悟。

"Your life is yours to create." spoke the television today. The show was on something about Sartre and his existentialism. It soon became too heavy for me to watch as it moved on the other philosophies like humanism and the evolution of neo-humans (wtf?). But that sentence really spoke to me. Let me just bold and italicise it....

YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO CREATE

Isn't that something? It sort of pin-pointed to the problems I am having now, of not knowing tomorrow from today, and not having the drive to continue doing this mindless work of study which I know I have to continue doing in order to move on to other mindless work in the future.

It is strange that the days right after the preliminary examinations are also one of the periods when I discover the most about myself. A sort of mental journey, really, through myself and what lies behind what I think.

Grades are important to me. I see them as a representation of the progress I made, hence the neverending anguish over the highly unsatisfactory results. There is also pride involved. The need to do good to prove it to myself. Right now there are external factors such as the inability of my family to afford another SIM student.

I found out just how sensitive I can be at the same time. Sensitive in the bad sense of the word, as in overtly-. There also exists a certain craving for attention, though not strongly. Many of my actions reflect such psychology. Such actions include the sudden enthusiasms and dips in mood I experience. It is quite frightening to me how I am not fully in control of how I feel and that's what I am trying to work on lately - don't feel the things I don't want to feel. The fact that my life is mine to create comes as an encouragement, because it means that I have to power to change my circumstances and my predicament to turn it into something that I would like. Very Oprah.

Well, I am glad things happened the way they did. All things recently. Or I would never discover the better side of things. Like what Jason Mraz sings in his song, "Life is Wonderful",
"It takes some good to make it hurt; It takes some bad for satisfaction".

What I have to do now is just what I had to do for the past two years but haven't fully - MUG.