Reflecting..

The unemployed life seems to make time go a lot faster. A little bit of playing The Sims 3 and a whole afternoon is gone. I seem to be doing so much less though. All the plans to run every day seems to be backfiring. Hahas..

There's still a teeny weeny bit of the 'down' feeling left. I realised that a huge part of it comes from my having so little confidence in myself, and how I saw that the people around me don't really have faith in me. The funny thing is that I got to see this from a DotA game..

Hahas.. you see, I was never really good at the game, mainly because I refused to invest too much time in mastering the denying and farming stuff that makes one better at the game. I realised at our last DotA session though, that I was really sensitive about others criticising my gameplay. The truth is, a sucky player doesn't like others to say that he is sucky. I see that now. Sorry friends for being an ass!

I was also a little sad that when I was battling this personal inner struggle thing, there was no one to pick me up. Which is just as well, you know. Makes it a better stronger lesson. There wouldn't be someone to pick me up all the time. Is this how my brother and uncle felt? That no one cared even though we never told anyone? It's a paradoxical thing to feel for sure, but it's so real that it's quite disturbing.

Ultimately, I really want to thank Dr Khoo for his message on Sunday. It somehow pulled me out of the whole thing and told me to focus on Abandoning my old ways, Adjusting my life to Jesus, and Asking God's opinion. Which really seems little at first glance, but is so deep when I think of it. Because really, this bout of 'whateveryoucallit' is really me hanging on to my old ways, and refusing to let go isn't it?

I'm still learning and trying to get rid of my little and large quirks. God willing!