Thursday, June 29, 2006

Midyear Exam: Day Four

Math is finally over!! That's one down, 3 more to go. I have 4 days to rest and mug. Hehs.. In the meantime, photoblog!!!

Those are 3 of the tees I bought. That pink looking polo is Abercrombie, as is the brown one (duh!) and the white plain polo is American Eagle. I said I would post right! Hehs.. Nice right?

Wah. This would last me several Sundays. What pressure it is to look not-the-same every week. Luckily I am not in poly..

Anyways, Ma is going to buy me jeans tomorrow! Giordano is having some jean mega sale I think.. And I am totally psyched to go after watching Oprah yesterday about getting the right pair of jeans. Man, those people look totally different larh! Although I think most of the 'difference' is due to the stylist's hairdo and makeup.. But wow! Cool! I need more jeans anyway. Now everything is baggy and dropping. Argh!

Oh, here's the prediction I was talking about.. Don't think you can see it clearly. So I still have to type. Darn. So here's that:

You sometimes lose control in moments of crisis

Beware of trying to be too clever

You sometimes feel dissatisfied with everything

Jealousy and envy are always living in wait to threaten your relationship with your partner

You will accumulate considerable wealth thanks to profitable investments and your own entrepreneurial skills

You are inclined to brood and so pass the day without getting anything done.

The question is: Is it accurate? Strangely, yes.. I think the most accurate would be about the investments. I won every single 1x2 bet I made on soccer. Hahas.. I don't know how much profit I made though.. Didn't calculate. Don't remember anyway. Hmm..

Then there's the brooding.. If you read this blog often, you know I am a lil psychotic. Like worrying about crappy stuff. EMO. Argh. I don't like to be you know.. but sometimes it's just like that. I also don't want to have a person whom I like not like me.. Oh wells.. it's just as well. Hahas..

Trying to be too clever.. Maybe it's talking about my cramming for exams? Yeah. I am totally paying for it..

Dissatisfied with everything? I guess so.. I am not content ba.. I keep thinking about other things, and never of the things I already have. Like how I would want a digital camera.. -subliminal messaging-

Hahas.. well, so it's quite worth it for a dollar right? If you wanna try it out too, go Sembawang Shopping Centre. It's outside at the shuttle bus waiting area. Great way to pass time too. ; )

-

Anyway, Math was okaee... I am just glad it's over. A part of me thinks that it is easy. But the smarter me knows I would probably fail and get really disappointed because I thought it's easy. So.. better to stay well.. hopeless. Yep..

Physics.. well, I felt better than when I did Chem. But I do realise that I left out a lot of questions. So that would be a problem. Would have to catch up in Paper 1 and 2. Man, Mrs Chan gave me a look today, making me think, "I am a lazy kid who can't be bothered. I totally should be guilty!!" Haix.

Well.. time to move on. And I mean for everything.. I had a moment of clarity today about "DJ". And I realised, maybe I've been testing the kallang water with my kayak for nothing. It's not the water, it's me. I don't like kallang water as much as I think, I think.. Or maybe kallang water turns out to be more than I thought. Or maybe I just got too tired to carry on testing the water. Time to bring up my kayak and go back to SDBA!!

Okae. I go play maple now le.. see ya!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

What?

I wonder what I am looking for sometimes.

I am definitely looking for something, because something is missing.

But what is that?

Midyear Exam: Day Three

I feel ugly today.

Do you ever feel that? That brushing your teeth, washing your face, or combing your hair doesn't matter because you are such a wretched wreck. I bet I did look like a wreck today. Good thing half the class was not there..

Knowledge of failure does things to people. I realise now that it is easy to know that you can do it the next time around because you have what it takes, but it takes a lot of confidence to not feel upset and loseristic when you finish a paper. When you know you have failed before your pen fell.

Oddly, it was an okay paper today. I felt that it was fairly alright even though my mind slipped on certain things. And the fact that I didn't finish..

