total randomness.

Once again, the free day was spent on the usual things that free days are spent on. Mindless searching of videos to watch (CSI this time), playing Viwawa until I get bored of people playing slow mahjong, and just a little bit of reading the periodicals which I so often neglect.

I was supposed to go out with Pamela today, but the rain got in the way. I guess there was a part of me that didn't want to go out as well. I just want to rot at home. =) Oh wells. I don't know.

I am beginning to feel the dullness of my brain. I don't think so much anymore. So much of Army involves just doing, following instructions. My mental knife is no longer sushi-cutting-sharp. It's more like a chicken chopper now. Argh. How sad.

Perhaps I should venture into story writing.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy with a special power. He
could read people's minds. Of course, as with any other superhero story,
this boy was not born with such a power. He developed it. Kind of
like how Spiderman developed his webshooting skills when a spider bit him.
For this boy, Keane, he was hit by a radioactive van when he was 9. The
van was carrying polonium for the new reactor they were going to build in the
next town. Somehow the polonium leaked into the container....

Whatever.

You know, in life, there has to be something that you can hold on to. Everyone needs that one thing. Some people find it in love, some people find it in friends. Others find it in values, and yet others find it in God.

I sort of lost that for a moment. I didn't really know what I was doing here for. In fact, I still don't fully know. I know I have to be a good officer. I know I should be filial to my parents and elders. I know right from wrong. But so what? Some time back, everything became very grey for me. Routine and mundane. There was no stimulus in my life. I can see no growth. Perhaps this is what the Army makes of people. Drowning us out by regimentation and 101 guides to whatever you can ever think of. There is a dearth to it all...

Just then, someone told me that this is all a trial and a temporary assignment. That I should keep faith. Keep believing in the good things. Keep believing in God.

Then I realised. Did I stop believing in God and His promises? I was starting to get jaded because the world is so different from how I saw it to be. People are not helpful and supportive as I thought they would be. Not everyone works to their best ability. The world's stand is to do just enough to scrap through and to cover your own ass and fend for yourself. It's so tiring to fight it. To want to help only to be seen as a fool wasting my time.

I want to feel alive again. To laugh heartily. To really believe in the good. But maybe it's time to grow up. Growing up. I hate it already.