I Think I.

There is so much to say; I don't know where to start.

I am not happy. Why exactly eludes me.

I haven't written a good piece of article for a long time now. I feel inadequate. It's as if I have been writing about the same things over and over again, and that's all there is to me.

I am not thinking. Should I not concern myself with the beheadings in Thailand or the Olympics and presidential elections next year? What am I doing with my life? I am purposeless. I am alone more than I am purposeless.

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I went visiting my grandmother again today. She is getting better. She talks now, and she looks me in the eye. According to my uncle, she recognised him and my brother in the afternoon; she called my auntie her sister when I went there today.

"I know, I know," and "Go home early" is all she said to me. I don't think she recognised me. It is painful to see her like that. All I can hope for is her fast recovery after transferring to Ang Mo Kio hospital.

She's my favourite grandparent. I remember when I was young, she used to tug us into sleep, and she would talk to my grandfather in Hainanese until we slept. My grandfather would bring us out to buy toys or little things we took fancy on, and my grandmother would always stay at home doing the housework, getting us to eat all the food which never seems to run out. The funny thing is that she doesn't do the cooking. Hahas..

Our relationship started to get worse as I grew up. Never in a bad sense, but in a more distant sense. We moved back home, and went to my grandparents' place less. I guess I seldom took the effort to go down regularly either.. Things just changed after my grandfather died.. The life in the place was sucked away by his death.

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The block leave which the SAF gives seems to be too much. I have nothing to do without an RO telling me what to do. I hope the next ten days would not be like today: Rotting away at home after helping out BB in their hike.

The weird model guy actually called me to go for some gig tomorrow night. But I turned him down. I think he was quite pissed off with me. Not that I care. I shall put myself at the beck and call of anyone.

But wow. I never expected that he would really call. He must be desperate. lol.

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I stand at the edge of a cliff and scream. No one ever hears. Even if someone does, what can she do? My life is mine to bear. Tired; hoarse. I stop screaming. The silence is comforting. Just let me hold on to this solace forever. Shhh...