Pride.

If only you saw the look on Uncle Simon's face this morning. It was golden. It was pride. The warm feeling of seeing your son accomplish something. Chee Kit was executing some very nice drum rolls during worship. Wonderful for a newbie. Truly amazing.

Perhaps the reason why the 3 of us turned out to be such defeatists is probably because our parents never did show such pride in us before. At least not to us. It was always, "Why didn't you get better?" or "Did so-and-so do better?". That's why there was a general trend of us 3 slipping in grades in secondary school.

Sometimes I think why I am so low on self-esteem, and I can't help but wonder if things would be different if my parents gave more affirmation to my deeds. Like if they supported me more in the things I did, like drama or piano. Maybe everything would have been different. I would have turned out to be a fuller person because I would want to fulfill the expectations of parents.

I don't blame them though. It was a different generation back then. People were not as articulate about their feelings then as compared to modern times. Parents hit children to show concern. Parents left kids alone because they had so many children to begin with. I understand how these things can be carried forward to us when they raised us..

But. Could things have been different?

Looking at some people I know, they emanate confidence like some spring. I have to act it. Slowly I am gaining some self-assurance and affirmation on my strong points, like being a people person or being able to speak well, being able to write, etc. Slowly I sense myself feeling better about myself. Yet there is always this self-consciousness which keeps me from putting my whole self out there for people to decimate.

And the fact that I think that people will decimate me. How come other people are forever half full while I struggle with half emptiness?

I can only thank God that these things are improving for me, and I know I will eventually walk out of such emotional baggages. Until then, there's CCC to help me realise my potential and really give me a space whereby I am not looked down upon (real or imaginary) and where people are so kind and real and supportive. Never before have I experienced this before CCC.

Speaking of which, I was thinking of starting a new blog on top of this to chart my spiritual journey, so that things would not be so convoluted here.. That's still in preliminary stages though.. I don't really know if I want to do that and risk sounding like a schizophrenic with two stories in two blogs.

What do you think?