Reflecting..

The unemployed life seems to make time go a lot faster. A little bit of playing The Sims 3 and a whole afternoon is gone. I seem to be doing so much less though. All the plans to run every day seems to be backfiring. Hahas..

There's still a teeny weeny bit of the 'down' feeling left. I realised that a huge part of it comes from my having so little confidence in myself, and how I saw that the people around me don't really have faith in me. The funny thing is that I got to see this from a DotA game..

Hahas.. you see, I was never really good at the game, mainly because I refused to invest too much time in mastering the denying and farming stuff that makes one better at the game. I realised at our last DotA session though, that I was really sensitive about others criticising my gameplay. The truth is, a sucky player doesn't like others to say that he is sucky. I see that now. Sorry friends for being an ass!

I was also a little sad that when I was battling this personal inner struggle thing, there was no one to pick me up. Which is just as well, you know. Makes it a better stronger lesson. There wouldn't be someone to pick me up all the time. Is this how my brother and uncle felt? That no one cared even though we never told anyone? It's a paradoxical thing to feel for sure, but it's so real that it's quite disturbing.

Ultimately, I really want to thank Dr Khoo for his message on Sunday. It somehow pulled me out of the whole thing and told me to focus on Abandoning my old ways, Adjusting my life to Jesus, and Asking God's opinion. Which really seems little at first glance, but is so deep when I think of it. Because really, this bout of 'whateveryoucallit' is really me hanging on to my old ways, and refusing to let go isn't it?

I'm still learning and trying to get rid of my little and large quirks. God willing!

Romans 12

"Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him. "
-Romans 12:3

It struck me that learning to understand God more is actually a process of learning to understand myself more, since I am made from His image.

I do not add anything to God with my worship, praying or even helping others. Through all these though, I will learn more about myself.

I must say, I haven't really been reading my bible for some time. Maybe it's time to get back to it!

I have been noticing some disturbing trends with regards to how my family relates to each other ever since I asked God to show me how I can be the change in my family.

The first thing that I notice is how negative we are towards each other. We like to criticise each other and say what thing each other is doing badly. And strangely, there was a weird morality in the air. Don't do that, that's wrong, etc. But really. Every one of us have our cranks but we don't seem to be able to correct ourselves.

There's also an impatience I feel. Like everything cannot wait, and everything gets on the nerves. An example was how my sister got very frustrated because she didn't get a taxi within 10 minutes after the reunion dinner.

Yen Chin told me to speak truth into their lives today as we were talking about my family and my dad. But I realised that it's more difficult than it seems. Simply because the view is so different from me and from any of them. Like how do I tell them to honour our parents because the bible says so when they don't even believe? It becomes sort of cyclic argument with no end. Argh.

I believe God will give me the wisdom to deal with what He has allowed me to see, I guess. I will watch and wait for the opportune time. And hopefully we would be more whole.. =/

day one at work.

The first real day at work was pretty fruitful. We've started the Handing Over/Taking Over process, and I feel like I am getting to know my men better.

You know, a few days back I prayed to God about getting to know my men better right before I went to work. I was thinking that I really needed to know them and for them to get to know me because I am the kind of person who doesn't really know how to talk cock.

Just nice that day both the RQ and QM were on leave and off, and the platoon didn't have much to do. I got a chance to sit them down to have a chit-chat session to find out about their families and all. Quite alright lah.. At least it was a start. =) Thank God!

I now only hate myself for feeling so anti-social and not knowing how to initiate conversations and to introduce myself. I'm just freaked out about talking to others I don't know. Hmm. Help me Lord! If even that can be overcomed, I think I've pretty much nailed the person aspect of being a QM.

Hope that tomorrow would be a better day!