt much better than the steamboat we had with the OG. I didn't expect to feel that. I didn't know I wasn't at ease then until now. Hmm.

Anyways, we played the Drum Mania and Para Para! Hahas.. turns out I am quite pro at Para Para. Lols.. looks like those times I played with Cheeks back in Bugis helped. They still had Boom Boom Fire! Ah.. brings back memories.. But we are no way near the real pros larh. I saw this girl just twisting here and there and getting really high scores. Like wow!

And Brandon is a closet Drum Mania pro. He was playing the Advanced mode and got a B! I couldn't even follow the lines with my eyes and he manages to hit them so fast. Man, I only managed to get a B in the Beginner Mode. But I beat Conrad and Wei Lun! Muahahahahas.. Oh, and they have the Tian Ti Guan Ce song which was really really nice. I want the song! Anyone got?

Well.. that was really the end of kayaking. We were thinking of joining the Dualthalon, but this is really the end of serious kayaking. No more. I was kinda jealous of the J1s having training when they were talking about it. Haix.. Sad.


So that was my disjointed blog entry of today. Ha.. Ming tian hui geng hao!