Failing does things to you. Somewhere in there, I don't think I can pass anything this time around.. Argh. How to keep positive?

I am keeping myself objective. Finish Physics, finish Math. By tomorrow, everything would be over. Then it's four days of chasing down my Ds and Cs. Go go jiayou!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Midyear Exam: Day Two

Today is a bad, BAD day.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Midyear Sale Exam: Day One

I had a lot of things to post, but thought better of it.

Strange how I always blog when I have nothing to blog about..

SUNDAY::

Well, I wanted to say that we went to eat SEAFOOD!! Hahas.. Went with Ying-yi, Poh-yi, jie, gor and ma to eat opposite of Sembawang Shopping Centre. Wish I had a camera!! I could have taken all the pics of the nice food we were eating. The stingray was like super good larh! We had the 'yam wall' and chilli crab also. But they chilli crab arh.. quite substandard.. the gravy very thin leh.. then put the man tou not nice. Hmph..

Went shopping also. Bought myself 4 Abercrombie shirts! Okae larh.. more like 3 Abercrombies and 1 American Eagle. Darn. Am I becoming a brand whore? Hahahas.. I shall post pics when I can okae?

I got my fortune told by a machine when we were waiting for the shuttle bus back too. I haven't seen those things for years larh! I remember in Primary School me and my sis went crazy about such things. Every week also do one one.. Last time they had the crystal ball thing (super zhun lorH!) and the Da Vinci thing where you had to put your hand in. If you lie then it will eat your hand leh! Scary desu!

So anyway.. the prediction, or rather description of me, was pretty accurate. Quite cool.. mirrored what I was thinking about myself lorh.. How do they come up with such things?! -incredulous expression- I shall upload the pic next time also.. hahas.. don't want to type that much larh..

::

How's my attempt at sounding himbo? I'd probably make a good one..

Math. Quite gone.. Chem tomorrow.. let's just hope for the best yeah?

What right have I to be upset anyway? I didn't study. Serve me right.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Cravings

I've been thinking of getting lots of things lately....

1. Lots and lots of Maple A-cash cards!!
2. Digital Camera
3. Nokia N80. Man, why is it not cheap?!!!
4. Brazil singlet.

Hmm.. dreaming man.. if only I had a thousand dollars drop from the sky..

Friday, June 23, 2006

What are we? We are nothing.

Bang bang, you shot me down. Bang bang, I hit the ground. Bang bang.

Huimin told me something before the GP exam today. It killed my day.

My hair was in a mess today. My day writhed in pain as it gasped its last few breaths of air

I couldn't get the C chords right today. It died in my arms. No pulse, no breathing. BP dropping.. dropping..

You know how one thing can ruin your day just like that? -snaps finger- I don't think she knew what she was saying, or that it could potentially affect me, but it did. I'm sorry it did.

All this time, I thought I was a pretty okae kid. Not a toughie like Peck Hor, but really, just okae with sufficient armour. I guess I was wrong.

Wait a minute. Why am I even blogging about this? Dramatic fucker!

Monologue:
Me: Are you okae?
ME: No, I am not okae.
Me: Want to talk about it?
ME: Nah, I'd just chuck it into a small little box and wait for it to go away
Me: What if it doesn't
ME: It will. I hope.. I know.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

McDonald's



I thought it important for me to blog tonight, on the eve of my GP examination. For a boost of confidence, and for the confirmation that I can synthesise without grammatical or vocabulary error.

I spent much of my day in Harbourfront trying to swallow the chunks of information fed to me by the Economics notes (metaphor!). Much of the time was spent in Macs, then at Subway.

What struck me when I was in Macs, and what Ms Pan said gave me an inspiration to write this entry about Macs.

The conspicuous thing I observed when I was in Mac was the fact that it attracted people of all ages and classes.

