14

I called back on Saturday evening to find that my grandmother was hospitalised again. Ma said that she was having fits of being stiff and unresponsive in the mornings. They couldn't really figure out what was wrong even though they suspected stroke.

After the death of 2 grandfathers and 1 grandmother, with 2 of such deaths being so recent, I would have thought that I should be numb to the fact that there is nothing we can do to prevent Death from claiming my sole remaining grandparent. Yet I still dread this looming doom.

Since my other grandmother died, I guess I have unconsciously distanced myself from Ma Ma as we affectionately call my paternal grandmother. I couldn't really take her not remembering me in her Alzheimer's or my uncle trying to make her remember me, thereby highlighting the fact that she doesn't. That was especially painful for me.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be like when life comes to an end for me. How exactly does Ma Ma feel? Does all we do in our life culminate to that one moment where we take our last breath? What goes through her mind each day? When I reach that day too, what will my kids do to me? Will I also amount to a mindless burden in their eyes, only fit for coaxing reserved for babies? It must be miserable for her.

I only hope that I will be able to get back home in time... Yet. Is that a selfish thought?

I have sometimes thought if life is worth living if each day is misery. Is MK right to think that it's better to die young? Perhaps. After all, the longer we live, the more regrets we live with. Isn't it better for life to end when it's the most beautiful than when everything has withered and is past? Then again, wouldn't that be part of what we should experience too?

I guess I will never ever have any answers until I do. Until then, I just pray that everyone's safe from harm back at home.