I'm feeling stupid again. Stupid as in emo stupid, not dumb stupid, you stupid!
The past week in camp has been highlighted by the feeling of being alone in this world. There's Zhixue calling his girlfriend every night beside me, Nai Cheng calling his mum everyday across the room, Yongshan calling his friends, and then there's me, not calling anyone, not really smsing anyone because I think I am a nuisance.
Then there's the thought of having no one out here since my family is absorbed in their own little worlds where we don't really care for each other in a very apparent sense, and the rest of the people are in camp in SAFTI.
How did I end up with so little friends I can talk to after living for 18 odd years?
I know why. It's not that I can't talk to my friends. It's me. I'm the person thinking that I'm a nuisance. The only thing preventing me from calling people is my unwillingness to. Why????
I can't really explain it. Maybe I don't want to depend on others. Because if talk to others too much, I might just like it, then I would be even more miserable when those people are not there for me to talk to. And that goes in a vicious cycle. Argh.
Oh wells. The only way out is to stop being silly I guess..
It's pride man. Wanting to feel important in someone else's life. That's pride like what Uncle Kuan Yew preached about today. How to I get past it? Do I want to get past it?
In time I will just forget about this I guess.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
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