Monday, October 30, 2006
As I grow up, especially throughout the transition from secondary school to junior college, I find so more and more people around me start to harden and just really become clams in their own worlds.
We all become increasingly cynical as we grow up whether we like it or not. WSM was a case of someone who tired of the incessant complaints we have of the government and how it's not doing enough for the betterment of us. I began to understand a little of where she came from as I read the Straits Times today and started to ask: Why does the government have to foot the bill for poor students in NUS when even the alumni are not willing to do so? If we lived in the US, such inaction would not be rewarded with payouts. The situation would be simply work for your education or make do with social handouts for the rest of your life. Sadly Singapore has no such system, turning us into little puppies asking for more and more pedigree feed.
But that's not the point. I feel that it's as if that as we become smarter in the world's ways, we become more and more disillusioned, and our dreams get destroyed ever so slowly that we eventually lose them.
When I was really young, I wanted to be an actor. As in those really handsome guys you see on SBC or TCS like James Lye or Thomas Ong. I did become an actor when I grew up, on the Chinese Drama stage. But I know in my heart that I am not a good actor and I am typecast into 'comedy' due to the limitations of my expression which displays only 'whimsical' and 'quaint'. Then there's the typical reaction that parents would give that Lian would be all too familiar with: Theatre gets you nowhere.
I can't say my parents have been really supportive of anything I have done at all. A generation curse no doubt. Kayaking was too time-consuming, Chinese drama was too drama, BB was worthless because I couldn't appeal like others, NYJC is a shit school because they have shit-coloured clothes. These are the kinds of comments I get. I don't feel good, obviously, but I know she doesn't mean it (at least I hope).
It's precisely these hurts that would cause people to close up. If you stopped listening to these people, or stopped caring, you wouldn't feel like crying. And crying is bad right? And feeling that pain is bad.
Then there's the legendary bgr thing which everyone tries to boast of. Ouch, romantic hurt. It really hurts, I'm sure.. When you really unravel the layers and find that what's hidden beneath your preconceptions are merely romantic thoughts and basically rubbish of your wishful thinking, it hurts. Thus you'd stop putting yourself in the 'single and super available' status but in a 'don't want because there are so many important things in life' category. This might just be why Singaporeans aren't getting married. Old women in their 30s wake up one day telling themselves that they want to be single and available again, only finding that guys like young girls and not women past their fertile days. We are after all, creatures of nature and governed by survival. (Sense the cynicism?! Oh oh oh.)
But think this:
Is everyone out there just to harm you? The answer is, of course, no. Who in the world would live just so that they can irritate you? No one is so free, not with the A's coming up.
Is the aim of getting higher education for one to feel superior over others who did not have the opportunities or for us to help them? My mind is inclined to say that the sole aim of education is to serve an economic function to the government by meeting job needs so that we can continue to survive in a meaningless machine-like market. (alliteration!) But is that really true?
My point exactly is what you are thinking now. Be naive again! Be altruistic again! Believe in fairy tales again! It's so easy to intellectualise everything and assume to understand how the globe turns, coming up with theories like how Bush would always attack oil-rich countries hence ruling out a military strike on N. Korea and how people are becoming gayer.
This is perhaps why people in drama are so happy. They live out their utopia right in that black box of dreams and smiles while we strive with all our might to get out of the hole we dug for ourselves.
Okae.. this was not what I wanted to write, but it just came out. So what the heck!
Sunday, October 29, 2006
It is not difficult to see why many people are suaning her now. One wonders why a Harvard professor would have been rumoured to fall head over heels with her use of language. I guess either Lawrence was kidding, or Harvard professors are blinded by their love for everything that can make them seem superior to us (as is the theory hereabouts for eternity).
Never mind others. I shall say why I am personally incensed after reading her entry.
First and foremost, it's obvious that there are certain limits as to what a daughter of an MP should do. I don't believe reading complaint letters and publishing them on your blog so that you can slam it is exactly ethical. (Of course, that can be debated since the Internet is full of everything vulgar from pornography to bored bloggers.) It is quite horrendous to find that our MPs advocate such "breeding habits" in their homes. Shouldn't policy makers be imbued with morality and better judgment? Is this the result of our lack of contenders in our constituencies?
Second, what this girl calls "old ppl (40 and above)" and "crackpots. stupid crackpots. the sadder class" (the emphasis on 'stupid' is of my doing) and people of the "complement class" and "wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches" include my parents.
Because we don't earn more than $10000 a month, nor do we all speak Queen's English doesn't make us any less entitled to society's resources, and in Mr Derek Wee's case, the government, or specifically, his MP's help. If Ms Elitist read her Economics notes well (if she even takes the subject at all), she would have realised one of the macroeconomic goals of every government is to ensure equity in society, not breed an elitist class of green skirted tykes. If she read her History notes well, she would have realised that this elitist class of "intelligent" decision-makers who live loftily in their castles in clouds thrive, interestingly, in the Communist states Ms Elitist-arse asks Mr Derek to live in.
