bean.

Loneliness had driven him mad. Although he has family, he can't help but feel the walls close in on him. The high towers of silence established about him. It was more that he could take.

Daniel was a man of logic. He saw order in the world. There was a Way with which everything worked. He figured that if he followed the Way and the Logic, everything would go as he planned. He would get a good job. He would have a good family. Yet now as he sits watching the tube at home, he feels a chill in his heart. A heart that has turned cold.

The Logic that has got him to where he is now is slowly abandoning him. The pride in holding the facts of the world in his mind had overcome him. He had become unteachable in new Ways. He was stuck.

And so he repeated to himself like a broken recorder; the Way he learnt. The Way before the new civilisation began. Before the Web was formed. Darkness crept around him, but he deigned think of it for fear of madness and depression.

What is left, now that youth and vitality has left him? Was it worth struggling against everyone else to be right when what he lost was Love and Respect? Is being so called Right so important?

This is a lesson for me. I will never be like him.

sing pasta movie soup.

I went out with Wen Tian, Chee Wee and Zhimin today! It's been so long since we last met. The last time was Blue Beret ba?

Anyways! We went kboxing. I had it good because they actually paid for 3 people already, and I came in much later and just went in to sing. Hahas.. We ended up singing all Jay Chou songs. Hmm.. Look at us having fun!

CHIO AND DEZHI PK!Zhimin and Chee Wee having gleeful fun!Group shot!

Lunch later on was a free meal at Pastamania because we had free vouchers. Lols.. I believe it amounts to embezzlement. It was ungiven Comms Ball gifts lorh! Anyway, don't ever eat the Unagi Pasta from there.. It's not as good as I expected. I think the Tako flavoured one which Zhimin had looks more appetising. Hmm...

We later got on to watch the Leap Years. I finally get to watch it! Hmm. It wasn't as cheesy as Shuying put it out to be. I was quite frustrated with the overtly Englishness of it though.. But I guess if it were Singlish then it wouldn't be half as good.

The show was okay by my standards. Maybe just 3 stars? It didn't exactly give a heart wrench, even though I did come out of the movies wishing I too had such an idyllic love with someone. Not meant to be, it seems! I do think that it would have been better if I didn't know that they would end up together. Or if they didn't end up together. The story was too saccharine and too simplistic. I guess it's because it was adapted from a novella or short story. Hmm.

After the movie, we saw these cute walking dolls! I couldn't resist but take photos with them. Cute right?! They look like Wawas from Viwawa sia.. The Marina Square atrium was filled with PS3s and all sorts of games too... And they had a booth selling the Sony Ericsson 910i which Zhimin has and I want to buy!! Man, two things I crave at the same place. What a temptation!!

We finally went on to the Soup Spoon to makan dinner before heading home. Seems like everyone is still single too. So sad right? Now I have two rings of single friends. JEDIT and Comms Ball Comm. Lols. Sad.

But really. I think I'm starting to be able to live without someone else. After all, I don't want to be with someone just to have someone to be with. I think God will bring someone to me soon lah. Hahahas..

total randomness.

Once again, the free day was spent on the usual things that free days are spent on. Mindless searching of videos to watch (CSI this time), playing Viwawa until I get bored of people playing slow mahjong, and just a little bit of reading the periodicals which I so often neglect.

I was supposed to go out with Pamela today, but the rain got in the way. I guess there was a part of me that didn't want to go out as well. I just want to rot at home. =) Oh wells. I don't know.

I am beginning to feel the dullness of my brain. I don't think so much anymore. So much of Army involves just doing, following instructions. My mental knife is no longer sushi-cutting-sharp. It's more like a chicken chopper now. Argh. How sad.

Perhaps I should venture into story writing.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy with a special power. He
could read people's minds. Of course, as with any other superhero story,
this boy was not born with such a power. He developed it. Kind of
like how Spiderman developed his webshooting skills when a spider bit him.
For this boy, Keane, he was hit by a radioactive van when he was 9. The
van was carrying polonium for the new reactor they were going to build in the
next town. Somehow the polonium leaked into the container....

Whatever.

You know, in life, there has to be something that you can hold on to. Everyone needs that one thing. Some people find it in love, some people find it in friends. Others find it in values, and yet others find it in God.

I sort of lost that for a moment. I didn't really know what I was doing here for. In fact, I still don't fully know. I know I have to be a good officer. I know I should be filial to my parents and elders. I know right from wrong. But so what? Some time back, everything became very grey for me. Routine and mundane. There was no stimulus in my life. I can see no growth. Perhaps this is what the Army makes of people. Drowning us out by regimentation and 101 guides to whatever you can ever think of. There is a dearth to it all...

Just then, someone told me that this is all a trial and a temporary assignment. That I should keep faith. Keep believing in the good things. Keep believing in God.

Then I realised. Did I stop believing in God and His promises? I was starting to get jaded because the world is so different from how I saw it to be. People are not helpful and supportive as I thought they would be. Not everyone works to their best ability. The world's stand is to do just enough to scrap through and to cover your own ass and fend for yourself. It's so tiring to fight it. To want to help only to be seen as a fool wasting my time.

I want to feel alive again. To laugh heartily. To really believe in the good. But maybe it's time to grow up. Growing up. I hate it already.

leave!

I'm on leave today and tomorrow! So far so good. I just watched HERO the movie and played a coupla rounds of wahjong. Here's sharing the joy of loboness with you with this video!

walls.

JEDIT members would probably benefit from this article.

-

I've been feeling very lonely these days. It seems like something that only happens after Commissioning. During the Exercise, everything was okae because everyone was busy. I was more tired than anything else. I didn't even manage to squeeze out a nice goodbye message for Jamie who left on a jet plane.

Right now, after the Exercise, it feels... feels like I can't really talk to anyone. Or SMS anyone. I wouldn't know what to say. It's almost as if I now live in a totally different planet from everyone else. I have no one to tell what I want to say to. I'm not even totally sure what is it I exactly want to say. Sounds like I have felt this before. Hahas.

Anyways, it was the QM/CCO Branch Cohesion yesterday, and we had a great time at Downtown East swimming, barbecuing and all. Had an uber expensive lunch too. $173.30! Wah. That's cheap considering we had 14 people and that there was this meal I had with EQ and Tan Long that costed $300+ at Carnivore. But man, it burned a hole in my pocket yesterday. I'm left empty. Argh. Guess I'd better tighten my yao dai (belt)!

These guys, the storemen. It seems like they are all I've got left. Mum and Dad are primarily worried about money and what the sub-prime crisis would mean to us (Dad thinks the world, Mum thinks the family). We are not exactly a family that brings our personal problems to the table to talk about them. Friends... well. I don't know. I'm having a hard time getting through to people lately.

So as I was saying, all I've got are the storemen. Yet there are things that I cannot tell them. Because they are men, and I am an officer. I never believed in this before when 2LT Yong Chiang talked about it. Never believed in the holier than thou bullshit. But now I understand. It's true... there is a difference.

So I am actually effectively left with myself... and God. Perhaps this is God taking the initiative to get me to get to Him. Hahas. I think my walk has improved a little? I'm starting to think God more. Yet at the same time, I am aware of my little indiscretions. Compromises. What a thin line to walk! I guess I need to constantly remind myself that God is faithful even though I am faithless.

To sum it all up, actually... It's just a feeling of unease in me. A restlessness. Bleh. Can't get rid of it. Hope it gets away.