An old man sat diagonally across where I was seated eating a vanilla ice-cream cone, a mother was feeding her baby with milk, two contractors sat at the far table discussing blue-prints over Coke, and caucasians littering the whole outlet laughing heartily, absorbed in their own world. An Arab couple sat a few tables away, taking photos.

Ms Pan mentioned that Macs gets everywhere. How true! Isn't it amazing how a fastfood giant like McDonald's has the power to bind people together?

You would be able to find the same double cheeseburger here and in say, Russia. You can discuss the health hazards a Big Mac would pose to you if you ate it everyday with Coke and Supersize with an American across the Ocean. Kids can talk about Ronald or the coolest new toys right out from Cars.

In our hurry to condemn mega-companies with Anti-Trust and Competition laws, are we forgetting the miracles just such companies have brought to our world?

In Goodbye Lenin, McDonald's was portrayed as the vessel of democracy. The first sign that East Berlin is "modernising" after the Berlin Wall fell. The people of China celebrated when they saw their first Macs open late last century.

Indeed, Macs is no longer simply a fastfood chain, but a powerful symbol. The Golden Arches link us to the world - the perceived 'modern' world - more than we give it credit for. It may kill you if you eat it compulsively, but each bite represents a bite in the giant pie of the world. Each bite is the product of years of invention, innovation, dreams and ideas.

Next time you step into a McDonald's, think about this. And thank Ray Kroc for ever founding such an incredible institution.

Losing Grip

I've gotta make this quick since there's only 18% if batter power left in my iBook.

1. I have decided to get a Nokia 6280 soon!
It has a 2 megapixel camera and a VGA camera. Not to mention radio, 3G. Perfect! Not to mention the cheap price. SGD$98 only! Hoho.. My uncle and Yan Han has it though. Hmm.. That makes it a common phone right? Gee. Nevermind!

2. AussieBum has really nice swimwear! I feel like getting a League one. Lols. Looks super nice larh. Like totally HOT! Plus what's the use of becoming thin(ner) when you can't show it off? Take a look at this:



3. I still have 99.9% of mugging left to do. Which makes me officially dead. Yuppers.. Don't worry about it though.. I am not as upset/depressed/panicky as you think. Actually what I am thinking right now is

"okae, so I won't do so well for my midyears, but I actually planned for that right when I was training and threw studying out the window. So I will study really hard for Prelims, and I know I will do well for Prelims, simply because I am smart."

Okae, I know what you are thinking. Complacent Dezhi here thinking he can get away with it. Nope, you can't be further from the truth. I am not trying to be arrogant. But I know that I understand my concepts, and all I need is refreshing of my memory, which I don't have the time for now. Yeah.. So. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

4. Man, I so hate blogger for their hotlinking policy. I have to transfer everything to my photo album to upload! ARGH.

5. Hey, can you (if you have linked my blog) change the link to http://mrsuan.blogspot.com? Then you can get rid of the annoying Geocities ad you see on Windows. Remember hor!

6. I spent some time looking through Full Moon's blog, and thought to myself, I am going to kayak or surfski even when I finish my time in NY Kayak Racing Team. It has become something of a passion. I probably not a hardcore must-win kayaker, but I love the feeling of just paddling and enjoying the water. Ah.. maybe that's why I like marathons better than sprints.

Then again, sprints give adrenaline like nothing else. That's why I have been looking at surfskiing. It's not existing in Singapore, but more popular in Australia and South Africa. Hmm . Basically just an open deck K. Woot! Cool man!

7. Hmm. I think I blogged enough.. Pray for me okae? I'll pray for you too..

Goodnight people! Rest well, mug hard, stay cheery and God bless.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

看见了天堂,总觉得凡间有所缺憾

我终于明白了。

演员们为什么对人生与平常人相比有那么大的感触。因为我们尝到了另一个世界的精彩,的美,的灿烂。

在一瞬间,戏子仿佛进入了自己的脑袋,自己理想中的天堂。落幕后又被扁回了毫无乐趣,色彩的真实生活。

我们是多可望回升乐土啊!