Note also that there are no such words as "undermotivated" but simply "unmotivated".
I am bloody peeved that she could have said that those people are crackpots. Do you know what crackpots are? They are drug-addicts. Low income does not equate marijuana! If we have drug deals in Singapore, it would be ecstasy scandals from high profile characters in our society.
Is it fair at all to ask those that have helped build up the Singapore economy; the majority of the working class of Singapore to burrow in silence to finance the salaries of our policy makers without their helping us out at all? Is it even minutely correct to, in the corner of your obscure mind, think that these people do not deserve better jobs and brighter futures?
The problems of unemployment in older Singaporeans and concerns of immigrant groups are real and should not be brushed off so lightly because Ms Wee was born with a silver spoon stuck in her mouth and that she so happens belong to RJC. I have many friends in the Humanities programme there, and being a Rafflesian myself, I question what could have happened to breed such noxious opinions. Are the expatriate teachers doing us more harm than good by importing their discriminations?
There is, of course, no longer any use in pursuing this matter. Thoughts are our own and they cannot be changed. I can only disagree with her, not make her agree with me. Apologies have flown around and one can only reflect on this matter as teenage folly and as precautionary tales to remind us never to think that we are of the better class of society and marginalise others who are less fortunate than us.
Perhaps we can also reflect on what went wrong in our education system as to have led to such dangerous thinking? Is my generation becoming snobbish and insolent because we are more blessed than the previous? Will Singapore become a dystopia in our hands?
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Because I am catching the K-Wave slow, I got quite obsessed with metal chopsticks recently. I actually asked Chow and Ms Pan if they knew where I could get my hands on a pair. Guess what I found out today?! I actually have 5 sets of them right in my own home in the utensils drawer. 5 FREAKIN' SETS!! OMG. Hahas.. So I kapok-ed one set and I am embarking on Mr Suan's recycling campaign to use the same chopsticks for all my meals to save on wooden ones =)
Anyways, I really wanted to blog about what I sms-ed today. Oh, I feel like my Chinese is chao powerful. So long never write le still so 棒. Hahas.. Here's the sms...
That was my attempt in explaining my restlessness these days, and I really think it's true. Many people face the same problem I think. But the revelation struck me hard yesterday that 'Waiting is really just another part of Life'. We actually spend more time waiting for things to happen then when they really do, so it's foolish to want life to be interesting and be on the move all the time. God puts us through boring and times of dryness so we can enjoy excitement and novelty when they come - in the form of NS next year!
After that sms I actually felt unexpected relief, like a weight lifting off me. Feel so much better now! =)
In other news, I spent 5 hours in BK today studying.. Didn't know I had it in me to mug for so long in one stretch. Hahas.. Econs again.. but I really feel super productive today. I will award myself next week with buying a shirt! Muahahahahas..
-echo- ahahahas.... -echo-
Friday, October 27, 2006
Back for an update before I plunge back into Econs. The last few days have been spent all on Econs such that I am beginning to get worried that the rest of my subjects are being neglected too much. Been going out to study too, so I've actually managed to do more as compared to when I was at home..
Hmm.. I have been taking photographs too! It was a pity that we couldn't go to the Canon Photo Marathon IV 2006.. I know I probably wouldn't win, but it would have been fun.. I loved this photo which won a Merit in the "History" assignment. There's a certain rustic feel to it which I still don't know how to photoshop. Haix.
Anyway, here are some things I saw these 3 days which caught my eye...
The ugliest Tweety ever! I really love Tweety of all Loony Tunes characters cos he's so cute and clever! But this one I saw at Popular in Northpoint was just disgusting.. The eyes are too big le larh!!
This was taken yesterday when I was whiling my time away with Chow and Ms Pan..
Grr.. you can't imagine the stress going out with them man.. Suaning and bitching at each other like crazy. Especially chow with his 'late-night syndrome'. He supposedly bitches a lot at night cos he goes cranky when he's tired. I have a better way of going cranky - I go silent. No [negative] externalities!
This I took today in Guthrie House at 6th Avenue while waiting for Mavis, Teckie's friend. I was out with Teckie and Chow after we went gymming. I thought this pattern looked really beautiful with the spiderweb effect and the light filtering in. I did some editing to show only the sky.. You should have seen the sky - GORGEOUS.
We were planning on going to Holland V but we had a loooonng wait, and the heavens decided to pour and Time wasn't merciful to us. Ended up going home after 50 minutes of mugging. Quite unproductive really. But that's compared to no studying at home. So I am glad.
