I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

I thought of many beginnings before I sat down to blog. It's funny how I've already forgotten all of them as I type this. It's been a long time! When did I last really blog and not just rant/whine? Does this even qualify as 'blogging' (expressing my opinion on something)?

Things have been rather hectic lately, what with the A's coming right up everyone's asses. Us folk are all holed up in our solitary worlds trying to work out the best strategy to trump the winter markers in Cambridge. I can't say I have been succeeding in my attempt. Studying has been going real slow with the mind games I play with myself. I just can't seem to focus!

Have you ever gotten this before? When you are in a situation where you know that it is impertinent that you do something, yet you don't. You procrastinate hoping that the A's would somehow disappear or be declared cancelled due to the hazardous haze levels. I've been talking about this since a month ago, and it doesn't seem to be letting up. Denial. How dangerous is that?

I thought that awareness would have brought about some change in how I handled the situation. I was talking to Teck Heng about this some days ago. Doesn't awareness mean that you are no longer plagued by your troubles? What kind of denial is it if I am not denying it? I guess my engine just needs to be started and be shifted to high gear.. Drips and drabs ain't gonna cut it anymore.

Of course, I've had to deal with other things apart from the mugging for A's. The umbrella issue still haunts me. Somehow I cannot accept the fact that my family is not as wholesome as I wanted it to be and I can do nothing to change it. How everyone seems dead set on walking down a destructive path and never turning back to see the little flowers that once bloomed at the sides.. Dealing with that takes time, I guess.


I'm meeting Shuying tomorrow! That would be the nth time where n is less than 10. It's amusing to me how I know someone I have met less than 10 times in 3 years. How is it even being sustained? What am I going to bring to the table? We'd probably have no common topics except for life and the weather. Thank God the weather would leave us plenty to talk about, I imagine!

"How's life?"

"Okae.. wow, the weather sucks."

"Yeah.. the indonesians are trying to farm on their volcanoes again"

"Cool.... erm. What about you? How was prelims?"

"That sucked too."

"Oh.. hmm. Nice coffee."

That's probably cos we might be just sitting around in a coffee place. Gee. I hope my drama gene acts up tomorrow, or it would be as frigid as Queen E.


Apart from that, I was also surprised at how petty I am this week. Or rather how affected I am by buta chan. Can't explain my behaviour totally now, but I guess I really took offence that I wasn't really a friend? I don't have many friends, so like Sam Soon, 我对每个人都是付出真心的。付出真心！ I guess not being reciprocated hurts even though we should not ask for reciprocation. See? It ain't easy being me. It's like having pms-like sensitivity all the time, without being able to turn it off.

Of course, I don't think it's anyone's fault. I was just thinking about this as I was peeing. I can't blame anyone for feeling so disconnected. Mostly it's just me. But damn it hurts.


I've been getting epiphanies though.. That it's about time that I really place my whole life in God. For so long I have held on to the reins, not wanting to give it up. Maybe it's time. I had a picture of trying to run away from a wall with a resistance band tied to my waist. The wall was sin and I was trying to escape, but alway being pulled back. Then Hsia Pin and Eunice gave words about discouragement. I didn't respond to the call though.. It's much more than disappointment. It's ambivalence. I don't really know how to feel about what I am facing right now. I hate my grades; I am doing nothing. I want to be happy; I am not working for it.

There is no easy solution. I know what I have to do. But will I?