Reflections

As you know, I haven't been in my best mood. Amazingly, God has shown be several things today. Just thought I should write it down before it gets washed away by everything else flooding my brain.

Let's start from the most recent, shall we?

I actually sms-ed Jamie and told her that I was feeling emo. I guess I was just exclaiming it out loud for the sake of it. Or maybe I was being a glutton for punishment.. Hm. Anyway, I was telling her how I felt that I don't belong..

Really. Do you get such bouts of surreality? Like everything you have ever done or touched dies; like you are never good enough; like you just suck. Hahas.. That's some self-loathing part of me speaking.

I just realised that I just am not the kind of person who gets very involved. In anything at all. Socially, primary school seems to be a distant thing in the past now.. I haven't even been keeping in contact with Pamela and Shu Juan. Really close friends are only the gang. Even then, we don't do much together. I am just an oddball, like some extra long thorn sticking out of a durian. Church.. well, let's just say I keep to myself.

Perhaps the closest thing I've got is an OG. Then again, it's falling apart. Every one leads their own life. Everyone has to fend for themselves. What of S6A? Well, I really don't know. I guess I've had good friends in the girls, in Jun Xiong, Peck Hor, Jin Yuan, Genial..

Anyway, so this is what Jamie concluded for me. I am selfish, and so is everyone else. Hmm. So I shouldn't expect anyone to give a shit, I concluded for myself. Then I said that even if you tried caring for others, they wouldn't appreciate it, as I have found out over past experiences. Now, she said this key thing: "See? The fact tt you actually do wonder if ppl apreciate what you do. You are self centred. Oh wells." Then I was like, "woah". I thought that to myself of course.. Thinking about it, that's quite true.. Maybe I am a self-centred bastard, not giving a shit about others.

All the while I was fretting how my stroke probably sucks, how I don't twist, how I am going to screw up my midyears, how I am probably a social wreck. All this while. When I could have been thinking how others are. Man..

Then again, I have discovered for myself that people don't want you to care. Yes, they do, on a deep level, but they don't know how to react to it when you do. So weird things happen. They don't want to tell you anything. They shrug you off. The way I normally put it to people who try to probe about me, "you won't understand". Well.. for the person who is actually trying to shower the concern, it's a sign to back off. What else can I do? Again, listening and giving one's opinion solves nothing. Anything has to be solved by the protagonist. All I can do is listen. But how? Hm.

Okae, I don't know if you followed at all. Maybe I would move on to the 2nd thing God showed me.

It is really the title of this post. Reflection. The magazine auntie Hwee Kiaw gave me was littered with that word. Thinking about what's going on in your life. That's exactly what I am trying to do. Find out why I am feeling emo, why I have negative thoughts in my head, and how the hell do I switch it off.

God also told me that he would be faithful till the very end. Even as we are faithless enough to be whining about nothing at all, God remains faithful. Even as I am here, feeling drained, feeling down, God is here with me. So I have to somehow shift my self-centred egotism to God-centredness.

I know that things would get better. But I also know that I would come back here again wondering why no one cares. Why I don't belong. Why everything in my life seems to be just sufficiently screwed up for me to sigh and not enough for me to die. Perhaps I would know what to do then. I hope I do...