Bare.

It seems like I have lost my ability to blog these days..

Things are many and quite complex. Complex enough for me to not know how to put them into words. Complex, not in a serious way, but in a way which bothers me quite a lot.

Well, it seems like I'm at a new crossroads of a change in my mindset. Kory was right in Secondary 2 when he said that I was gullible, you know. I know now that I might just be so, so naive. BSLC has taught me that, and I'm beginning to sober to this in other aspects of my life.

Things that I once thought were simple and easily resolvable turned out to be dead knots at every turn. Like how I never knew that my family was so fragile until my sister revealed her semi-depression during her secondary school days, and how I see the hate growing in my brother. I used to brush it off in the past as something that is get-overable. Now I know that there's only God who can fix this mess we muddled into somehow.

Other things that people seem to gain so easily comes with so much effort to me. Just look at Rich and Tan Long and Enqing getting into OCS easily, while I had to take the long route. Don't get me wrong, I'm not envious - I wouldn't give the world for my time in SISPEC - nor am I unhappy to get into OCS like Liansheng thought. It's just that I sometimes catch myself wishing that something in my life could be simple, easy. Just that.

I was really disappointed that I didn't get into Law. I was so sure I could do it. Yes, my results were not the best in the gigantic 4As lot, but I felt so affirmed that I was going to get it. Hence the disappointment. I know I will get it eventually, so strongly because I know God is would grant me the desires of my heart.. but why does everything have to be done by the long way for me?

I'm jaded. Tired with little reprieve. With no one really to talk to.. I know I have good friends, but we just aren't the talk-about-emo-things friends I guess. I thought I could talk to Jamie, but I won't do it somehow. Maybe it's too big a mess to even talk about..

I've always dreamed of going overseas (it somehow strikes me that this is the 3rd consecutive paragraph I've started with 'I'). Not to study.. maybe to study, but more like. A break. A long break to look at rustic buildings. To see London or France where all the movies are made, where buildings have history and are not just high-rise apartments without life. Singapore is so boxy and square that it suffocates me. I want to see expanses of meadows and mountains! I want to shout at the top of my lungs and hear the echo in my ears. I want to sit at a tucked away bistro for half a day watching people pass by. I want to whisper sweet-nothings to someone and feel the warm hug of another. I want, I want, I want! I only dream of these.

What's wrong? Nothing, really.. I'm okae. I'm just feeling claustrophobic, I guess.. I should quit this and carry on with OCS tomorrow. Polish my boots, pack my bags, prepare for the busy day. What else can I do really?