然而,生命不会因为脑里的梦而有所改变。舞台是经过无数人长期的准备的成果,梦想也是如此:必须有所行动才能实现。

我不记得天堂长什么样了。但我希望总有一天,我能回返到那个地方:当梦想都已实现!

Mac Definitely Better!

I can't believe how ugly the blog looks in Windows. The fonts were hideous!

I have been using a Mac for so long that I have forgotten how bad something can look through a Window. Hm. Man, does this mean I should script from Windows next time to prevent deaths from sore eyes?



Seriously people. Consider a Mac. The GUI is much better. The new Intel Duo Core processor is a few times faster than the normal PC you have, and you have superior images, plus automatically feathered out fonts. Ah.. such pleasure to the eyes.

If you don't get a Mac, at least get Firefox. Looks better than IE.

Or can it just be the PCs at my house? Hm..

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Dreaming away..


Image from Firda


It seems like I've been stuck in a dream all my life, whiling my time away.

I'm actually blogging about my guilt of not studying, while blogging to excuse myself from studying. Ingenious eh? I haven't really waken up to the idea that the examinations are 2 days away, and I actually have no time to finish anything at all. A major part of my brain probably subconsciously thinks I can make it. Hmm..

All my life, I have thought of escaping from here, wherever here is. I never really thought of how my life is good, only of "if only's". It's time I changed that. It's time I stopped dreaming of living in a house with a big green pasture for a backyard, with a rocking chair on the patio and a piano.

I haven't been putting effort into achieving my dreams. I wanted to learn piano because I always pictured myself being able to play when I am old; to play for my family and loved ones. Many have asked why, but I never dared say. Why? Maybe it's pointless to share, or maybe I didn't want to.

When I was young, I imagined love to be able to sit with your wife in the living room watching tele, or just enjoying each other's presence. Right now, I don't really know what I think of love. It's a convoluted idea now. Being grown up lost me my clarity, though it gave me broadness of mind. Knowing more, yet at the same time, being sure of less.

Someone once told me that there's no right or wrong in anything. I never agreed with that. I believed that something is wrong when it's wrong. Yet, is that so? Smoking is bad for you, is it wrong? Drugs are bad, are they bad? If they are, why do doctors use them? Why are they existent in every single society? Externalities. Economics makes it sound as if everything is a commodity of which the world allows a certain 'ideal' amount. Is that so?

Told xx yesterday that I am too complicated for relationships. I can't get past myself. How true. How did we survive, my sister, brother and I? How did we get so emotional and complicated about everything? It's easy to blame someone for all the angst and maybe anger and indifference we feel. But didn't he do what he thought was right too? Was it really his choice to be unable to fully provide for us? I ask myself that. That's why I try not to provoke him, to still treat him normally. What's past is past right?

Am I thinking myself to death? Lost 2 more kgs when I weighed myself today. It's freaking me out. Not that I am complaining that I am sub-70 kg now. But.. I don't know. Who cares?

No matter what I say, it would still feel good if someone gave a shit. More like, actually, I miss caring for someone else. At least that would mean I am not here alone.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Our Last Day At Kallang....

Here are some pics we took at our last training session at Kallang.

Can't believe it's been 1 and a half years. Gonna miss Kallang! Gonna miss everyone too.. Man..

Oh, click HERE to see the full album okae?

Daily Dose

I knew I should have kept to my daily dosage. Now I feel as if I am overdosing myself. Gotta keep reminding myself that I cannot cross the line. I gotta keep to this amount!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sure Sign That I am BORED

Your Brain is 40% Female, 60% Male

You have a total boy brain
Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts
And while your emotions do sway you sometimes...
You never like to get feelings too involved

Technorati

Oh man.. one word of advice: Don't ever search for your name on Technorati.

I found that my name is totally unspecial! There were loads of stuff about how this Jia Dezhi murdered his children. Then there were two other Dezhis. Both Singaporeans, strangely. Hmm..