I should have taken photos of the fuchsia/magenta chairs we saw at Sixth Avenue too.. They were really special because of how fugly they looked. I was telling Teckie that it's probably to stop people from stealing chairs from the kopitiam.. Interestingly, I saw similar plastic chairs in along Sembawang on my way home. Hahas..
This and the photo below were taken when we (the family) went to Clark Quay to celebrate Mummy's birthday at Jumbo. I superlove the roof they have installed and the fountain right outside Marrakesh!
I took a photo of the roof at night some time before.. but this is the "day version" of the photo.. Look at the patterns! Really really pretty. Alas, the camera-phone has limited panorama. No way I could take photos of the whole thing without driving myself to the ground in the attempt. I want Canon EOS 400D!!!! ='( Okae, stop dreaming.
This photo was taken right at the fountain I was talking about, together with JOY. I like taking photos with a story. Look how happy the dad is with his SON?!
I myself am beginning to love boys too.. No, not in a pedophilic way, but in a I-want-a-baby-boy-when-my-wife-to-be-gets-pregnant way. Aww.. they are just so cute!! And I established yesterday when I heard a baby girl scream that girls are just too screamy. Boys are better because they just shout and run around and - according to Teckie - claw at you. But hey, girls do that too.. so boys are better!
I don't think I ever got a chance to run through fountain with my own day, so this photo says a lot. Don't you just feel like having a family right here right now?! I wish I were in Africa or something! Then I can bring my kid to the Niagara Falls and we can run past it =D
Alas, family is still far away. One is about enough for me right now. I only hope my kids won't hate me when I become a father...
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I dedicate this to all the special someones in the world.. You know who you are.. And to you whom I am thinking of for no particular reason. =D
Click HERE to download this clip....
One More Moment
music composed and arranged by Ronin
Don't take too long to say
I love you to the ones you love
Cause time has a habit of slipping away
And out on a clear blue sky
When lightning strikes on a sunny day
Just take me in and keep me from the rain
And the words that seem so hard so say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say
That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment with you
Turn away to say goodbye
With each and every word that passes by
Like a distant memory
And time keeps slipping away
And time will turn to grey
And time will be the one who holds you down
Sometimes time will treat you bad
Before you even know what's wrong
And in the end it hits you hard
Please tell me you'll be strong
It's so boring!
I end up watching television and surfing the net.
What happened to my momentum?!
I need to mugg!!
6 days to meltdown.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Taken by Dezhi
Happiness is fleeting like childhood and we'll never know how much fun it was until we no longer have it and all that's left is a blurry reminiscence.
*This entry is so gonna contradict what I said on Friday*
Something in me has fundamentally changed this past few months. I can't quite pinpoint what happened or which particular day some switch in me flipped, but I know this: I can't feel as much as I did before. Even to the extent of not feeling.
Is this the consequence of growing up? If so, I don't want to grow up.
I remember a time when I used to be really nosey about everything. If someone posted an entry which sounded slightly depressing, I would just sms and ask what's wrong and what's up. Many things have changed since. I am not sure what an entry is trying to tell me anymore. It's either we are all beginning to blog without feel or I can no longer empathise as before.
You know, I always thought that empathy was a gift that God gave me, that I had the unique ability to put myself in other's shoes. That was true for a certain period of time, and I really felt my daring to ask what happened and try to listen or even solve their problems helped people.
As it now stands, I often wonder if things could ever be solved. I catch myself thinking that it's no use asking about it since I would not really be able to help in the first place. I stop smsing people asking about how they are because I know that somehow everyone has to deal with their own problems on their own as I have learnt over these 2 years. Not depending on others has taught me to not putting myself out there to lend a shoulder or a ear.
It was only in church today that I really confirmed what I feared for quite some time now. I don't feel anymore. Dr Khoo likes to tell us not to wait for our feelings and rely on them before we come before the Lord. I've never had such problems because I could always feel it. The pounding in my heart when I have a word, the thrill of worship.. Then I realised today that I don't have that anymore. Worship was still exciting, when I prayed to God I could still feel Him, but my heart didn't pound as before. It was only when I told God about this did I feel a little stirring.
Now, I don't presume to equate heart-pounding with emotion and feeling.. but this is what I have noticed lately.. That nothing much really moves me anymore. I don't feel like crying over anything, I don't feel extremely happy over anything, nothing. I hope it's just some pre-exam symptom..
But then as I said on Friday, what if I become an unfeeling bitch? As in.. what if I forget how butterflies could feel like, how love could be like, or how exhilarating being 'really happy' can be?
