things past, thoughts past. // part two

JOY Taken by Dezhi Happiness is fleeting like childhood and we'll never know how much fun it was until we no longer have it and all that's left is a blurry reminiscence.

*This entry is so gonna contradict what I said on Friday*

Something in me has fundamentally changed this past few months. I can't quite pinpoint what happened or which particular day some switch in me flipped, but I know this: I can't feel as much as I did before. Even to the extent of not feeling.

Is this the consequence of growing up? If so, I don't want to grow up.

I remember a time when I used to be really nosey about everything. If someone posted an entry which sounded slightly depressing, I would just sms and ask what's wrong and what's up. Many things have changed since. I am not sure what an entry is trying to tell me anymore. It's either we are all beginning to blog without feel or I can no longer empathise as before.

You know, I always thought that empathy was a gift that God gave me, that I had the unique ability to put myself in other's shoes. That was true for a certain period of time, and I really felt my daring to ask what happened and try to listen or even solve their problems helped people.

As it now stands, I often wonder if things could ever be solved. I catch myself thinking that it's no use asking about it since I would not really be able to help in the first place. I stop smsing people asking about how they are because I know that somehow everyone has to deal with their own problems on their own as I have learnt over these 2 years. Not depending on others has taught me to not putting myself out there to lend a shoulder or a ear.

It was only in church today that I really confirmed what I feared for quite some time now. I don't feel anymore. Dr Khoo likes to tell us not to wait for our feelings and rely on them before we come before the Lord. I've never had such problems because I could always feel it. The pounding in my heart when I have a word, the thrill of worship.. Then I realised today that I don't have that anymore. Worship was still exciting, when I prayed to God I could still feel Him, but my heart didn't pound as before. It was only when I told God about this did I feel a little stirring.

Now, I don't presume to equate heart-pounding with emotion and feeling.. but this is what I have noticed lately.. That nothing much really moves me anymore. I don't feel like crying over anything, I don't feel extremely happy over anything, nothing. I hope it's just some pre-exam symptom..

But then as I said on Friday, what if I become an unfeeling bitch? As in.. what if I forget how butterflies could feel like, how love could be like, or how exhilarating being 'really happy' can be?

Maybe the only way to get my emotions back is to put myself out there to be ripped apart again. It might have been painful, but at least it was painful.. At least there was a romantic side to it. I want to be a bloody romantic, not a robot!