Dreaming away..

Image from Firda

It seems like I've been stuck in a dream all my life, whiling my time away.

I'm actually blogging about my guilt of not studying, while blogging to excuse myself from studying. Ingenious eh? I haven't really waken up to the idea that the examinations are 2 days away, and I actually have no time to finish anything at all. A major part of my brain probably subconsciously thinks I can make it. Hmm..

All my life, I have thought of escaping from here, wherever here is. I never really thought of how my life is good, only of "if only's". It's time I changed that. It's time I stopped dreaming of living in a house with a big green pasture for a backyard, with a rocking chair on the patio and a piano.

I haven't been putting effort into achieving my dreams. I wanted to learn piano because I always pictured myself being able to play when I am old; to play for my family and loved ones. Many have asked why, but I never dared say. Why? Maybe it's pointless to share, or maybe I didn't want to.

When I was young, I imagined love to be able to sit with your wife in the living room watching tele, or just enjoying each other's presence. Right now, I don't really know what I think of love. It's a convoluted idea now. Being grown up lost me my clarity, though it gave me broadness of mind. Knowing more, yet at the same time, being sure of less.

Someone once told me that there's no right or wrong in anything. I never agreed with that. I believed that something is wrong when it's wrong. Yet, is that so? Smoking is bad for you, is it wrong? Drugs are bad, are they bad? If they are, why do doctors use them? Why are they existent in every single society? Externalities. Economics makes it sound as if everything is a commodity of which the world allows a certain 'ideal' amount. Is that so?

Told xx yesterday that I am too complicated for relationships. I can't get past myself. How true. How did we survive, my sister, brother and I? How did we get so emotional and complicated about everything? It's easy to blame someone for all the angst and maybe anger and indifference we feel. But didn't he do what he thought was right too? Was it really his choice to be unable to fully provide for us? I ask myself that. That's why I try not to provoke him, to still treat him normally. What's past is past right?

Am I thinking myself to death? Lost 2 more kgs when I weighed myself today. It's freaking me out. Not that I am complaining that I am sub-70 kg now. But.. I don't know. Who cares?

No matter what I say, it would still feel good if someone gave a shit. More like, actually, I miss caring for someone else. At least that would mean I am not here alone.