Maybe the only way to get my emotions back is to put myself out there to be ripped apart again. It might have been painful, but at least it was painful.. At least there was a romantic side to it. I want to be a bloody romantic, not a robot!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I am give SGD$70 per week by mummy dearest..
$20 goes to my handphone fund, which eventually goes back to ma because well... she paid for the phone. It's calculated that I need 25 weeks to pay back the full amount.
That leaves me with $50.
Because I want to be an abiding and radically obedient (hmm. does that sound a little oxymoronic?) Christian, 10% of that goes to tithes. That's $5 gone.
That leaves me with $45.
Because I want to go to the church camp at the end of the year, and because my mother doesn't want to pay for it for me, nor do I want her to spend any more money on me, I am saving $20 per week in the hopes of saving up to $300 by 12 Dec 2006. For this too, I will have to work during the December holidays.
That leaves me with $25. Now, that's only 50% of my allowance gone. Seems like a small percentage. But look at how much I now have per meal.
My family does not cook. Therefore, all my 3 meals are consumed outside, 24/7. Divide $25 by 7. That's $3.57 per day. 3 meals per day right? So how much do I get per meal? $3.57 divided by 3 is $1.20. The last time I checked, I can only buy lemon tea with this money.
It's amazing how I survived this week with money left to tithe. Haix..
Now for the economics standpoint. Why is there this phenomenon where the poor (me) do not save? Simply because the percentage of income used on daily necessities (like food!) are high. Not that I don't want to save. But how do I save when I have barely enough money to buy food?!
Singapore is such a society with meticulous saving habits that people like me are viewed as anti-social or even spendthrifts. Am I?
Thought it would be right for me to share and for YOU to do your part and light a candle!
Just go to lightamillioncandles.com to help them meet the target of 1 million candles by 31 December 2006!
-Mr Brown's entry trackback-
Friday, October 20, 2006
Anyway, about that entry.. I was in a different phase of my life then. Still pining over someone and the fact that I was leaving secondary school for JC. How far I have come! Life seems more boring now with no pulpitations and butterflies. Hahas..
I was actually thinking about this as I walked to Cristofori for piano lessons. I don't feel as much anymore. Like nothing much scares me that I can feel my heart beat, and nothing much stirs me that I can feel adrenaline rush. No more butterflies.. I was telling Peck Hor some time back about this too.. I don't feel anything much anymore.
As to the reason why, I have several theories..
1. I am growing old!!
2. Too tired to feel anything with the A's coming
3. Felt enough; numb already.
The third one feels especially resonant. Hmm..
But I take this as a good thing. This actually tells me that I am growing to be less naive. I tended to see things in eternity and in some idealistic manner. Now I know that everything's not that. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing turns out the way it should be. Pity, really.. But no matter. No one is dying over that here.
I just hope that I do not become immune to feelings as some have. And I hope that I still hope. The last thing I want is to become a cynical bitch which I have a reputation of. It's difficult to ascertain such things though. I have no control over the auto-mechanisms of my subconscious mind.
The point is (I know it's not very evident or does it appear anywhere before making this a very crappy statement..), things were so much more simpler when I saw things as black and white and pure. Now there's no turning back.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
An interview with Tan Long revealed the vileness of the entire situation:
"My sister was choking at home!!" says Tan Long. "My whole family very sensitive to these things one. Wah.. I almost died when I came here lorh!"
Meterological snapshots all over the city shows us just how badly visibility has been affected these few days due to the irresponsible hack and slash, slash and burn, crash and burn methods of the Indons.
Another interview with one Mr Lian reflected the sentiment of many in Singapore
What do you think about the haze?
Terrible! I am the kind of guy who gets really affected by the weather. I get groggy, headache -
all kinds of ailments associated with it.
Do you blame the Indons for it?
Nope. Though my maths teacher said something funny. She said PSI = please stop, Indonesia. Can you get it over and done with? So I can migrate to an air-con room. CAUSE I AM DYING UNDER THE IMMENSE HEAT.
Indeed. Along with the haze has brought sweltering weathers, exacerbated by the humid weather of the monsoon season. This reporter compares the weather outside to being in a furnace.
Later on in the day, our interviewee Tan Long shrieks in apocalyptic frenzy, "Look at the sun!" Sadly, there's nothing much to look at. All we see is a crimson dot the size of Singapore on a map of the sky.
Our resident scientist comments on this phenomenon in argument with another researcher:
"The haze produces a coat that keeps in the sun's heat, strengthening the greenhouse effect, superheating the air."
"Yarh.. the UV rays are trapped in the haze, bouncing here and there."
"That's why we are all tanned!"
The political will has been weak in Indonesia even with other ASEAN countries complaining about the annual condition. We can only hope that the monsoon will bring rain soon to stop those farmers and loggers from burning anything and bring down the haze!
