things past, thoughts past.

I sort of stumbled upon an entry I wrote on 26 Dec 2004 in a hidden place. That's almost 2 years ago! I was super emo in that entry! Almost as if some part of my body was going to drop out. That said, there's nothing wrong with being emo! I don't know why there's such a movement out there to deny what one feels. I don't ever want to become a 'DJ'. At least I know I am progressing from one phase to another instead of denying everything I know and not paying enough attention to everyone around me.

Anyway, about that entry.. I was in a different phase of my life then. Still pining over someone and the fact that I was leaving secondary school for JC. How far I have come! Life seems more boring now with no pulpitations and butterflies. Hahas..

I was actually thinking about this as I walked to Cristofori for piano lessons. I don't feel as much anymore. Like nothing much scares me that I can feel my heart beat, and nothing much stirs me that I can feel adrenaline rush. No more butterflies.. I was telling Peck Hor some time back about this too.. I don't feel anything much anymore.

As to the reason why, I have several theories..
1. I am growing old!!
2. Too tired to feel anything with the A's coming
3. Felt enough; numb already.
The third one feels especially resonant. Hmm..

But I take this as a good thing. This actually tells me that I am growing to be less naive. I tended to see things in eternity and in some idealistic manner. Now I know that everything's not that. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing turns out the way it should be. Pity, really.. But no matter. No one is dying over that here.

I just hope that I do not become immune to feelings as some have. And I hope that I still hope. The last thing I want is to become a cynical bitch which I have a reputation of. It's difficult to ascertain such things though. I have no control over the auto-mechanisms of my subconscious mind.

The point is (I know it's not very evident or does it appear anywhere before making this a very crappy statement..), things were so much more simpler when I saw things as black and white and pure. Now there's no turning back.