so long, beloved.

It's finally come to this. A little more than 6 hours to check in, and I haven't really begun to pack my luggage yet. Well, the gortex jacket just went in, if you really want to know the details.. and I had to vacuum my brother's kit bag cos mine was destroyed when we came back from Taiwan the other time.

I am feeling quite apprehensive about the whole thing, and I was moody for the most of these past two weeks because of this. I mean. It's 2 months! In two months so many things can happen.. I am so rooted now to my job and my home that I cannot imagine transplanting myself to some foreign country for so long.

Top of my worries now is how my grandmother will be doing.. She just got admitted into the hospital 2 days back because she had a heart attack in the middle of the night. The doctor says that she would have to get a stent to clear the artery.. But I know what happens when old people go to the hospital... I mean. She is quite old now. I really don't know if she can take such a big surgery. The doc said that they would have to do a scope first to determine the extent of the damge. And that will be done next week. In my heart I'm thinking. What if something happens, and I am not here?

You know, it's really sadistic of us to want to see our loved ones die in our culture. And it's supposed to be filial to do so. I don't know.. I just hope that it doesn't happen any time soon. I mean, I know people have to die, and she is of age now, so it can be any time, but I really don't know what will happen when she does go. How will the dynamics of our already weirdly strained extended family change again?

The old are really the strings that hold all of us together. Without them, we are just like floating debris, drifting without purpose.

Then of course, I worry for my RQ. I doubt she will be able to handle the massive amounts of shitwork (sai gang) I left behind for her. Not to mention the fact that she is still sick. Frankly speaking, I think I am a selfish bastard for being glad that she is back to cover the work. What she has is so much more important than all these silly account balancing and talking to other poeple about unresolved crap.

What she really needs to do is to stay at home and rest and love her children, go with her daughter to Australia to look at the university, go with her son to the golf course and watch him play. Those things. Not slaving for a job that can only kill you.

Now that I am about to leave, there would be no one to guard them anymore. I know, staying here means little too.. But at least in my little way, I would have been able to look from a distance and help out if I can. Now that I'm gone, everything is left in the cruel hands of Fate.

Hopefully when I come back, everything would be alright. =)