So here's some advice: DON'T GO OUT! GO TO MALLS, GO TO MOVIES, JUST STAY IN!! Interestingly, this advice is echoed by the National Environment Agency of Singapore. "Persons.. should reduce physical exertion and outdoor activity."
Remember, stay home.
I am getting enlisted!! Yay! A chance to get to serve my country and to defend the good peoples of Singapore! - Right.
I was totally not expecting it cos most of my classmates got theirs last Saturday and Zhaoyu, Tan Long, Teckie and Rich were just talking about how they already received theirs. I was totally mentally prepared to get in in April! Grr.. wet blanket.
I was thinking about how I could become an apprentice at some French restaurant and eventually become a world famous culinary chef when I get out of the army and when I graduate. Or working at Coffee Club so I can earn enough money to buy all the things I want to buy like that Dolce and Gabanna suit I wanted!! Argh..
I am going in on the 13th of January. That is SO SOOON!!
According to the letter I am going into BMTC 1. My brother says it's the better school. Hahas.. Hope I get a white horse in my unit! Heehaw!
Apparently we don't get to charge the handphones we bring because the whole of Tekong runs on generators and they are afraid that too many chargers will overload the crap out of them. Hope my Samsung batteries will last.. I think I will go buy two more just in case..
They are giving us cool stuff too! Free swimming trunks is always a plus. Hope they give the right size! We are getting the really cool ARMY PT kits too, and stainless fork and spoon. Hmm.. I was wondering why they are not afraid we might kill each other with the fork. You know how prisons and airplanes no longer have metal spoons? I always thought the same would apply with the army. Evidently not. Then again, what's a fork when you've got M16s and SIGs?
Okae, I am sounding super hyped up. Hahas. Just hope I get into OCS and get all the moolah! I am money-crazed right now. I need money!!!
I thought it particularly relevant and interesting since I was blogging about Flags Of Our Fathers yesterday.. I haven't had the time to finish watching everything, so I thought I'd post the link up here so that I can remember it, and you can watch it too.
It's amazing what YouTube is doing for people. The spoofs and funny videos aside, this new media has brought about a new outlet for people just like Martin to share things we would otherwise never have known. Hopefully it's going to do the same for many other people as time goes by..
Here's the vids..
Toodeloo, and ciao!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Here's what caught my eye today:
Why Not Seeing Is Believing
I disagree with Andrew Sullivan on some points: Jesus is perfect okae! Perfection does not stop you from feeling pain though.. it's not doubt that caused Jesus to go into isolation or to cry out the bitter abandonment by God before He drew His last breath. Then again, we do know that the heavens and the world were darkened at that moment..
I disagree, also, with the view that we should be moderate believers, choosing some aspects of the religion over others. That's not proper doctrine! That may make social (i.e. responsible to the society) people but not godly people.
What I really liked about Sullivan's essay is the call for 'moderation', and a healthy view of doubt as faith-strengthening instead of faith-defeating. Indeed, we cannot understand the nature of God fully. In other words, it is folly to claim anything in the name of God.
He also disapproved of the world's obsession with "truth". I guess it is true (hahas.. pun!) that we have forgot to be Christians in our attempt to act Christian. Instead of being kind and friendly and Christ-like, we have shifted focus to how we and others should live our lives. That's precisely what Jesus warns us against in the incident when he first met Mary Magdalene and asked anyone who has not sinned to cast the first stone.
Ask A Gay Man: Fashion Edition
Apparently there's this guy out there giving fashion advice to all the fashion idiots out in the world. It's really kind of funny. In the first place, he's not gay (at least that's what he says in his MySpace). Second, he bitches like crazy about everything. I know, that's not nice behaviour, but it's funny to watch! Not to mention he does give some sound advice too..
Do watch his other videos too.. Apparently there are Baking Edition, Hair Edition, blah blah blah.. I didn't bother with them..
Flags Of Our Fathers
I really want to catch this movie when it comes out in Singapore. It's about World War II and the battle in Iwo Jima and the iconic photo of 6 men raising the American flag at the highest point in Iwo Jima.
This photograph eventually became the symbol for American war effort in WW2 and the movie tries to portray how the soldiers and the raising of the flag was used by the politicians to rally support for the war and to encourage the American people to buy war bonds in a time when support for the war was flailing.
It is interesting to note the parallels with what is happening in American today what with the Bush Administration declaring 'Mission Accomplished' quite some time back even before they pulled out of Iraq, and how support for the Iraq war is now down to almost nil.
Clint Eastwood also tried to portray the idea of heroism. I guess there was irony in the sense that the men who raised the flag and were called back to promote the war were labelled 'heroes' while the real heroes were really those still fighting the war.