But yeah. I feel very not-special now. And I thought my name was special!! Something struck me though.. from the descriptions of the Dezhis, they seem to resemble me, or my character at least. Hm.. Coincidence?

I managed to dig up Shu Juan's, Hui Yen's, Eva's, Derick's, and Gracia's blog too! Hahas.. Look like someone needs to update. Also dug up Jin Yuan, Sis, Cheeks, Pamela, Wei Qi, Tan Long, Shuying, Xi Xun, Raymond, Woo Chiao, Huiyi, Cheryl (omg!), Fengrun!! (is this really happening?), and George.

Wow.

Man. I must be really bored. Am I?

Reflections

As you know, I haven't been in my best mood. Amazingly, God has shown be several things today. Just thought I should write it down before it gets washed away by everything else flooding my brain.

Let's start from the most recent, shall we?

I actually sms-ed Jamie and told her that I was feeling emo. I guess I was just exclaiming it out loud for the sake of it. Or maybe I was being a glutton for punishment.. Hm. Anyway, I was telling her how I felt that I don't belong..

Really. Do you get such bouts of surreality? Like everything you have ever done or touched dies; like you are never good enough; like you just suck. Hahas.. That's some self-loathing part of me speaking.

I just realised that I just am not the kind of person who gets very involved. In anything at all. Socially, primary school seems to be a distant thing in the past now.. I haven't even been keeping in contact with Pamela and Shu Juan. Really close friends are only the gang. Even then, we don't do much together. I am just an oddball, like some extra long thorn sticking out of a durian. Church.. well, let's just say I keep to myself.

Perhaps the closest thing I've got is an OG. Then again, it's falling apart. Every one leads their own life. Everyone has to fend for themselves. What of S6A? Well, I really don't know. I guess I've had good friends in the girls, in Jun Xiong, Peck Hor, Jin Yuan, Genial..

Anyway, so this is what Jamie concluded for me. I am selfish, and so is everyone else. Hmm. So I shouldn't expect anyone to give a shit, I concluded for myself. Then I said that even if you tried caring for others, they wouldn't appreciate it, as I have found out over past experiences. Now, she said this key thing: "See? The fact tt you actually do wonder if ppl apreciate what you do. You are self centred. Oh wells." Then I was like, "woah". I thought that to myself of course.. Thinking about it, that's quite true.. Maybe I am a self-centred bastard, not giving a shit about others.

All the while I was fretting how my stroke probably sucks, how I don't twist, how I am going to screw up my midyears, how I am probably a social wreck. All this while. When I could have been thinking how others are. Man..

Then again, I have discovered for myself that people don't want you to care. Yes, they do, on a deep level, but they don't know how to react to it when you do. So weird things happen. They don't want to tell you anything. They shrug you off. The way I normally put it to people who try to probe about me, "you won't understand". Well.. for the person who is actually trying to shower the concern, it's a sign to back off. What else can I do? Again, listening and giving one's opinion solves nothing. Anything has to be solved by the protagonist. All I can do is listen. But how? Hm.

Okae, I don't know if you followed at all. Maybe I would move on to the 2nd thing God showed me.

It is really the title of this post. Reflection. The magazine auntie Hwee Kiaw gave me was littered with that word. Thinking about what's going on in your life. That's exactly what I am trying to do. Find out why I am feeling emo, why I have negative thoughts in my head, and how the hell do I switch it off.

God also told me that he would be faithful till the very end. Even as we are faithless enough to be whining about nothing at all, God remains faithful. Even as I am here, feeling drained, feeling down, God is here with me. So I have to somehow shift my self-centred egotism to God-centredness.

I know that things would get better. But I also know that I would come back here again wondering why no one cares. Why I don't belong. Why everything in my life seems to be just sufficiently screwed up for me to sigh and not enough for me to die. Perhaps I would know what to do then. I hope I do...
 
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