Beloved punctuation of the day:
Ah, the full-stop. Weapon of choice to silence others by showing your crispness (i.e eagerness to end the conversation.)
Don't you think italics in pink look super pretty? :)
See how the conversation has no other way of continuing until the other party initiates another topic - hopefully of quality?
Okae.. That's it from me today..
Stay happy amidst difficulties and jiayou okae? =)
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Right now, I'm just blogging because I don't feel like I want to sleep yet. I know if I plop down on my bed, Zhou Gong is going to hit me with his hammer so hard that I would fall asleep immediately, but I am just not ready to sleep. That's a first! Hahas..
See, if I had a label in my blog, I can put this under "emo shit"! But I don't. =( I want!!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
This follows the setting up of the P65 MPs' blog which was announced in the news 2 days ago. The government is finally starting to see the tsunami, it seems. Unlike traditional media like print and broadcast media, the Internet provides endless opinions in such massive quantities that it is almost impossible to censor. Herein lies the danger. Of course, we know that it's the popular blogs that are dangerous because the larger the audience, the greater the divergence from policy 'truth'.
I took a little tour in the BlogTV site, and found it rather refreshing. The first question they posted ever was whether blogging is a manifestation of our exhibitionistic condition. Unfortunately, I couldn't comment because I use a Mac (Such marginalisation!). Well well, luckily I have a blog to rant to!
In my opinion, yes - blogging is a form of exhibitionism. Why do we blog? Why do I rant and whine?
ONE: It has become easier for one to type on the laptop than to write in a diary.
TWO: We actually want someone out there to read our blog and comment on our lives.
THREE: We desire consensus to our ideas - we want them to be heard - and herein lies the exhibitionism.
FOUR: We want to become famous by bitching like Xiaxue (?)
FIVE: Vent our frustrations!! Like bite off the head of your boss in your blog and photoshop his face with lots of zits and humungous blackheads. (That's really what I do.. though I have no boss. Hmm..)
That is about all I can think of.
I disagree however, that this form of exhibitionism is bad. Personally, blogging is a healthy psychological outlet for stress. Countless rants of wanting to commit suicide actually prevents one from doing so because of the relief it brings. Self-reflection after crises or tragedies bring about greater clarity in life.
To be able to share a facet of your life with others online is a cool thing if nothing else. The fact that we can now write what we think of and have others agree or disagree is a boost to writing confidence. Of course, this is desired but hardly attained. My blog for one, has no one commenting much on what I write, perhaps because I write of nothing of importance. However, think Mr Brown. Blogging has more or less become his career with The Mr Brown Show and he has never looked back. I do many other bloggers injustice by the sheer ignorance of many more blogs out there. But I know so many more out there has blogging as a part of their lives.
What this is, is the coming of a new age of journalism - that of the civilian journalist. Anyone with a camera, with an opinion, with a computer and the Internet can write an article about any subject matter and have readers. The antithesis of established media; the balance for media is born! (-wahh!!!-)
Of course, blogs as a news source can never be fully reliable because of just this nature. Defamation without solid evidence is so easy in a virtual world consisting only of words and often malleable photographs. In this sense, we need to apply our common sense and judgement to sift out the truth from a whole myriad of junk. Conventional news sources would then be the authority and backing for such 'sense'. The more we learn, the less we know it seems. Opinions so often affect people emotionally, and we just have to learn to see things objectively. (Was talking to teckie about this today. Hm.)
It is absurd to fault others for their opinions. But that is what happens in intolerant societies. Are we moving toward tolerance to the extent that blogs will no longer be under close scrutiny for political correctness and absence of racial slurs? I believe the clamps are just coming closer to home. Exposing your biases on the tube? Already we are starting to lose the anonymity which the Internet offers and the diminished responsibility that follows.
Friday, October 13, 2006
There was no pompous send-off, no awe-inspiring speeches that made me think about the true meaning of education, there wasn't even a quality tear-jerking video. Two alumni members graced us with their presence by sharing work experience and little about the memories they had about Nanyang, Mr Kwek joked in his short speech which included (you guessed it) the usual 'do you best for the A's' rhetoric. Ryan Eremus Something irritated me just by being on stage as the valedictorian. Who chose him in the first place? Did the graduating batch have a choice? Cos if we did, or more correctly, if I did, I wouldn't choose him. I would choose me. =P
What replaced all the grandeur and pomp I hoped for was laughter. The video wasn't good in any sense of the word, but we had lots of fun laughing at the silly antics of the teachers. Mr Haniss actually looked quite nervous in front of the camera! Of course there was the thousand-handed-buddha thingie which the Physics department tried to pull off.. I was a little disappointed that I didn't actually get to see Mrs Chan talk on her on though.. Mr Wan was funny by being self-deprecating, being number 1 in the Chem department's presentation.. I could actually sense the immense amount of goodwill emanating from the teachers.
Of course there was plenty of joking around amongst the students. And thanks to Mrs Chan's gift of link-puzzles, the whole duration at the hall never had a dull moment. We were swapping puzzles to solve and all..
The refreshments later on helped me to solve my no-money-for-lunch problem. But wow, the school catered so little!! The bee hoon ran out in a flash and Lester was gobbling up all our spring rolls. There was plenty of photo-taking from everyone.. that includes me! After all, I don't think we would be meeting again anytime soon as a class. It's not as if we will all conscientiously turn up for Math on Monday. Well.. here are the photos!!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I am starting to think that I can do better for the coming A's after gaining the momentum to study yesterday. The many practice papers that the college has been making me do did expose my many lapses in revision, but in a sense I do feel as if I can face it now. Learning and changing as I go now!
The day wasn't rive with problems about the prom either. Seriously, I was quite surprised that Peck Hor would eventually be alright with Genial. I expected him to be more stubborn about it. Hmm.. he seems to have changed to become more easy-going since earlier this year. That's good..
Other than that, I got my result slip today! It's final: D D D D. Gee.. bad omen eh? Dead Dead Dead Dead. But that's better than I thought, and I am quite alright with it. I know I can do better than that in the A's. Soon enough you will see a straight A student right before you!!!!
Hmm.. I got to learn how to make straw stars from Alicia too! It's really quite cool. You just fold and fold, and then.. tada!!
A star is born!!
This was made from Jun Xiong's straws. He was the guy who got me interested anyway because he was doing all these stars.. Hmm. He might be making like 3344 or 521 of these stars for someone bah. Hahahahahas... wah. Reminds me of the time when I bothered to fold stars. So silly. Hahas..
We took some photos while studying also..
So yeah.. it was an altogether fun day with Mr Kwek cracking us up with his antics during his speech at assembly. Wah. When did I go from hating his reforms to laughing at this quirkiness? Time has really past quickly eh? One more day to the end of school days ever. Doesn't feel like it at all..
Hope I get more of such days to share!
And Blogger people, if you are reading this, I am not operating a spam blog!!!! grr..
Monday, October 09, 2006
If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?
And yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin' to make his way home?
If God had a face what would it look like?
And would you want to see if, seeing meant
That you would have to believe in things like heaven
And in Jesus and the saints, and all the prophets?
Back up to heaven all alone
No, nobody calling on the phone
No, just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I can't be put in a situation where I have to initiate topics to talk about. Cos I can't. Shuying was the person doing most of the asking. And I bet my monosyllabic or otherwise plain answers were irritating. There's just no common topic I guess.. I really pulled out the haze, but it lasted less than 3 minutes I think. Super awkward.
Pam saved us by being a friend of Shuying and friend of Dezhi. So at least she could talk to both people having more history with each one of us. Managed to pull some sort of a conversation at Starbucks. I guess people really need to meet to have normal relationships. SMS doesn't work! Shuying was looking quite sian most of the time.. it might have been tiredness, I guess (positive thinking!). Her hei yan quan was really black. Never sleep well ba. But I am not in the business of asking people to sleep early and have sweet dreams anymore. No one listens I surmised.
We ended up eating at Lerk Thai and the nice durian mousse at Han's (with Shuying saying 'nice right?' all the time). Went shopping around Marina Square after that, which made everything funner..
Thinking about it, it turned out quite okae.. but I don't think I would dare do it again. Sometimes it's better to let things lie bah. I really can't bring myself into a high mood in front of her. 2 years is all it takes to make everything different, I guess.
Regretted not taking a photo together.. might not get to meet again le ba.. Gee.. why am I sounding so weird and solemn? But hey, at least I got to see her smile! Always great to see old friends smile. =)
So that's about that. Yeah.. gee.
I arrived at church in a weirded mood. I wasn't too happy with the fact that I actually missed the bus that morning. Worship was really bad for me because I couldn't feel the presence of God at all. I was singing the words and just stopping after a while because it became so difficult to even sing. I felt nothing. It wasn't even frustration.. Just difficulty.
Naturally, I didn't get any messages from God during the call. Then I asked God why I was feeling that way and prayed to have that feeling lifted off me. It didn't really work immediately because I remained rather moody throughout the sermon.
How my mood was eventually turned, I never realised. But I knew that the call was for me when Dr Khoo talked about the revival of passion in life that comes with receiving the word of God. I didn't answer the call because I felt the need to work things out on my own. Hmm.. I actually told God that I wanted to try working it out myself.
And so I did.. I began to see that a lot of my problems in school work, even piano, lies in the fact that I have enthusiasm in spurts but not passion in the all-consuming sense. I do not view things to have an impact on others or me.
This results in apathy and perhaps less than sufficient practice and work done.. Bad bad bad..
So here's my challenge!: To find passion in the things I do. Gambatte ne!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Things have been rather hectic lately, what with the A's coming right up everyone's asses. Us folk are all holed up in our solitary worlds trying to work out the best strategy to trump the winter markers in Cambridge. I can't say I have been succeeding in my attempt. Studying has been going real slow with the mind games I play with myself. I just can't seem to focus!
Have you ever gotten this before? When you are in a situation where you know that it is impertinent that you do something, yet you don't. You procrastinate hoping that the A's would somehow disappear or be declared cancelled due to the hazardous haze levels. I've been talking about this since a month ago, and it doesn't seem to be letting up. Denial. How dangerous is that?
I thought that awareness would have brought about some change in how I handled the situation. I was talking to Teck Heng about this some days ago. Doesn't awareness mean that you are no longer plagued by your troubles? What kind of denial is it if I am not denying it? I guess my engine just needs to be started and be shifted to high gear.. Drips and drabs ain't gonna cut it anymore.
Of course, I've had to deal with other things apart from the mugging for A's. The umbrella issue still haunts me. Somehow I cannot accept the fact that my family is not as wholesome as I wanted it to be and I can do nothing to change it. How everyone seems dead set on walking down a destructive path and never turning back to see the little flowers that once bloomed at the sides.. Dealing with that takes time, I guess.
I'm meeting Shuying tomorrow! That would be the nth time where n is less than 10. It's amusing to me how I know someone I have met less than 10 times in 3 years. How is it even being sustained? What am I going to bring to the table? We'd probably have no common topics except for life and the weather. Thank God the weather would leave us plenty to talk about, I imagine!
"Okae.. wow, the weather sucks."
"Yeah.. the indonesians are trying to farm on their volcanoes again"
"Cool.... erm. What about you? How was prelims?"
"That sucked too."
"Oh.. hmm. Nice coffee."
That's probably cos we might be just sitting around in a coffee place. Gee. I hope my drama gene acts up tomorrow, or it would be as frigid as Queen E.
Apart from that, I was also surprised at how petty I am this week. Or rather how affected I am by buta chan. Can't explain my behaviour totally now, but I guess I really took offence that I wasn't really a friend? I don't have many friends, so like Sam Soon, 我对每个人都是付出真心的。付出真心！ I guess not being reciprocated hurts even though we should not ask for reciprocation. See? It ain't easy being me. It's like having pms-like sensitivity all the time, without being able to turn it off.
Of course, I don't think it's anyone's fault. I was just thinking about this as I was peeing. I can't blame anyone for feeling so disconnected. Mostly it's just me. But damn it hurts.
I've been getting epiphanies though.. That it's about time that I really place my whole life in God. For so long I have held on to the reins, not wanting to give it up. Maybe it's time. I had a picture of trying to run away from a wall with a resistance band tied to my waist. The wall was sin and I was trying to escape, but alway being pulled back. Then Hsia Pin and Eunice gave words about discouragement. I didn't respond to the call though.. It's much more than disappointment. It's ambivalence. I don't really know how to feel about what I am facing right now. I hate my grades; I am doing nothing. I want to be happy; I am not working for it.
There is no easy solution. I know what I have to do. But will I?
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO CREATE
Isn't that something? It sort of pin-pointed to the problems I am having now, of not knowing tomorrow from today, and not having the drive to continue doing this mindless work of study which I know I have to continue doing in order to move on to other mindless work in the future.
It is strange that the days right after the preliminary examinations are also one of the periods when I discover the most about myself. A sort of mental journey, really, through myself and what lies behind what I think.
Grades are important to me. I see them as a representation of the progress I made, hence the neverending anguish over the highly unsatisfactory results. There is also pride involved. The need to do good to prove it to myself. Right now there are external factors such as the inability of my family to afford another SIM student.
I found out just how sensitive I can be at the same time. Sensitive in the bad sense of the word, as in overtly-. There also exists a certain craving for attention, though not strongly. Many of my actions reflect such psychology. Such actions include the sudden enthusiasms and dips in mood I experience. It is quite frightening to me how I am not fully in control of how I feel and that's what I am trying to work on lately - don't feel the things I don't want to feel. The fact that my life is mine to create comes as an encouragement, because it means that I have to power to change my circumstances and my predicament to turn it into something that I would like. Very Oprah.
Well, I am glad things happened the way they did. All things recently. Or I would never discover the better side of things. Like what Jason Mraz sings in his song, "Life is Wonderful",
"It takes some good to make it hurt; It takes some bad for satisfaction".
What I have to do now is just what I had to do for the past two years but haven't fully - MUG.